Would you be angry?

Absinthe_Fairy

thorsoak wrote: »

Absinthe Fairy - have you shown your mum this thread? If so, what is her reaction?



I'm just curious!

I haven't! I did think about it at first but I don't want to because there have been some horrible comments directed at her that I wouldn't want her to see.

_____________________________________________________

To clear something up: We have NOT asked if the GF can be invited and we don't intend to. We DID previously assume that she would have been, based on our understanding of wedding etiquette and that side of the family's attitude to etiquette in general.

My mam wasn't angry because she thinks we are somehow massively important as posters have suggested. She was angry because she sees family in general as incredibly important and assumed that that side of the family also did (based on knowing them for 30 years plus!). She wouldn't have dreamt of not inviting a cousin's partner herself, so is upset that my cousin (in my mam's opinion) has not extended the same courtesy to us. It's not because it's our family, it's because of the principle, if that makes sense? I really don't understand why this makes her "vile" and a "nightmare" as one poster suggested. She had to organise her own wedding to my dad so does understand how stressful it can be, but would never break the rules of etiquette and decency (as she sees them) for the sake of an easier life - or else she wouldn't have invited her grandma who demanded a beef meal at the reception when everyone else was having chicken and then proceeded to tip the meal into a doggy bag she'd brought rather than eat it there and then :rotfl:

Also my mam has not ranted to or been visibly fuming to anyone other than me, my brother, my dad and a close friend (I don't even know what the GF thinks of all this to be honest!) - some people seem to have got the impression that she's kicking up a huge public stink! I don't see why anyone shouldn't be able to vent in private if they want. If anyone's in the wrong it should be me for posting in a public forum - but I was genuinely curious as to what people thought.

We are a genuinely close family who spend a lot of time together at special occasions such as Christmas, Easter, birthdays, anniversaries etc. A lot of the posters who said they wouldn't be offended seem to come from families that aren't particularly close and never see each other.

FWIW my brother and GF would be living together if finances permitted (not that I personally think it makes any difference, however I accept some people feel differently).

If anyone's interested, mam's aforementioned friend agreed with my mam, reckons it's disgraceful and says that she wouldn't dream of not inviting partners either (and she isn't the sort of person who would tell my mam she agreed if she didn't).

As mentioned earlier, I genuinely believed that inviting partners was common politeness. It seems that this is not the case.

Torry_Quine

newcook wrote: »

wow really?!?! all the weddings Ive gone to I have been invited about 4 months before the 'big day'!

The tradition is six weeks before. Even if I got an invite really early then due to OH work couldn't answer that far ahead.

74jax

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I do agree that it's strange not to invite a married couple together and wouldn't attend if my husband weren't invited.

MY OH has been invited to weddings and I don't really even think about it if I'm not. One of his close uni friends got married in Barbados, I didn't go. I didn't know the groom (my OH's friend) or the bride. I would feel very strange at a wedding where I don't know the couple.

Torry_Quine

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

As mentioned earlier, I genuinely believed that inviting partners was common politeness. It seems that this is not the case.

I would say though that most people's understanding of partner is living together at least.

Any

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I would say though that most people's understanding of partner is living together at least.

I completely agree.

mishkanorman

tescobabe69 wrote: »

Is it just me that finds this a little bit odd/sad ?

Apparently so !

What exactly did you find odd/sad about my comment ?

tescobabe69

mishkanorman wrote: »

Apparently so !

What exactly did you find odd/sad about my comment ?

That marriage until death us do part could be thought strange.

Absinthe_Fairy

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I would say though that most people's understanding of partner is living together at least.

Any wrote: »

I completely agree.

This seems to be a common view on this thread and I wonder if it's why she got left off the list (not that I will be asking, dying as I am to know, because I don't want to appear rude myself). My belief is that it should be left up to the guest to decide if their GF/BF/spouse/lover is important enough to take to the wedding of a family member or close friend. For example if I got a boyfriend tomorrow I wouldn't feel comfortable with taking him to the wedding (hypothetically of course as I wouldn't be able to take him anyway ) as I think you should only take someone to a wedding if you're in a serious relationship - it's a bit full-on otherwise. However no one IMO has the right to judge how serious someone else's relationship is. This is where the Plus One comes in - so the guest can decide for themselves. However I can understand that table numbers would make this incredibly difficult.

Another point is that this wedding has been in planning for months - (even though it's not actually due to take place for another 5 months!) perhaps the guest list was drawn up really early on when bro & GF had only been going out a few months (even though it will be two years by the time the actual wedding takes place!).

In any case I agree there's nothing we can, or should, do about it - this discussion is really just academic (though interesting!).

mishkanorman

tescobabe69 wrote: »

That marriage until death us do part could be thought strange.

eh ? I wrote "its someones special day (once in a lifetime for some) !"

How does that suggest that I thought it would be strange to be married for life ?

clearing_out_my_pockets

Torry_Quine wrote: »

The tradition is six weeks before. Even if I got an invite really early then due to OH work couldn't answer that far ahead.

Sadly, traditions change. Our venue wanted payment of the final balance 8 weeks before the date and final numbers 10 weeks before, which means that invites went out 15 weeks before to give people time to RSVP (or not) and for me to chase people who didn't bother to RSVP.

Incidentally, we only invited a few cousins. One cousin has a boyfriend she's been with for 18 months and they don't live together. Yes, he got invited to the ceremony, meal and evening reception. Had I met him before the wedding? No. Did he speak to me (or my husband) at our wedding? No. Did I begrudge him being there? Yes. He was only invited to keep my nan happy. She still didn't smile! :rotfl: