Would you be angry?

shellsuit

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

I haven't! I did think about it at first but I don't want to because there have been some horrible comments directed at her that I wouldn't want her to see.

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To clear something up: We have NOT asked if the GF can be invited and we don't intend to. We DID previously assume that she would have been, based on our understanding of wedding etiquette and that side of the family's attitude to etiquette in general. Based on 'your' understanding. Your understanding doesn't matter a jot as it's not your wedding.

My mam wasn't angry because she thinks we are somehow massively important as posters have suggested. She was angry because she sees family in general as incredibly important and assumed that that side of the family also did (based on knowing them for 30 years plus!). not inviting a cousin's partner herself, so is upset that my cousin (in my mam's opinion) has not extended the same courtesy to us. It's not because it's our family, it's because of the principle, if that makes sense? I really don't understand why this makes her "vile" and a "nightmare" as one poster suggested. She had to organise her own wedding to my dad so does understand how stressful it can be, but would never break the rules of etiquette and decency (as she sees them) for the sake of an easier life - or else she wouldn't have invited her grandma who demanded a beef meal at the reception when everyone else was having chicken and then proceeded to tip the meal into a doggy bag she'd brought rather than eat it there and then :rotfl:

Also my mam has not ranted to or been visibly fuming to anyone other than me, my brother, my dad and a close friend (I don't even know what the GF thinks of all this to be honest!) - some people seem to have got the impression that she's kicking up a huge public stink! I don't see why anyone shouldn't be able to vent in private if they want. If anyone's in the wrong it should be me for posting in a public forum - but I was genuinely curious as to what people thought.

We are a genuinely close family who spend a lot of time together at special occasions such as Christmas, Easter, birthdays, anniversaries etc. A lot of the posters who said they wouldn't be offended seem to come from families that aren't particularly close and never see each other. We invited who we wanted and not one of my 40odd cousins threw a fit because they were only invited to the evening. Every Aunty and Uncle came, plus all parents and Grandparents. We had to stop somewhere as we just couldn't afford to feed and water ALL of our family for the whole day.

FWIW my brother and GF would be living together if finances permitted (not that I personally think it makes any difference, however I accept some people feel differently). And maybe finances permitting, would have allowed the bride and groom to have invited the GF to the whole day.

If anyone's interested, mam's aforementioned friend agreed with my mam, reckons it's disgraceful and says that she wouldn't dream of not inviting partners either (and she isn't the sort of person who would tell my mam she agreed if she didn't). Disgraceful?What on earth?! If people are that upset, angry and disgraced, they won't be attending the wedding if they are invited will they?

As mentioned earlier, I genuinely believed that inviting partners was common politeness. It seems that this is not the case.

The GF is not a fiancee, or wife, or live in lover, she is his girlfriend.

Your Mum might be all for family, but the girlfriend isn't family!

Why are you all in a flap over it anyway when you don't even know how the GF feels about it?

She might not mind at all and fully understand.

Just accept that the GF hasn't been invited to the daytime reception, for whatever reason.

How would you like it, if when you get married, you are expect to invite Tom, !!!!!! & Harry, when you're not related to them or you hardly know them?

I hate it when I read that couples seem to be forced by others to invite certain people. It's unfair and a bride and groom should be able to invite who the hell they want, and not invite anyone they don't want there, for whatever reason, whether it be financial, becauser they don't like Uncle Don's new wife, or because the venue only hold X amount of people.

BitterAndTwisted

What needs to be remembered is that it is an INVITATION to be a GUEST. Not some informal bring-a-bottle-type arrangement. The people who are doing the inviting are the people doing the paying. I'm sure they were fully aware of what looks like an anomaly to be invited to the church and the evening do but not the other thingy in the middle and I suspect they may have agonised over it.

Weddings are expensive and non-blood relatives aren't entitled to be asked anywhere. Being quietly outraged is foolish and a waste of time and energy.

tescobabe69

mishkanorman wrote: »

eh ? I wrote "its someones special day (once in a lifetime for some) !"

How does that suggest that I thought it would be strange to be married for life ?

That would be the "for some" bit.Years ago a marriage not lasting was not really considered.

Lexie

Op you keep mentioning correct wedding etiquette. What you think is correct, other people wouldn't agree. For example button holes, i've been to weddings when there have been some and i've been to weddings when the mother of the bride has kicked up an unholly fuss because there were none, it was aparently so embarrasing. I know this is not the same but obviously your mothers and your opinions are not the same as you cousins.

mishkanorman

tescobabe69 wrote: »

That would be the "for some" bit.Years ago a marriage not lasting was not really considered.

Back in the dark ages eh ?

I was actually including those who may be widowed, its called being open-minded not odd or strange :mad:

Person_one

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

My belief is that it should be left up to the guest to decide if their GF/BF/spouse/lover is important enough to take to the wedding of a family member or close friend. For example if I got a boyfriend tomorrow I wouldn't feel comfortable with taking him to the wedding (hypothetically of course as I wouldn't be able to take him anyway ) as I think you should only take someone to a wedding if you're in a serious relationship

I'm afraid this just isn't how it works at all!

You absolutely get to decide how important your relationship is to you, but as a society we have certain ways of declaring publicly how important it is and that's how we make decisions about invitations and so on.

melancholly

Torry_Quine wrote: »

The tradition is six weeks before. Even if I got an invite really early then due to OH work couldn't answer that far ahead.

i've never been given that little notice. 3 to 6 months ahead is normal and with only a few weeks notice, i'd be really irritated at having to find travel and accommodation that close, as it would be more difficult and more expensive. and while the couple/their family may be paying for a wedding, it gets expensive for guests and i'd like time to budget for buying the gift and paying for anything else over a few months, not all just beforehand. i've always had to rsvp at least 2 months before the day. any closer to the day and i'd honestly assume i was in the second tier of invites after others had said no!

Person_one

melancholly wrote: »

i've never been given that little notice. 3 to 6 months ahead is normal and with only a few weeks notice, i'd be really irritated at having to find travel and accommodation that close, as it would be more difficult and more expensive. and while the couple/their family may be paying for a wedding, it gets expensive for guests and i'd like time to budget for buying the gift and paying for anything else over a few months, not all just beforehand. i've always had to rsvp at least 2 months before the day. any closer to the day and i'd honestly assume i was in the second tier of invites after others had said no!

Does anyone else get save the date cards? I get these about a year in advance usually, and then the invitation a couple of months in advance. I think that's pretty useful.

POPPYOSCAR

Person_one wrote: »

Does anyone else get save the date cards? I get these about a year in advance usually, and then the invitation a couple of months in advance. I think that's pretty useful.

I got a 'save the date' message in a christmas card for the last wedding I went to for the wedding in august.

Person_one

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I got a 'save the date' message in a christmas card for the last wedding I went to for the wedding in august.

Its a pain if you don't actually want to go, you need a better cover story, but great if you do!