Would you be angry?

Person_one

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Your selective quote misses out the first part of Debrett's

"Decide whether all partners of guests should be invited. There is no generally accepted rule.... "

That's a selective bit by you too! Let's have the full quote then:

"There is no generally accepted rule, but if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her other half should be invited."

Seems clear to me.

newcook

elvis86 wrote: »

Agree with this. 6 weeks notice to put on your Sunday best, and walk 200 yards up the road to the village church for a wedding might have been sufficient, but with most weddings nowadays attending entails a bit more effort (and expense!).

I also think that its only been quite recent (maybe the last 10-15 years?!) that couples have saved for the wedding themselves and had a long engagement.

years ago couples would get engaged and married within a few months so 6 weeks notice would have been acceptable.
It was also quite acceptable to have the reception in a hall with a buffet and ‘dodgy disco dave’ but I suppose thats a different issue!

melancholly

Torry_Quine wrote: »

To be honest surely anyone close enough to be invited wil be well aware you're getting married as it won't be a great secret. The difference is that I have never stayed overnight and always go home the same night. If they are that close they would be getting a present whether or not I actually go to the wedding.

I don't get this second tier of invites. I invited those I wanted to be there. A couple of people weren't able to come but it didn't cross my mind to ask anyone I hadn't asked in the first place. Work colleagues and other acquaintances were invited to the evening and that included spouses, surprised some think otherwise.

i've known in advance the broad date of a wedding, but without the invite you don't normally get the specific date and time. the time matters for travel! i've mostly had to stay over at weddings because they've all been over 2 hours drive away and often a lot more. booking train tickets at a few weeks notice is a lot more expensive than at 12 weeks! that cost can easily quadruple over the course of a few weeks.

present costs can be budgeted for in advance, but if you only get a few weeks notice then buying off the wedding list has to be done there and then. fine, i should set money aside for these things and i broadly do, but it really is much easier to be able to pay for trains one month, present the next and then the hotel when you go.

the concept of second tier invites isn't particularly uncommon either..... if there are tight numbers, then everyone 'essential' gets the first round even though some certainly won't be able to come. then you invite the extra ones you want to use those spaces. in many cases, it's the obligatory invites to distant relations (both in physical and emotional distance!) that are done first, then when a few say no, there are more spaces for friends. i realise you didn't think of this or want to do it, but it is a well known phenomenon - if you google it, lots comes up!

sassyblue

elvis86 wrote: »

Really? Your cousin and his bride are behaving disgracefully by prioritising close friends and family over your cousin's girlfriend at their own wedding?

Your mum and her friend must have led very sheltered lives if this is the most disgraceful human behaviour they have ever encountered!


Are you for real?!

What a peach you are, and you got thanked for it too! :rotfl:

Kay_Peel

Person_one wrote: »

"There is no generally accepted rule, but if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her other half should be invited."

Seems clear to me.

Clear to me too. There is no rule or matter of etiquette. It is for the couple to decide. (yes, you missed out the important first bit again! The second bit is irrelevant if there is no 'rule' - it's just an opinion).

"Decide whether all partners of guests should be invited. There is no generally accepted rule, but if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her other half should be invited. Most importantly, make a policy decision on whether children and babies will be invited to the wedding."

Person_one

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Clear to me too. There is no rule or matter of etiquette. It is for the couple to decide. (yes, you missed out the important first bit again! The second bit is irrelevant if there is no 'rule' - it's just an opinion).

"Decide whether all partners of guests should be invited. There is no generally accepted rule, but if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her other half should be invited. Most importantly, make a policy decision on whether children and babies will be invited to the wedding."

Bolding bits doesn't change what it means!

Its saying that there is no rule apart from that long established or married couples should both be invited. As long as you stick to that, its up to you whether you do plus ones or if you invite more casual partners.

That's what 'but' and 'should' mean.

basscadette

I wouldn't be angry at all. What made me angry was the number of family members that tried to ruin our wedding because lots of cousins and aunts and uncles weren't invited. We wanted a small, intimate wedding with close family and friends yet we had to justify and defend ourselves constantly. It was mainly dh's family that made the fuss and it still annoys me now two years later.

Let them invite who they want to invite - their wedding, there money and so on.

pebbles88

To be fair, times have changed so much, and its more common for the Bride & Groom to be paying for their own wedding rather than the brides parents nowadays.

So it's up to them, the Bride & Groom to decide who they want to go to their wedding, regardless of what etiquette says as it is their day, not anyone else's.

As has already been said, no matter what they do or don't do, someone, somewhere will be unhappy about the arrangements.

I remember going through this for our wedding, it was amazing how many relatives that we hadn't heard from in years, (or that we hadn't even met on each others sides despite us being together for 6 years) suddenly claimed they were heartbroken that they had 'only' been invited to the evening reception.

I don't think you can understand how crazy people seem to get over a wedding until you have been through planning your own! its a nightmare! I was all for going to Gretna Green to get married, but DH didn't.

OP, rather than let it spoil the happy event, just accept that she will be there for the evening do only, your brother could always make sure he tells his nearest & dearest all about her during the day & then introduce her to them on the night? that way she will still feel included, and that people/family wanted to meet her. A happy compromise perhaps. Hoep it all goes well no matter what. x

hezza86

This is an interesting thread as I'm about to get married in July and currently dealing with my guest list, And I agree with the bride on this one. (and as a bride) we are not inviting plus one's unless they are in a long standing relationship, and i class long standing as well over a year and we need to be friendly personally with the person or they are not getting an invite. end of. I'm not paying a meal for someone I don't know when i could have a close friend there instead as numbers are tight.
My cousin (first cousin) has recently starting going out with someone, she will not be getting an invite to my wedding.
Weddings are very very expensive and no matter who i invite to my wedding no doubt i'll still oddend someone,but i have to be thick skinned about it and say enough is enough.

p.s. I am not having any children at the wedding only 2 rules for this -except my 4 nieces (flowergirls) and unless baby is under 1 yr old (which there will be 5 and is being discussed with parents,and already some have said great,we'll bring them to ceremony then granny/grandad is coming to collect to give mum and dad a nice meal and evening)

split_second

hezza86 wrote: »

This is an interesting thread as I'm about to get married in July and currently dealing with my guest list, And I agree with the bride on this one. (and as a bride) we are not inviting plus one's unless they are in a long standing relationship, and i class long standing as well over a year and we need to be friendly personally with the person or they are not getting an invite. end of. I'm not paying a meal for someone I don't know when i could have a close friend there instead as numbers are tight.
My cousin (first cousin) has recently starting going out with someone, she will not be getting an invite to my wedding.
Weddings are very very expensive and no matter who i invite to my wedding no doubt i'll still oddend someone,but i have to be thick skinned about it and say enough is enough.

p.s. I am not having any children at the wedding only 2 rules for this -except my 4 nieces (flowergirls) and unless baby is under 1 yr old (which there will be 5 and is being discussed with parents,and already some have said great,we'll bring them to ceremony then granny/grandad is coming to collect to give mum and dad a nice meal and evening)

''well over a year'' i think you are being a bit harsh to be honest, then again i got engaged after 11 months (knew my fiance about 3 1/2 years by that time) and we were living together too :rotfl: if someone turned round and said i was invited and fiance not i would say both of us or i'm not going- one of my friends said she was inviting my fiance so i would go, made us both not want to go