Would you be angry?

maddie67

First of all, Elvis86, your a legend!! Loving your replies.

Years ago, I was in a long term relationship and was asked to be one of 7 bridesmaids for a friend, which I accepted. My boyfriend, was only invited to the evening reception. This wasnt anything to do with finances, this was a very lavish 'do' as she was the only daughter, it was purely because the brides mum didnt like my boyfriend. I didnt kick up a fuss as I knew it would cause more stress for the bride and she couldnt be blamed for an over-bearing mother!

Also, not so long ago, my twins, who were 6 at the time, were invited to their Dads wedding ceremony and afternoon reception, but I was told I would have to go and collect them afterwards from the venue, because they werent invited to the evening reception. The Bride (their new stepmum) didnt want them there! I told him they either went to the whole thing or not at all. Needless to say she didnt change her mind and I took them skating for the day instead!

Im from the North West too, and its perfectly normal for lots of people to turn up at the Church to see the Bride in her dress etc, and then go to just the evening do - In fact Ive done this, taken photos, gone into town in between to have them developed and then given them to the happy couple at the evening reception - its perfectly acceptable.

Theres an idea - maybe your brothers girlfriend could do the same?? It would be a lovely gesture. The fact the couple are having a weekday wedding suggests they are on a tight budget.

elvis86

maddie67 wrote: »

Also, not so long ago, my twins, who were 6 at the time, were invited to their Dads wedding ceremony and afternoon reception, but I was told I would have to go and collect them afterwards from the venue, because they werent invited to the evening reception. The Bride (their new stepmum) didnt want them there! I told him they either went to the whole thing or not at all. Needless to say she didnt change her mind and I took them skating for the day instead!

Typical, so your kids were wanted for the ceremony and to look cute on the photos, but ex and his new wife didn't want the hassle of having to look after them for the rest of the day? Would your ex not have had parents/other family at the wedding who would've happily looked after their grandchildren/nephews/nieces etc? You would've thought so, eh?

I don't blame you for refusing to bend over backwards to accomodate their unreasonable demands.

Frogletina

elvis86 wrote: »

Typical, so your kids were wanted for the ceremony and to look cute on the photos, but ex and his new wife didn't want the hassle of having to look after them for the rest of the day? Would your ex not have had parents/other family at the wedding who would've happily looked after their grandchildren/nephews/nieces etc? You would've thought so, eh?

I don't blame you for refusing to bend over backwards to accomodate their unreasonable demands.

Personally I wouldn't have called this unreasonable. They were going to be there for the afternoon reception. I always think that evening receptions are more suitable for adults than children, especially ones who are only 6

make_me_wise

Weddings, always cause a bone of contention in one way or another dont they. How much time does your cousin and brother spend in each others company? Is she aware that he and his girlfriend are pretty serious?

I hardly ever see my cousins now. At the time of my wedding we had very little contact either. A couple of them came to my wedding but their other halves were not invited. To be honest my priorities for the guest list were closest friends and family and people who my husband and I really valued. The boyfriend/girlfriend of a cousin would not feature high to me unless we were good friends.

It seems silly to say she is welcome at the church and 'evening do' but not the reception. Would have been better to just say for her to come to the evening do. As you mention if she comes to the church she will be all dressed up and then kicking her heels for hours depending on the time of the church ceremony.

If I were her I would spend the day having a pamper session and getting glammed up and then turn up at the evening do and have a wonderful time. Weddings are alright, but they can be a touch tedious what with all the fannying around with church service, photos etc etc. The best bit of weddings I have been to, including my own, was the evening party which your brothers girlfriend is invited to.

abacus73

Personally I think the bride has done the right thing. Your brothers girlfriend is important to him. However it would appear that she and the bride are not that close.

They are considering her and inviting her to parts of the wedding. At the end of the day a wedding should hopefully be a once in a lifetime event.

I look back at my wedding and regret alot of the things about it. Mostly the guy I married ( :rotfl:been divorced 6 years now ). Also though I let alot of people dictate who had to be there, where they would sit etc. The whole day was planned and organised by others and alot of the people I would have liked to be there most weren't. If I ever remarry in the future things will be done very differently.

Torry_Quine

elvis86 wrote: »

I guess that might have worked years ago, but a lot of people I know wouldn't be able to attend a wedding with 6 weeks notice! People are more mobile now, so it's more likely that there might be guests who have had to travel from all over the country (eg university friends). Also, and this is definitely true of me, people have things planned most weekends (I'm booked up until Christmas and have been for a few weeks!).



Agree with this. 6 weeks notice to put on your Sunday best, and walk 200 yards up the road to the village church for a wedding might have been sufficient, but with most weddings nowadays attending entails a bit more effort (and expense!).

I have a family member like that, you seem to have to book in advance if you want to see them, that seems strange to me. I can't imagine having every weekend planned ahead like that.

I don't see why possibly having people travel means they need more notice but then again I have never stayed away after a wedding.

newcook wrote: »

I also think that its only been quite recent (maybe the last 10-15 years?!) that couples have saved for the wedding themselves and had a long engagement.

years ago couples would get engaged and married within a few months so 6 weeks notice would have been acceptable.
It was also quite acceptable to have the reception in a hall with a buffet and ‘dodgy disco dave’ but I suppose thats a different issue!

That's so not true, I've been married a lot longer than this and we paid for our wedding. We were engaged and married within 18 months and I don't get this need for a long engagement. To me once you've made the decision that you want to spend the rest of your life together why wait for years?

melancholly wrote: »

i've known in advance the broad date of a wedding, but without the invite you don't normally get the specific date and time. the time matters for travel! i've mostly had to stay over at weddings because they've all been over 2 hours drive away and often a lot more. booking train tickets at a few weeks notice is a lot more expensive than at 12 weeks! that cost can easily quadruple over the course of a few weeks.

present costs can be budgeted for in advance, but if you only get a few weeks notice then buying off the wedding list has to be done there and then. fine, i should set money aside for these things and i broadly do, but it really is much easier to be able to pay for trains one month, present the next and then the hotel when you go.

the concept of second tier invites isn't particularly uncommon either..... if there are tight numbers, then everyone 'essential' gets the first round even though some certainly won't be able to come. then you invite the extra ones you want to use those spaces. in many cases, it's the obligatory invites to distant relations (both in physical and emotional distance!) that are done first, then when a few say no, there are more spaces for friends. i realise you didn't think of this or want to do it, but it is a well known phenomenon - if you google it, lots comes up!

To be honest we'd drive home up to about three hours and I doubt we'd go if much further.

I had heard of second tier invatations but wasn't aware that it was a common thing. To me a wedding is about inviting all those who you want to celebrate with you and not about the peripheral details.

split_second

Elvis you confuse me- you refer to me as a woman and my fianc! as a man but if I correct the point and it's irrelevant.

Absinthe_Fairy

Thanks again for all thoughts and replies - particularly to those posters who disagreed with me without resorting to rudeness

After reading all responses and calming down I feel I've been a bit unreasonable about the whole thing. Yes I would personally invite all partners but just because my cousin isn't doing so doesn't mean that she is wrong. I genuinely believed it was the "done thing" but there have been so many different responses that it seems etiquette means different things to different people so who's to say what's right and what's wrong?

I think part of my mam's anger is related to other issues with my dad's side of the family which I won't go into. I believe her issues are valid, but irrelevant to the particular one at hand which is my cousin's wedding.

My brother was initially a bit upset and so was his GF (I think she thought she'd unintentionally done something to offend) but after hearing what my dad had to say last night I think my brother understands the other point of view. My dad shares the view of many posters that people should do what they like for their own wedding, and put forward several valid reasons why GF might not have been invited, including cost & numbers. Also we don't know how many cousins the groom has, it could be forty for all we know, and 40 cousins + partners is a lot!

My brother's GF and the bride have met on several occasions, my brother and his GF have been to my auntie's (mother of the bride) house several times for Sunday lunch with the family and other occasions. The wedding was a big topic of conversation and a few times my auntie mentioned that a few people were going to stay overnight at the same venue the reception & evening do is being held at. She has said to my brother on at least one occasion, "You and GF could stay overnight too if you liked". This among other things led us to believe that GF was going to be invited (which she was, just not to the reception).

As mentioned we are a close family, my brother and I still get Christmas presents from my auntie and my parents buy presents for my cousins. My brother's GF also received a Christmas present from my auntie last year (and my parents buy a present for my cousin's fiance). This suggests, to me, that she is being treated as family, but I appreciate this is a slightly different situation.

In any case, it's my cousin's day (and her fiance's) and I sincerely wish them all the best. None of us have any intention of openly questioning their choice of guests and we are not going to behave any differently towards them. My parents, brother and I are going to go to the whole thing as planned and GF may come to evening do. I thought the poster who suggested that she could go to the ceremony, take pictures and get them developed in time for the evening had a really good idea and I will suggest this to her if she decides to attend the ceremony. She may not though as the public transport in the area isn't great and my brother would have to drive her home afterwards which would make him late for the reception. The idea that she could have a pamper day is also a good idea that I might suggest.

In the grand scheme of things this isn't a big deal I guess and it certainly wouldn't be worth damaging family relationships over. I have a close relationship with my auntie (bride's mother) in particular and I wouldn't want to spoil it.

maddie67

elvis86 wrote: »

Typical, so your kids were wanted for the ceremony and to look cute on the photos, but ex and his new wife didn't want the hassle of having to look after them for the rest of the day? Would your ex not have had parents/other family at the wedding who would've happily looked after their grandchildren/nephews/nieces etc? You would've thought so, eh?

I don't blame you for refusing to bend over backwards to accomodate their unreasonable demands.

Yes, there were plenty of family members who were more than willing to take care of the kids, one of them being their Grandmother who left early, and would have loved to have them stay with her. Also, I believe the Bride had a cousin with a child the same age who went to the evening reception.

Frogletina wrote: »

Personally I wouldn't have called this unreasonable. They were going to be there for the afternoon reception. I always think that evening receptions are more suitable for adults than children, especially ones who are only 6

It was quite unreasonable, and cruel to expect me to go to the wedding venue and pick up our children after he had just married the woman he walked out on us for, and yes, evening receptions are more suited to adults, but there were plenty of volunteers who would have taken them away at a reasonable time

maddie67

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

Thanks again for all thoughts and replies - particularly to those posters who disagreed with me without resorting to rudeness

After reading all responses and calming down I feel I've been a bit unreasonable about the whole thing. Yes I would personally invite all partners but just because my cousin isn't doing so doesn't mean that she is wrong. I genuinely believed it was the "done thing" but there have been so many different responses that it seems etiquette means different things to different people so who's to say what's right and what's wrong?

I think part of my mam's anger is related to other issues with my dad's side of the family which I won't go into. I believe her issues are valid, but irrelevant to the particular one at hand which is my cousin's wedding.

My brother was initially a bit upset and so was his GF (I think she thought she'd unintentionally done something to offend) but after hearing what my dad had to say last night I think my brother understands the other point of view. My dad shares the view of many posters that people should do what they like for their own wedding, and put forward several valid reasons why GF might not have been invited, including cost & numbers. Also we don't know how many cousins the groom has, it could be forty for all we know, and 40 cousins + partners is a lot!

My brother's GF and the bride have met on several occasions, my brother and his GF have been to my auntie's (mother of the bride) house several times for Sunday lunch with the family and other occasions. The wedding was a big topic of conversation and a few times my auntie mentioned that a few people were going to stay overnight at the same venue the reception & evening do is being held at. She has said to my brother on at least one occasion, "You and GF could stay overnight too if you liked". This among other things led us to believe that GF was going to be invited (which she was, just not to the reception).

As mentioned we are a close family, my brother and I still get Christmas presents from my auntie and my parents buy presents for my cousins. My brother's GF also received a Christmas present from my auntie last year (and my parents buy a present for my cousin's fiance). This suggests, to me, that she is being treated as family, but I appreciate this is a slightly different situation.

In any case, it's my cousin's day (and her fiance's) and I sincerely wish them all the best. None of us have any intention of openly questioning their choice of guests and we are not going to behave any differently towards them. My parents, brother and I are going to go to the whole thing as planned and GF may come to evening do. I thought the poster who suggested that she could go to the ceremony, take pictures and get them developed in time for the evening had a really good idea and I will suggest this to her if she decides to attend the ceremony. She may not though as the public transport in the area isn't great and my brother would have to drive her home afterwards which would make him late for the reception. The idea that she could have a pamper day is also a good idea that I might suggest.

In the grand scheme of things this isn't a big deal I guess and it certainly wouldn't be worth damaging family relationships over. I have a close relationship with my auntie (bride's mother) in particular and I wouldn't want to spoil it.

I can see why you would think that your Brothers GF would have been included in the invite if it was being discussed with them in that way, and after having become so involved with them I imagine she must be feeling a little hurt by it to be honest. But at the end of the day, as you say, its certainly not worth falling out with your cousins over

Just as a matter of interest, has his GF been invited along to the Hen Do?