Would you be angry?

Absinthe_Fairy

maddie67 wrote: »

I can see why you would think that your Brothers GF would have been included in the invite if it was being discussed with them in that way, and after having become so involved with them I imagine she must be feeling a little hurt by it to be honest. But at the end of the day, as you say, its certainly not worth falling out with your cousins over

Just as a matter of interest, has his GF been invited along to the Hen Do?

She hasn't, but then neither have I. I don't know if this is because a. there isn't going to be a hen do at all; b. it hasn't been planned yet; or c. I/we just aren't invited at all. If I'm not invited to the hen do I will feel slightly hurt tbh. We're not the closest of cousins, but we get on well, socialise together on occasion, and I visited her when she was at uni (we had a great weekend). I've met several of her close friends and get on well with them too. However, as with the wedding, if this is the case I will keep my feelings to myself.

Brighton_belle

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

Thanks again for all thoughts and replies ...

Lovely post OP. It is great to see someone think things through and reassess a situation after seeking and getting a variety of opinions. Well done too for being able to overlook some of the unnecessarily nasty comments.

I bet the hen night hasn't been organised yet, if there is going to be one.
I hope you have a lovely day and your brother and his girlfriend will sucessfully turn the day round for themselves in to a very enjoyable day. I can certainly see why you might all have reasonably thought she would have been invited.Should they get married one day, they will certain have insight into what is and isn't important to them on their day.

RadoJo

I have to disagree with those who say 'you can't please everyone with a wedding guest list' as we didn't have any trouble! When we started planning the wedding, we began with the guest list (including +1s for everyone who didn't have a named partner and asking our parents who they wanted us to invite) and our budget and picked a venue/menu/everything else based on those numbers so that we could afford to have everyone we wanted. It doesn't necessarily have to be a case of sacrificing one person for another - it just depends how you prioritise your budget and what's important to you. That's not to say that I don't agree that everyone can have the kind of wedding that they choose, or that budgetary constraints never mean limiting your plans, but there is a point at which you have to accept that plenty of couples prioritise their dream venue over a village hall, or a sit down meal over a DIY buffet or any number of other compromises to get what they want at the expense of the number of guests they invite. That's their right, and I would never question anyone's choices, but it's disingenuous to suggest that these things are always completely outside their control.

Torry_Quine

RadoJo wrote: »

I have to disagree with those who say 'you can't please everyone with a wedding guest list' as we didn't have any trouble! When we started planning the wedding, we began with the guest list (including +1s for everyone who didn't have a named partner and asking our parents who they wanted us to invite) and our budget and picked a venue/menu/everything else based on those numbers so that we could afford to have everyone we wanted. It doesn't necessarily have to be a case of sacrificing one person for another - it just depends how you prioritise your budget and what's important to you. That's not to say that I don't agree that everyone can have the kind of wedding that they choose, or that budgetary constraints never mean limiting your plans, but there is a point at which you have to accept that plenty of couples prioritise their dream venue over a village hall, or a sit down meal over a DIY buffet or any number of other compromises to get what they want at the expense of the number of guests they invite. That's their right, and I would never question anyone's choices, but it's disingenuous to suggest that these things are always completely outside their control.

Totally agree with the sentiment. The people you share the day with are much more important than the venue,it's sad that some people don't see this.

coolcait

Sometimes extended families are so huge that it doesn't matter how much you downsize the venue (in terms of cost, not scale), the menu or anything else. They're just not going to fit into the space or the budget.

From my mum's side alone I have over 20 cousins. Most of whom now have partners and families of their own. None of us have ever been invited to a cousin's 'wedding breakfast' part of the day. It has never caused a problem.

Sometimes cousins haven't been invited to the evening reception part of the day either. Again, no problem. There are a lot of us!

If the OP's cousin's spouse-to-be is part of a family the size of mine, the OP and brother are lucky to have received invitations - never mind girlfriends/boyfriends.

To illustrate the scale of the problem, one of my aunts and uncle-by-marriage recently celebrated their golden wedding anniversary. My uncle's family is as fruitful and multi-layered as mine/my aunt's.

Their children (my cousins) arranged a party in the largest local hall. They catered the whole thing themselves. Almost two hundred people were there, and only about twenty of those were not family.

My youngest cousin (from that family) gets married next year. If she invites all of the relations who attended the party, plus all of her husband-to-be's relations, there simply isn't a reasonably priced venue nearby which could fit everyone in. Even before the happy couple think of inviting friends...

If they go further afield to find a venue large enough to fit in all the aunts and uncles and cousins from both sides (and maybe some friends) that will increase their costs. Not least because the extended family won't be able to help out with the catering. It will also increase transport and accommodation costs for many of their guests.

Speaking as a cousin, I'd be quite happy not to be invited, and to go and see the wedding at the church.

I'd be outraged if our xxxxxx put herself to all the stress and trouble and expense of finding a huge venue that would fit us all in - just so that her groom didn't have to deal with the emotional blackmail fallout of not inviting a cousin plus one from his side!

Different views of etiquette and of family, I suppose. As per the rest of the thread.

Absinthe_Fairy

coolcait wrote: »

From my mum's side alone I have over 20 cousins. Most of whom now have partners and families of their own. None of us have ever been invited to a cousin's 'wedding breakfast' part of the day. It has never caused a problem.
...
Different views of etiquette and of family, I suppose. As per the rest of the thread.

It does sound very difficult in that sort of situation. In my case my brother and I are the only two cousins, and my parents are the only aunt and uncle (on the bride's side - we don't know how large the groom's family is).

I've always been invited to every part of the wedding when a cousin was getting married (though in all previous cases I was a child). Again though we don't have a huge family - I have two cousins on my dad's side and five on my mam's. I haven't always been invited in the case of more distant relatives though and this isn't an issue at all.

For me it was always the elderly relatives who seemed to be numerous - my grandma had seven brothers and family gatherings were always full of random elderly people and I was never quite sure who was related to who! Many of them have died now, though, and there are fewer family members of my parents' generation and mine.

victory

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

In the grand scheme of things this isn't a big deal I guess and it certainly wouldn't be worth damaging family relationships over. I have a close relationship with my auntie (bride's mother) in particular and I wouldn't want to spoil it.

you see that is exactly it;) it really is a difference of a few hours, not even a day, to make family relations strained because of it to last for maybe years to come is not worth it for the little bit of distress it causes, excellent:D

elvis86

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Totally agree with the sentiment. The people you share the day with are much more important than the venue,it's sad that some people don't see this.

I would broadly agree with this, though ultimately I think what the bride and groom want overall is the most important thing.

However, what some people here are saying is that a couple should invite all manner of people out of duty. I'm afraid that I don't see why a couple should sacrifice a nicer venue etc to invite cousin's partners etc who they barely know.

If it was a choice between accomodating 150 guests (50 of whom I was inviting out of duty) at a lesser venue, or having the 100 guests that I actually wanted to share my day with, at the venue that I actually wanted, it would be a no brainer.

elvis86

split_second wrote: »

Elvis you confuse me- you refer to me as a woman and my fianc! as a man but if I correct the point and it's irrelevant.

Your gender had nothing to do with your post or my reaction to it.

You stated that if you were to receive an invitation that didn't include your fiance, you would demand that the host included your fiance or you would refuse to attend.

You then went on to recall that a friend admitted that your fiance was only invited to an event to prevent you from refusing to attend, and you objected to this.

That's equally as rude, regardless of whether you're a man or a woman.:cool:

claire16c

RadoJo wrote: »

I have to disagree with those who say 'you can't please everyone with a wedding guest list' as we didn't have any trouble! .

I didnt have any problems either, but that doesnt mean others dont.
The problem is sometimes the bride and groom have people in their families who act unreasonably, and therefore mean they can not please everyone ever.

For example, one of my friends got married and she paid for some of her wedding, her parents paid some also. The grooms parents did not contribute at all - money or time. My friend still asked them though was there anyone they wanted to invite, and a few of their family members (that my friend and husband had never met) were invited to keep them happy.

Then after all the rsvps came back, my friends MIL had a massive rant because they hadnt invited her friends from an exercise class.:eek:

My friend and husband are not mind readers, and at the end of the day did not want a load of women there that they had never met, let alone even heard about before, at their wedding. And to add them on would have cost a load more money and I dont even know if they would have physically fit in.

The MIL went on at them quite a lot about it, and my friends husband rang her up to say Sorry mum but it costs x per person, there are only so many tables in the place, and we cant afford to invite random people we dont even know and dont even want there

To this day, she is still not happy about it! So there are some people you can not please!

I also dont think theres anything wrong with prioritising your venue over the number of guests. The best weddings Ive been to have been small ones. The worst was a huge one I went to where you only saw the bride and groom for about 5 minutes the entire day. Sometimes the bride and groom would rather spend quality time with a smaller amount of people than inviting every single person they know just so they dont upset anyone.