Betrayal my Husband - flirting online

suited-aces

victor2 wrote: »

Is he the sort of person who thinks (especially when amongst his mates) it is OK to pay for a prostitute?
It sounds like he is.
Put that to him and assuming you can't accept that attitude, tell him to leave.
Don't bluff him though, you have to be prepared to live your life without him.

What a vile, spiteful post. Trying to break up a marriage over a hypothetical prostitute that you have just invented in your seedy mind.

Lotus-eater

nickyhutch wrote: »

I'd be telling him he obviously isn't happy and fulfilled, and I don't want to live with someone I don't make happy or fulfill.

I think that is the most important point made on here so far.

Obviously he isn't happy or fulfilled.

Marriages can work in many ways and far be it from me to tell anyone how to run theirs.
But, one way is that the man needs more kicks than the woman is prepared to give out and if he can get those kicks without touching another woman (no idea if he has or not), then that can work for some people.

Some people have a perfect marriage, but now and again one partner needs sex with someone else, to keep them happy and fulfilled. Don't shout at me for this, because it's true.

Whether he would ever be happy with just one woman (and it doesn't sound like she would be happy with him even flirting in any way) is something the OP needs to find out fairly urgently.

As well she needs to find out the root problem and ideally get the whole truth out of him.

If he has a confidence problem, then he goes to the doctors and doesn't pay £10 a month to a dating site, that they haven't got.

That's the sexual side, the family life and DD side, needs to be equally sorted out urgently. You need to pull together as a family, Relate if you need it. Sounds like you do tbh.

IF he is unhappily married, then I think the OP needs to know and you both need to make your mind up about what to do.

It's no good burying your head in the sand and trying to stay married, while acting in a destructive manner towards that marriage. Because that is what I think he is doing.

DUTR

[QUOTE=nickyhutch;48262009]I'd rather be left alone with the children than stay with someone who went ahead and did something he knew would hurt me, someone who actively sought out other women, who sneaked around behind my back.

I'm afraid I would judge him, if he did all this.[/QUOTE]

Yes but this thread is about the OP , it's very easy to sit behind a keyboard and say 'you' would do this or that, but history has shown many do not just throw the towel in, I'm sure there is a positive resolve amongst all of this.

nickyhutch

DUTR wrote: »

Yes but this thread is about the OP , it's very easy to sit behind a keyboard and say 'you' would do this or that, but history has shown many do not just throw the towel in, I'm sure there is a positive resolve amongst all of this.

I think that's one of the points of forums - sitting behind a keyboard and saying "I would do this".

You're sure there's a "positive resolve"? How on earth are you sure?

DUTR

nickyhutch wrote: »

I think that's one of the points of forums - sitting behind a keyboard and saying "I would do this".

You're sure there's a "positive resolve"? How on earth are you sure?

I'm sure as there is always a positive resolve, running away and packing him in, is not always the winning way, few want to admit beign single sometimes is rubbish. Especially with xmas coming up n stuff, besides that, he maybe just talking and not being physical , but from the OP there is little evidence that they themselves are having their own quality time between them, and everything is about bills and children, phht if I was in his shoes living the same life, I'm semi confident I would soon be having an affair . Or i would not be 'shocked' if my partner ended up having an affair.

74jax

at_my_wits_end wrote: »

Hi,

I don't know where to turn, but feel like my Husband has betrayed my trust (again) and unsure what to do for the best.

I'm not sure YOU can do anything (to save marriage), does HE want to do anything (to save marriage)?

Together for over 11 years, Married for 4. We have 3 Children together.

Before we got married, I discovered messages on his works mobile from another woman, very explicit flirty messages. I was shell shocked and felt like my heart had been ripped out (our youngest child was only 4 months old at the time). He sweared that nothing had phsyically happened (in your mind was this him being unfaithful or not as he didn't do anything physical, I only ask as I personally do consider this unfaithful but you mention it again later on, and he seems to think as he hasn't done anything 'physical' it's ok, i'm wondering if you agree with him on this?), and that he was sorry, only did it for the attention etc etc. (at the time could you understand this? did you both talk this through and see where he was coming from? Did he understand WHY you were upset? would he consider it ok for you to do the same if he wasn't giving you attention?) Like a fool (no not a fool, he made a mistake, you both talked about it and moved on, don't beat yourself up about it.), I believed him and we got married, put the past behind us...fresh start and all that.

Yesterday I found he had another secret email account. In this email folder were lots of messages from people on 'no strings' sex websites. On these websites he has listed himself as 'unhappily married',(has he mentioned being unhappy before?) he has put explicit photo's of himself on and has been 'dirty chatting' to other women. Again he swears blind that nothing has phsyicaly happened (and to some degree I believe him as I don't know when or where he would have the time for this) (so is this ok? because nothing 'physical' happened, I don't quite understand why he keeps going on about this.). He is apparently very sorry (sorry as in he was going to stop it and tell you, or sorry you found out?)and 'loves' me and doesn't want me to leave him (has he said what he would do if you had done the same? Is this something that he thinks is ok? if you accept it 2 times, does he see this as normal and you can send photos of yourself to whoever you choose? I find it very strange.). Again he is saying he did this for the feeling of being 'wanted' and the excitement (I can not understand this as I am not a cold heartless cow, I am a very loving person and thought we had a good sex life etc) (if you have a bad day and he doesn't make you feel wanted, does he see it as ok for you to do the same? I don't think this is a healthy way in a marriage of feeling wanted.)

I do not know what to do. I don't really want to split up and break my family up, on the other hand, I do not want to live with someone who clearly has no respect whatsoever and feel that I deserve better than this and that I am being taken for a t*at! (you are, but remember if you take him back then YOU are letting HIM do this, who can blame him if he can do this knowing its ok because he'll apologise, and then he can do it again)

I keep asking why would he do this again if he loved me? after he saw how heartbroken I was last time. (he has said he is unhappily married. I think that's why he did it. He didn't set out to do this to hurt you in his mind, but he did it as he is not happily married to you.)

What do I do? I was always led to believe that trust is the most important factor in a relationship, now we have none.

EDIT to add: When I kept asking my Husband WHY he has done this, he says it's because he is unhappy with himself.

I don't think it's what YOU do. What is HE doing?

Other than sorry I think you both need a really long talk and possibly a third party involved.

You can make you mind up to stay, but if he does it again, can you 'really' blame him? You've taken him back twice? Then again, maybe he can change, only the both of you talking can sort anything out.

System

I think ( and for me this has become very clear personally in the last few years ) rather than 'trust' being the key word in a relationship , it is 'honesty'.

Most of the grief that is caused could be lessened (at least) if people would only say from the outset "this relationship is not working/ what I want/ how you perceive it to be".

If a partner is honest it gives you the chance to say no I can't have (don't want) a relationship like that...because... ( I am jealous by nature/ I can't bear my man to flirt with others at all / use !!!!!! or sex chat to get off on, even if it never goes further than cyber).

I think , and it's a generalisation of course, that men find it easier to 'compartmentalise' and may not even see that sex online is really relevant or damaging to their partner, in terms of trust and self -esteem ( "he's got me, why on earth would he want to do anything with a stranger online!?)

If it hasn't yet gone beyond 'online', I think there 'may be' a chance to retrieve the relationship, but only if it is tackled head on by both parties. If their individual needs can be met and whatever is missing found together then well and good...but each has to be honest and be brave enough to walk away if they need more/different.

Padstow

Triker wrote: »

Fool me once, more fool you, fool me twice, more fool me....sorry couldn't think of anything more succinct.

No, I can't stand trite remarks like yours either. I agree with you triker, a pointless posting.

Walk a mile in my shoes, is a good one though. See how you feel when your OH does the dirty.

[Deleted User]

While he may not have done anything physical so far (not sure if you can believe that tho).., believe u me, if he's sending and receiving emails, paid for membership.., it WILL happen. That's what those sites are for and an offer will come up that is too tempting for him to resist. It may be at a moment he's feeling down or whatever, but it will happen.

The fact that he listed himself as unhappily married would be a total no no for me. And if he felt he was in an unhappy relationship.., enough to label himself as that.., why didn't he try and resolve it with you first before doing so. All relationships have their blips.., the successful ones involve people who work their way through them. I would wonder about that.

I'm not going to tell you to make him leave.., I have worked through some pretty messy relationship situations myself.., but think it through. I would suggest however, that if he feels the relationship is unhappy, he (not you) needs to figure out what will help start fixing it and rebuilding trust (whether it involves going to relate, the two of you finding time alone more, coming off the net.., whatever). I would suggest that this also shows he has enough drive to keep the relationship going.If he can't do this, its a strong indicator to you that the relationship is not going to recover. Then u may have to make some decisions. Remember tho, that just forgiving him, however upset you were did not remedy the situation, it just delayed it a bit. Something different has to happen this time.

Padstow

"I wouldn't want to turn up for a meeting at school not knowing how many of the other parents may have seen my husband naked online - or talked to him......"

You didn't think that one through. If they were tuning in, they would be in the club.