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Betrayal my Husband - flirting online

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at_my_wits_end
at_my_wits_end Posts: 15 Forumite
Hi,

I don't know where to turn, but feel like my Husband has betrayed my trust (again) and unsure what to do for the best.

Together for over 11 years, Married for 4. We have 3 Children together.

Before we got married, I discovered messages on his works mobile from another woman, very explicit flirty messages. I was shell shocked and felt like my heart had been ripped out (our youngest child was only 4 months old at the time). He sweared that nothing had phsyically happened, and that he was sorry, only did it for the attention etc etc. Like a fool, I believed him and we got married, put the past behind us...fresh start and all that.

Yesterday I found he had another secret email account. In this email folder were lots of messages from people on 'no strings' sex websites. On these websites he has listed himself as 'unhappily married', he has put explicit photo's of himself on and has been 'dirty chatting' to other women. Again he swears blind that nothing has phsyicaly happened (and to some degree I believe him as I don't know when or where he would have the time for this). He is apparently very sorry and 'loves' me and doesn't want me to leave him. Again he is saying he did this for the feeling of being 'wanted' and the excitement (I can not understand this as I am not a cold heartless cow, I am a very loving person and thought we had a good sex life etc)

I do not know what to do. I don't really want to split up and break my family up, on the other hand, I do not want to live with someone who clearly has no respect whatsoever and feel that I deserve better than this and that I am being taken for a t*at!

I keep asking why would he do this again if he loved me? after he saw how heartbroken I was last time.

What do I do? I was always led to believe that trust is the most important factor in a relationship, now we have none.

EDIT to add: When I kept asking my Husband WHY he has done this, he says it's because he is unhappy with himself.
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Comments

  • Triker
    Triker Posts: 7,247 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    Fool me once, more fool you, fool me twice, more fool me....sorry couldn't think of anything more succinct.
    DFW Nerd 267. DEBT FREE 11.06.08
    Stick to It by R.B. Stanfield
    It matters not if you try and fail,
    And fail, and try again; But it matters much if you try and fail, And fail to try again.
  • go_cat
    go_cat Posts: 2,509 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    Knowing how upset you were the first time he did it ... he does it again :eek:

    as for " i'm not happy with myself " ..more like " I have been caught and need to find an excuse"
  • k3lvc
    k3lvc Posts: 4,174 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    When I kept asking my Husband WHY he has done this, he says it's because he is unhappy with himself.

    As a man I'll respond. Has he displayed any other signs of low self-esteem/depression.

    Whilst not defending his use and the secrecy, if it is 'just' emails and it boosts his low self-esteem it's maybe just a prop he's using to avoid meltdown and may be an early warning sign that more help is needed.
  • Catty212
    Catty212 Posts: 1,082 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Xmas Saver!
    I know you have children but PERSONALLY I wouldn't want to stay with someone who clearly doesn't have and respect for your or your children.

    I hope you get something sorted out x
    Fantastic Expectations Amazing Revelations
  • VestanPance
    VestanPance Posts: 1,597 Forumite
    It'll be up to you what you decide to do, but if you do wish to save the marriage the trust needs to be repaired which going on his previous isn't going to be easy.
  • Please don't misinterpret my response as condoning what your husband did, it is wrong.

    However there is cause for small comfort that what he is doing does not appear to be a sign of unhappiness with you, your marraige or your family.
    The picture you paint is of a man who has extreme self esteem/confidence issues. His online world is a place where he appears confident and receiving attention which boosts that.

    I would be hesitant to give it all up without some sort of either personal (on his part) or joint relationship counselling. He needs help it seems.

    Again i stress he is/was wrong but it doesn't seem terminal to me

    I hope you resolve it amicably
  • Triker
    Triker Posts: 7,247 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    What has he offered to do to build your trust? Has he proposed a self ban from the computer, said he'll get a basic mobile phone that you can check anytime?

    I think his levels of deception are great, I don't know why you would believe he hasn't done anything further, especially if he's posted pictures of his 'parts' online??? !!!!!! is that all about, that doesn't sound like someone with low self esteem, it sounds like someone being very graphic and 'out there' (literally) stating visually and verbally that they want no strings attached sex with multiple people.

    Sorry, he sounds selfish, horrible, sad and deceitful....and I find the comment whereby he describes himself as unhappily married the most abhorrent....git!

    Sorry to bring this up but maybe you should get tested at the STD clinic, just to be on the sure side for your health.

    Apologies that I have no decent suggestions to help you, I just find the whole thing really, really distasteful. He's betrayed you and as far as I can see doesn't deserve you or his family.
    DFW Nerd 267. DEBT FREE 11.06.08
    Stick to It by R.B. Stanfield
    It matters not if you try and fail,
    And fail, and try again; But it matters much if you try and fail, And fail to try again.
  • Triker
    Triker Posts: 7,247 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    BTW....what if one of your children saw one of these graphic photos.....?
    DFW Nerd 267. DEBT FREE 11.06.08
    Stick to It by R.B. Stanfield
    It matters not if you try and fail,
    And fail, and try again; But it matters much if you try and fail, And fail to try again.
  • the_cat
    the_cat Posts: 2,176 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 4 November 2011 at 4:52PM

    I keep asking why would he do this again if he loved me? after he saw how heartbroken I was last time.
    .

    Because he thinks that:

    a. he will get away with it and
    b. even if you find out, it doesn't matter because he can talk you round - after all the fact that he has done this/been forgiven before proves in his eyes that this will never be a deal breaker

    Sadly, protecting you from upset and not wanting to hurt you doesn't seem to factor
  • k3lvc
    k3lvc Posts: 4,174 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    anon123456 wrote: »
    However there is cause for small comfort that what he is doing does not appear to be a sign of unhappiness with you, your marraige or your family.
    The picture you paint is of a man who has extreme self esteem/confidence issues. His online world is a place where he appears confident and receiving attention which boosts that.

    I would be hesitant to give it all up without some sort of either personal (on his part) or joint relationship counselling. He needs help it seems.

    This echos my earlier post and that it could be treated as early warning of depression rather than a specific issue with your relationship

    IMHO a need for care/understanding/help rather than shouting/screaming/accusations
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