Betrayal my Husband - flirting online

shellsuit

The guy didn't have to say he was married, happily or unhappily. He could have said he was single, which to me makes him sound like a heartless !!!!!!.

Of course he says he is sorry. Of course he says he loves you. He's been found out, so what else would he say?

And if you didn't find out, how long would he have carried this on?

I'm sorry he's hurt you so much, but at least now you know what's he's been upto.

make_me_wise

at_my_wits_end wrote: »

Hi,

I don't know where to turn, but feel like my Husband has betrayed my trust (again) and unsure what to do for the best.

Before we got married, I discovered messages on his works mobile from another woman, very explicit flirty messages.

Yesterday I found he had another secret email account. In this email folder were lots of messages from people on 'no strings' sex websites.

On these websites he has listed himself as 'unhappily married', he has put explicit photo's of himself on and has been 'dirty chatting' to other women.

Again he swears blind that nothing has phsyicaly happened (and to some degree I believe him as I don't know when or where he would have the time for this).

Again he is saying he did this for the feeling of being 'wanted' and the excitement.

I do not want to live with someone who clearly has no respect whatsoever and feel that I deserve better than this and that I am being taken for a t*at!

I keep asking why would he do this again if he loved me? after he saw how heartbroken I was last time.

Going by what you have written above, what exactly attracts you to this man? He sounds like a selfish, revolting bloke who would quite happily shag anything with a pulse and not give a jot about how it makes you feel.

I never can understand someone who forgives and forgets a betrayal and tries again. All that does is tell the betrayer that they can treat you like scum and get away with it. As you are finding out to your cost now. Do yourself a huge favour, claim back some self respect and tell him its over.

Tuesday_Tenor

Clearly you can't carry on with him behaving like this. The trust has gone. He needs to realise how serious this is. Possibly terminal for your marriage, though not necessarily so.

If being married/not splitting the family is important to you'll probably need to be looking to support from RELATE to help work through the problems. If he initially won't go, you can go on your own - it will help you sort out your own needs and priorities.

If being married/not splitting the family is important to him then he needs to accept that the relationship needs help to survive, and that he might need individual couselling too.

If he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and doesn't realise that the trust has gone, then I would say this marriage is, in effect, over.

It would be, for me.

FBaby

Whether this activity is considered cheating or not, what would have destroyed me inside if I were in your situation is his statement 'unhappily married'. He could indeed have put single or something else. The fact that he could deliberately pick this choice would make me feel deeply hurt, more than a physical affair.

This is what I would focus on. He says that he is unhappy with himself and is deeply sorry, but in your shoes, I would very weary of this being the truth. In the end, if there is even a slight chance that he isn't happy with you, you would be much better off breaking it off now than hoping things will get better. Unfortunately, if you ask him directly, he is most likely to deny there is a problem between you and him if he wants to stay in the marriage.

Seanymph

so it has gone from a few texts, to PAID subscription to sex sites, publishing himself nude on the web (and he'd be cool with you having been oggled by god knows who would he? - ANYONE can see those!), and talking directly to women looking for casual sexual encounters.

And you don't know what to do?

Blimey!

I wouldn't want to turn up for a meeting at school not knowing how many of the other parents may have seen my husband naked online - or talked to him......

and I speak from the experience of friend whose partner did all this - and then went on to meet women because she kept forgiving him.

he, for the record, said he was depressed, then tried to say he was a sex addict, then said he was abused as a child.

I still fail to see how HIS (probably fictional) states makes it ok to put someone through what he did - nor indeed what your husband is doing. he's miserable. Thank god we don't ALL do that when we are miserable eh?

He is making excuses - because he's been caught.

You however have a big decision to make.

neverdespairgirl

at_my_wits_end wrote: »

He is apparently very sorry and 'loves' me and doesn't want me to leave him. Again he is saying he did this for the feeling of being 'wanted' and the excitement (I can not understand this as I am not a cold heartless cow, I am a very loving person and thought we had a good sex life etc)

Try to remember, this isn't your fault, it's his. It's not that you aren't loving enough, or good enough in bed, or thin enough, or <insert other negative attribute here>

He wants the attention and excitement. Well, bully for him.

What is he going to do about fixing himself and your relationship?

neverdespairgirl

k3lvc wrote: »

This echos my earlier post and that it could be treated as early warning of depression rather than a specific issue with your relationship

IMHO a need for care/understanding/help rather than shouting/screaming/accusations

Sorry, but if my OH was paying to advertise his genitals online and decribing himself as "unhappily married" I don't think care, understanding and help would be my first thought either. Or my second.

gratefulforhelp_2

OP I think a lot depends on what kind of a life partner he is in other ways...

Seanymph

Why? It's easier to turn a blind eye to your husband spending his spare time talking to other women and paying them attention rather than you if he empties the dishwasher regularly?

lisa21

OP I think you need to really think about how discovering this is affecting you. Speaking from experience, once something like this happens, there is an irreversible breakdown of trust - could you live like that?

The low self esteem excuse is a total cop out. I don't know anyone who hasn't suffered from it at one time or another, but we don't all resort to cheating (and I do believe this is cheating).

And the fact that he has listed himself as unhappily married is disgusting. If he can't even be honest with you, what kind of relationship is it anyway?

You deserve better.