Am I being unreasonable?

scheming_gypsy

emsywoo123 wrote: »

You are such a gentle old romantic :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

one does have to keep chivalry alive :cool:

euronorris

FBaby wrote: »

but you can't be certain you would feel like being responsible for them, or that it would be accepted by both parents. Maybe it is in the definition of responsible. To me, responsible means that you have a parental duty of care for the children's welfare regardless of the situation. It goes much beyond looking after them a few times there and there (I consider this is something you would do to help your partner in her/his role as a parent), but accepting to take responsibility for their education (going to speak with teachers, making choices in regards to school etc...), their health (setting what their diet should be, making decision on treatments etc...), their education (deciding on the appropriate discipline...)

I don't see how you can have a relationship with the Mother (or father - whatever the case may be), and live with them all as a family, without being involved in the things you describe above.

I don't see how that could work long term.

Just because a step parent becomes involved in those decisions, doesn't mean they get final say, it should be discussed between all 3, or 4 (if the other parent also has a new partner) responsible adults.

peachyprice

FBaby wrote: »

It goes much beyond looking after them a few times there and there (I consider this is something you would do to help your partner in her/his role as a parent), but accepting to take responsibility for their education (going to speak with teachers, making choices in regards to school etc...), their health (setting what their diet should be, making decision on treatments etc...), their education (deciding on the appropriate discipline...)

But my OH does do those things, they're shared between me, my ex, my OH, (not really my Ex's wife, she's not English and lacks the confidence, but that's the only reason, if she wants to she can).

If one of the boys needs the dentist/ortho/doctors whoever is free takes them, same for parents evening, speaking to teachers etc. if the school phone and my OH answers he speaks to them.

As Euronorris has said, we all four of us parent between us and all our views are equally valid.

tattycath

My OH takes my kids to appointments, goes to parents evenings, school meetings for trips etc, takes them to friends' houses and picks them up if necessary. He's a great stepdad and loves and treats them like his own. I also love and treat his kids as my own too. Obviously we don't have PR for each others kids-but as far as we're able they are all 'our' kids.

FBaby

Why live as a family if you're not going to act like one?

Because a family in my world is not forceably mum and dad living together and raising children as if they had conceived them together. A family in my eyes is a group of people sharing a household and their lives together. I share this with my partner and my children, but he doesn't have to act like their dad for it to work well for everyone.

peachyprice

So what would happen in your household if one of your children had say a hospital appointment for a routine check-up, your OH was at home on hols or something, and you were at work that day, would you have to take a day off work to take the child to the appointment?

Or what would happen if the school rang your house because there had been an incident at school but you were out, would your OH not speak to the school and ask them to ring back when you were home?

FBaby

euronorris wrote: »

I don't see how you can have a relationship with the Mother (or father - whatever the case may be), and live with them all as a family, without being involved in the things you describe above.

I don't see how that could work long term.

Just because a step parent becomes involved in those decisions, doesn't mean they get final say, it should be discussed between all 3, or 4 (if the other parent also has a new partner) responsible adults.

I think the suggestion that all important suggestions should involve 4 people and somehow all will end up agreeing with the decision each time is totally unrealistic in most circumstances! It is hard enough in cases of separation for both parents to agree in the first place!

I think it is all about compromises. I separate issues my OH might have with how the kids behave as a whole, and how they behave which might affect him directly. If for instance I decided that it is ok for my 12 yoDD to go to the cinema on her own with her friend, and her dad was ok with it, but my OH said that he thought she was much too young to do so, I would have to say to him that I appreciate his views, but that as her parent, I would go with what I think is right. However, my DD is very very messy whereas my OH is borderline OTT. I know that untidiness can make him very anxious and unhappy, so even though I am not half as bothered as he is with tidiness, I install a rule around communal rooms. OH said no eating in living room, they used to be able to do so before, but I said we had to adhere to that new rule because it means a lot to his wellbeing.

FBaby

peachyprice wrote: »

But my OH does do those things, they're shared between me, my ex, my OH, (not really my Ex's wife, she's not English and lacks the confidence, but that's the only reason, if she wants to she can).

If one of the boys needs the dentist/ortho/doctors whoever is free takes them, same for parents evening, speaking to teachers etc. if the school phone and my OH answers he speaks to them.

As Euronorris has said, we all four of us parent between us and all our views are equally valid.

So what would happen in such a situation where you visit some schools and you feel very strongly your child should go to one particular school. Your ex agrees with you, but your OH strongly believes the other school would be better. You discussed it, you might start to see your OH point of view, but your ex doesn't. What do you do? In such a case scenario, in my view, there is no doubt that the parents' view should have precedence.

My ex' new partner and I don't always agree on educating our children. She pays a lot more attention to personal appearance than I do, but I am much stricter than she is when it comes to freedom and getting material things. She let her DD have expensive mobile phones from the age of 7, I wasn't happy with my DD to have one until she was older. Same with Facebook. I respect her decision with her children, but expect her to respect mine with mine. Thankfully, despite different views, she is indeed respectful of my position.

FBaby

peachyprice wrote: »

So what would happen in your household if one of your children had say a hospital appointment for a routine check-up, your OH was at home on hols or something, and you were at work that day, would you have to take a day off work to take the child to the appointment?

Or what would happen if the school rang your house because there had been an incident at school but you were out, would your OH not speak to the school and ask them to ring back when you were home?

If the question is aimed at me, I think you misunderstood my position. In the above situation, I would first try to see if I could take my child. If it was a problem, i would ask my OH if he would mind taking her since I couldn't go and would rather not rescheduled. If my OH said that he couldn't because he had planned to go and see his mum, I wouldn't hold it against him as I do consider it is my responsibility. If however he told me as the OP that he didn't see why he should do that even though he had nothing else planned at all, yes, I would be unhappy. One thing I would never say is 'OH, the appointment is on your day off, so I expect you will be taking DD'.

What I mean about responsibility relating to health/education are decisions that might have an impact on my children's future.

shellsuit

FBaby wrote: »

If the question is aimed at me, I think you misunderstood my position. In the above situation, I would first try to see if I could take my child. If it was a problem, i would ask my OH if he would mind taking her since I couldn't go and would rather not rescheduled. If my OH said that he couldn't because he had planned to go and see his mum, I wouldn't hold it against him as I do consider it is my responsibility. If however he told me as the OP that he didn't see why he should do that even though he had nothing else planned at all, yes, I would be unhappy. One thing I would never say is 'OH, the appointment is on your day off, so I expect you will be taking DD'.

What I mean about responsibility relating to health/education are decisions that might have an impact on my children's future.

See, in our house, it would just go without saying that if my husband had a day off and one of the kids (my 2) needed taking somewhere, he'd do it no questions asked.