Am I being unreasonable?

FBaby

but you can't be certain you would feel like being responsible for them, or that it would be accepted by both parents. Maybe it is in the definition of responsible. To me, responsible means that you have a parental duty of care for the children's welfare regardless of the situation. It goes much beyond looking after them a few times there and there (I consider this is something you would do to help your partner in her/his role as a parent), but accepting to take responsibility for their education (going to speak with teachers, making choices in regards to school etc...), their health (setting what their diet should be, making decision on treatments etc...), their education (deciding on the appropriate discipline...)

Ideally, it is good to have a minimum of shared values on these issues before moving in with a partner who already have children to avoid frustration. It was absolutely essentiel that my partner agreed with how I am raising my children for this reason and the same applied to my partner. As a result, we never disagree. He has given me his opinion on some matters, most I have agreed with, some not completely, but it has never been anything that has come close to affecting our relationship or the children.

FBaby

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

I don't know how you work your relationships but most don't move in together between the soup and main course. You don't become a step parent as soon as you start seeing the kids parent.

I was with my partner 18 months before we moved in together but I introduce him very only a couple of weeks after we met as we both agree there was no point in taking things further if there wasn't a spark between them too. We moved in 9 months ago and to be honest, I haven't noticed much difference in their relationship after the move from before. My partner likes my children and cares for them. He often takes my boy fishing and we enjoy holidays together. There is no tension at all in the house. We all had to make some compromises but these have caused no problems. My kids definitely care for him and respect him but he is not a father figure, he is another member of their family who isn't a parent.

shellsuit

FBaby wrote: »

But they are NOT his own.... I think it is great when a SD grow to love the children as much as if they were his own, but to expect it is wrong in my eyes. My partner doesn't have children, but if he did and the condition to be with me would be for me to love his children as if they were my own, as that would be the equivalent of blackmail in my eyes.

Relationships between step-parents and children can be very rewarding without the step-parent automatically taking on a parental role.

I didn't say they were his own, I said I'd expect him to treat them as if they were his own if he wanted to be with me and if he didn't, I wouldn't be with him. That's not blackmail at all, that means he could have said 'No, that's not for me' and toddled off to be with someone else which is fair enough.

Why would I want to be with a man who thought my children were 2nd best? Why would I want to be with a man who wouldn't care for, look after and help me raise them?

My children come first and it so happens that the man I chose to be with and fell in love with, thinks the exact same way.

shellsuit

FBaby wrote: »

I was with my partner 18 months before we moved in together but I introduce him very only a couple of weeks after we met as we both agree there was no point in taking things further if there wasn't a spark between them too. We moved in 9 months ago and to be honest, I haven't noticed much difference in their relationship after the move from before. My partner likes my children and cares for them. He often takes my boy fishing and we enjoy holidays together. There is no tension at all in the house. We all had to make some compromises but these have caused no problems. My kids definitely care for him and respect him but he is not a father figure, he is another member of their family who isn't a parent.

I didn't introduce my husband to the children until we'd been together for 4 months. We didn't even sleep together until we'd been together for 4 months, but that's another story lol!

He doesn't like the kids, he loves them. There was and still is respect from both ways. If they have a problem and don't speak to me about it, they go to him. They don't go to their Dad and never would.

My husband is their stepfather and is a mighty fine father figure to them.

FBaby

shellsuit wrote: »

I didn't say they were his own, I said I'd expect him to treat them as if they were his own if he wanted to be with me and if he didn't, I wouldn't be with him. That's not blackmail at all, that means he could have said 'No, that's not for me' and toddled off to be with someone else which is fair enough..

So say if he believed that smacking his children was a good way of disciplining his kids, but you didn't agree with it, even worse, neither did their dad, do you think it would be right to allow him to smack them because that's what he would do with HIS kids?

Why would I want to be with a man who thought my children were 2nd best? Why would I want to be with a man who wouldn't care for, look after and help me raise them?.

It's not because you don't treat children like your own that you consider them second best. It's about differences, not pecking orders.

My children come first and it so happens that the man I chose to be with and fell in love with, thinks the exact same way.

I agree with that, my partner also knows that my children come first and he respects that, but again, that doesn't give him the right nor the duty to consider the kids like his own.

In the end, this is not an issue at all as long as the parents are happy with the role the step-parent takes regardless of which it is.

claire16c

purpleprince wrote: »

The problem is that my partner is taking his 19 years old to a concert on a night that he should have the 12 year old. I have said that I won't be able to have him at ours as I already have my son and his 15 year old and to be honest his 12 year old is a bit of a nightmare. My partner asked his ex to have him but she said no because if I lie with a man who has kids I have to take responsibility for them! She said he is my responsibility that night and I will be looking after him.

I feel that his mum and dad are responsible for him not me and that if his dad is busy with the other son she should have her youngest.

Am I being unreasonable?

Maybe technically its their responsibility but surely at those ages 12 and 15 the kids can look after themselves pretty much. Cant you just put a dvd on for the night? Its only for a few hours and as youll be at home anyway, I dont see what the problem is, especially as you are going to be at home with the 15 year old already. It seems weird to treat the 12 year old differently.

FBaby

shellsuit wrote: »

I didn't introduce my husband to the children until we'd been together for 4 months. We didn't even sleep together until we'd been together for 4 months, but that's another story lol!

He doesn't like the kids, he loves them. There was and still is respect from both ways. If they have a problem and don't speak to me about it, they go to him. They don't go to their Dad and never would.

My husband is their stepfather and is a mighty fine father figure to them.

But that's the thing, your kids don't go to their dad so your husband replaces that role. That's very different. my kids have a very loving dad who is acting like a father figure towards them and always have. He is crap when it comes to paying for them and was certainly very happy to leave the 'chores' of child rearding to me, but that's another matter! In their eyes, they have ONE dad, their father. That doesn't mean they consider my partner any less, it means that he is someone else to them and they have a different type of relationship together, one that will evolve with time in its own way.

emsywoo123

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

Now I don't even want my own kids and would prefer not to inherit somebody elses kid as part of a package deal. BUT if I did meet somebody and she had a kid and we ended up living together, it'd be my responsibility to be a father figure to the brat and that includes looking after 'it' if and when needed and not just palming them off because I'm not their dad.


edit - by 'it' I mean there'll be one kid - no more. I'm not referring to a kid as an 'it'

You are such a gentle old romantic :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

shellsuit

FBaby wrote: »

So say if he believed that smacking his children was a good way of disciplining his kids, but you didn't agree with it, even worse, neither did their dad, do you think it would be right to allow him to smack them because that's what he would do with HIS kids?

That would never have come up, as he didn't have his own children when we met.

It's not because you don't treat children like your own that you consider them second best. It's about differences, not pecking orders.

The OP will look after her own child at home, ad look after her partners child at home who lives there 24/7, but won't look after her OH's other child at home when they live there for half the week?? That's treating the 12yo as second best and God knows how that child must feel.


I agree with that, my partner also knows that my children come first and he respects that, but again, that doesn't give him the right nor the duty to consider the kids like his own.

Why not? Surely you are a new family now and your partner is with you because he loves you and your children? Or am I missing something? Why live as a family if you're not going to act like one?

In the end, this is not an issue at all as long as the parents are happy with the role the step-parent takes regardless of which it is.

The kids Dad is more than happy to let my husband work his balls off to provide for his children, but the main thing is, that my husband is happy to do it anyway, whether my ex gave a stuff or not.

shellsuit

FBaby wrote: »

But that's the thing, your kids don't go to their dad so your husband replaces that role. That's very different. my kids have a very loving dad who is acting like a father figure towards them and always have. He is crap when it comes to paying for them and was certainly very happy to leave the 'chores' of child rearding to me, but that's another matter! In their eyes, they have ONE dad, their father. That doesn't mean they consider my partner any less, it means that he is someone else to them and they have a different type of relationship together, one that will evolve with time in its own way.

Where did I say that? The children did see their Dad all the time and would stay with him of a weekend, but they are 15 and almost 14 now, so prefer doing their own thing.