Am I being unreasonable?

purpleprince_2

I am new here so please be nice.

I was just wondering what other people thought of this. My partner is divorced and has been away from his ex for 6 years and we have lived together for about 5 years. They have 3 kids 19, 15 and 12.

The 19 year old is at uni, the 15 year old lives with my partner and I all the time and doesn't have a very good relationship with his mum and the 12 year old spends 4 nights at his mums and 3 nights at ours.
The problem is that my partner is taking his 19 years old to a concert on a night that he should have the 12 year old. I have said that I won't be able to have him at ours as I already have my son and his 15 year old and to be honest his 12 year old is a bit of a nightmare. My partner asked his ex to have him but she said no because if I lie with a man who has kids I have to take responsibility for them! She said he is my responsibility that night and I will be looking after him.

I feel that his mum and dad are responsible for him not me and that if his dad is busy with the other son she should have her youngest.

Am I being unreasonable?

HappyMJ

Yes...but you need to post this somewhere else...not on the referrers board.

McKneff

Its only one night, get them all (and yourself) on a WII for the night, you'll have a good time, he's only a bairn at 12, have a heart.

And Yes, it's only m opnion, but I think youre digging your heels in just for the sake of it, sorry

floss2

You will never build any sort of relationship with him if you won't even allow him in the house for an occasion such as this. That is the surest way to resentment & lack of respect from him. Maybe he is a "bit of a nightmare" because he has no stability - how would you have liked to be passed between two parents twice a week at his age? He quite possibly feels that nobody wants him enough to have him all week - boys' minds work in strange ways at that age. He may also feel very pushed out because his older brother appears to him to have the perfect life with you & his dad, that he doesn't have.

julie2710

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Surely after living together for 5 years you could bring yourself to look after his son for one night on your own? Does he never look after your child on his own at all? I wonder how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Maybe this will be an opportunity for you to have some "special time" with the two of you in order to build your relationship. I'm sure the poor boy would feel absolutely wretched to think that you didn't want to look after him just because his dad wasn't there.

pinkclouds

purpleprince wrote: »

I feel that his mum and dad are responsible for him not me and that if his dad is busy with the other son she should have her youngest.

Am I being unreasonable?

I can see why you think you're being reasonable. But, actually, you're not. You took on some of the parental responsibility when you got together with his dad. Parents and children come together as a set. Your step-son is part of your family and you must accept and treat him as such. Having said that... that doesn't mean he isn't a "bit of a nightmare". I would fully expect you to have the authority to tell him off and enforce rules, etc, while he is under your sole care. And for you and dad to present a united front when he's under your joint care. And if his mom doesn't agree then she shouldn't leave him in your sole care in the first place.

balletshoes

purpleprince wrote: »

I am new here so please be nice.

I was just wondering what other people thought of this. My partner is divorced and has been away from his ex for 6 years and we have lived together for about 5 years. They have 3 kids 19, 15 and 12.

The 19 year old is at uni, the 15 year old lives with my partner and I all the time and doesn't have a very good relationship with his mum and the 12 year old spends 4 nights at his mums and 3 nights at ours.
The problem is that my partner is taking his 19 years old to a concert on a night that he should have the 12 year old. I have said that I won't be able to have him at ours as I already have my son and his 15 year old and to be honest his 12 year old is a bit of a nightmare. My partner asked his ex to have him but she said no because if I lie with a man who has kids I have to take responsibility for them! She said he is my responsibility that night and I will be looking after him.

I feel that his mum and dad are responsible for him not me and that if his dad is busy with the other son she should have her youngest.

Am I being unreasonable?

no I don't think you are being unreasonable - but I think your OH is. He should have sorted this out with you and his ex before agreeing to take the 19-year old to the concert. Its your OH's problem to fix.

Ziggazee

I think you're being unreasonable. Look at it this way, what if you wanted to go somewhere and your partner refused to look after your child? I know that's unlikely due to the age, but I feel that if you and your partner are living together and making a life together you should both take responsibility for all of the children.

My partner moved in with me earlier in the year. He has two children (15 and 14) and I have one (14). There was an occasion when he had the opportunity to go to Wembley to watch the football (City v United.....very last minute.....he's a huge City fan), which would have meant him leaving very early in the morning and returning very late at night. We had the children that weekend. I told him without hesitation that he should go and I looked after the children. The way I see it is that we are a family unit and take joint responsibility. There have been loads of occasions when he has looked after my son whilst I've gone out with friends.

mishkanorman

sounds like the ex is being a bit of a cow bag to be fair, if I were in her situation I would love a bonus night with my own child rather than treating him like some inconvenient burden I couldnt wait to dump on the nearest person.

If I were you OP I would beg the help of a friend with a nice calm manner and take his kids and mine on a mega treat night, something like bowling where they wont have time to play me up and show him how a family behaves. Its about the only way you will win, if you refuse to have him the ex will probably make endless digs about it and if you have him at home no doubt your night will be a mare !

Alikay

The lad is part of the blended family you now have with your partner. Don't stoop to the ex's level and get stroppy about the responsibility!

ellay864

After XH and I split, nothing got me more angry than when he said he had plans and couldn't have our boys on 'his' nights/weekends and his partner wouldn't take them without him there. I had no family support so the only times I could do anything was when he had the kids (unless I had to pay out for a babysitter). Maybe his ex had also arranged something as she wasn't meant to be looking after him that night. After 5 years with him I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect that you could look after him