Am I being unreasonable?

CH27

I think you are being unreasonable.
How would you feel if your partner refused to have your son?

You are a family unit. You need to work as a team & cover each other.

*Robin*

This really sounds like one of those occasions when the question is masking a completely different problem.

Why is this lad a bit of a nightmare? Four days here and three days there.. Hardly surprising he's playing up. Insecurity personified, I expect.

OP, if you want to do the right thing, take all the kids who are home that night and do something fun with them, while Dad and big brother are also having a special night out.
Bowling is great, or the cinema, or a pamper night [boy-style] at home with dvds and popcorn, pizza and icecream, all snuggled under duvets on the sofa.

And think about what could be causing the 12 year old's bad behaviour. With three caring adults in his life, you should be able to work it out; maybe he would be better spending longer at each home rather than switching every 3 or 4 days? A system that worked for an 8 year old may well not be so good for a 12 year old.

peachyprice

Sorry, but another vote here for you being unreasonable.

If you were a man posting this there would be cries of outrage that a man isn't accepting a woman and her children as a package, the same goes for you.

Really, what possible harm can it do you to look after one 12yo boy who is part of your blended family, for one evening. You chose to have a long term relationship with a man with three children, it is grossly unfair of you to pick and choose which of those three you want to have a relationship with.

If you have treated the 12yo as an outsider for the last 5 years it's no wonder he's 'a bit of a nightmare'.

I would have hardly ever gone out if my OH had refused to stay in with my two older boys from my first marriage when they were younger, and TBH I would have been very hurt if he had tried to treat them so differently to our own daughter.

I see you haven't bothered to reply to this thread, but I do hope you're reading the reponses and bearing in mind that the majority of people think you are being unreasonable. Hopefully you will be able to take something positive from it.

heretolearn_2

In what way is he a 'nightmare'? He spends virtually half his life with you and OH, so you two are just as responsible for raising him as his mum; if he genuinely is a 'nightmare' it's just as much you two's problem to sort out, and you have contributed to it.

Can you really not manage a 12 year old for a few hours? What happens when he is over and OH is home? Do you not have anything to do with him? Are you not allowed to discipline him or something?

My stepsons were 'nightmares' when they were younger and my heart used to really sink when they were around, and I'd go out a lot. Finally I spoke to OH about why did he let them run riot? He'd been feeling helpless to impose any rules on them because their mum didn't. I told him kids can have two sets of rules, one for here, one for there, and we straight away started treating them like you would normally treat kids, normal rules, normal discipline. In a couple of visits time they were good as gold for us (but still running riot over their mum for years). So is it a case of his not knowing how you want him to behave and having consistent rules for your house, and you and OH BOTH equally dealing with this?

Emmzi

you are being unreasonable in seeing it as an ex problem and not a partner problem. she hasn't moved the goalposts, he has.

Frankly I'd suck it up and if it goes badly tell him never again.

You may actually LIKE it though....

scheming_gypsy

*Robin* wrote: »

Why is this lad a bit of a nightmare? Four days here and three days there.. Hardly surprising he's playing up. Insecurity personified, I expect.

.

why is it insecurity? he's not being pushed about he's spending time with his parents. thousands of kids spend the week with one parent and then spend Friday to Sunday / Monday morning with the other.

shellsuit

Yes you are being unreasonable IMO.

You've been living together for 5 years, so I'd expect you to have some sort of relationship with your OH's children.

If my ex had been with someone for 5 years, and she wouldn't watch one of our children for a few hours, I'd wonder what they hell my ex was doing with her.

My husband has always treated my 2 as his own. Now we have a little one of our own, the 3 ALL get treated exactly the same. The only thing that differs is that they call him by his name instead of Dad.

clearingout

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

why is it insecurity? he's not being pushed about he's spending time with his parents. thousands of kids spend the week with one parent and then spend Friday to Sunday / Monday morning with the other.

I don't think that's true. Thousands spend every other weekend with one parent and the other for 2 weeks in between (unless there is a mid-week overnight, which is also common). Would you like to spend half your life in one house and the other half in another house? I know I wouldn't.

He is getting to an age when he's going to have opinions on how he wants to live his life. Some well placed questions about how he feels about moving between mum and dad might be useful - but there is a balance between trying to involve him in arrangements that concern him and making him feel that perhaps he's not as wanted as he was in one or other of his homes. Not an easy one to tackle.

elvis86

Are you being unreasonable? Absolutely.

a) This kid pretty much lives between your house and your OH's ex's house 50/50. Therefore they're both his homes and he should have been made to feel as such over the 5 years you and OH have lived together. You accepted this when you moved in with your OH who had this level of access to his children, and it's very unfair of you to now tell the kid that he's not welcome at your house.

b) You're willing to have OH's 15 year old live with you but you're refusing to allow his 12 year old to stay? That just smacks of akwardness and favouritism. No wonder the ex is annoyed (seems like you're deliberately sabotaging any plans she may have made), and I wouldn't be surprised if your attitude towards the 12 year old is a contributory factor to his bad behaviour.

c) You're talking about teenagers, not toddlers !!!!!!. How much "looking after" do a 12 and 15 year old require? It's not like you're being left alone with 6 kids in nappies.

and

d) How on earth have you been living with your OH for 5 years, having this kid living with you 3 days a week, and never been left in a position where you're alone with him?! You must have a very weird routine, if up until now for the 3 days a week the 12 year old is at your house, your OH has practiced contact parenting and never popped out alone/not been home from work by the time the kid gets home from school etc?!

peachyprice

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

why is it insecurity? he's not being pushed about he's spending time with his parents. thousands of kids spend the week with one parent and then spend Friday to Sunday / Monday morning with the other.

I have to agree with this, I can't see how spending pretty much equal time with both parents, in an established routine would lead to insecurity.

My boys, since they were 18 months old, spent every weekend and one night a week with their dad, they are the most secure well balanced teenagers a parent could wish for. They have no problem whatsoever with having two homes.

It's only now that they are 16 that they spend far more time at mine, through their own choice, but this was always inevitable as this is where their friends are.

On the other hand, spending equal time with a step mum who clearly doesn't like a child, well that would lead to problems.