Elderley Dad - wont spend money

mrbrightside842

I don't think it is just a sexism thing, I think it's selfishness. Getting his older sister to get the bus to him and take his washing away. Did he pay her for her bus fare, her electricity, her washing products? By the time you factor all this in, it'd be cheaper to pay the £6 for someone to wash and iron them. And then he wants your wife to drive 40 miles to pick up and then again to deliver his laundry, despite her job and the kids. Tell him this, how much petrol costs against the price of someone local doing it. Or tell him you'd do it, if he'll pay your petrol, your laundry products etc and hike the price up so that a local service would be cheaper. I know he's your dad, and you're not going to change his ways and that you don't want him to be unclean, but if he's a proud man he won't want to be unclean either. He took advantage of his sister for years, it needs to be made clear to him that he can't do the same to everyone, especially not your wife just because she's a woman who happens to be related to him. Is the friend who's machine he'll use a man or a woman? And do they know of his arrangement?

Tish_P

He's 77 - could live another 10 or 20 years. I can understand the OP's reluctance to take on responsibilities his dad is perfectly capable of from 40 miles away!

It depends how "far gone" you think he is, OP. If he's sufficiently stubborn that your choice really is between cleaning for him and letting him stink, you might have to accept he's not as rational as he used to be and arrange a rota with your brother. Otherwise put your foot down and tell him his options are to clean up after himself or pay someone else to. Point out you'd much rather he look after himself than leave you a fortune dying of dysentery!

[Deleted User]

dark_lady wrote: »

Hope you dont mind me asking (and you dont have to answer if you dont want) but has he always been like this or has it just crept up on him with age?

Always been like this to a certain extent but deffo getting worse now...

[Deleted User]

Outer_Limits wrote: »

My friends Father was exactly like yours OP - certain tasks are 'women's work' and he'd rather mess up his life than do them. He wouldn't spend any money either (understandable from childhood poverty) but all the money he scrimped and saved was swallowed up by a state nursing home in the end.

The ruses to install a washing machine sound good, but as 'women's work' do you believe he'd use it, even then?

Does he have any single male friends of a similar age? If they do their own washing, or pay to have it done, he might listen to them more than you.

I suppose you could provide the machine and do the wash while you visit - it would save having to return with it, and he might see doing it himself as more possible.

Yep. Thats whats going to happen.

Yes he does have friends that have washing machines. Which is weird because usually he will listen to what they think rather than me.

[Deleted User]

dark_lady wrote: »

Outer Limits my ex boyfriends old dad was the same and yes even after having a washing machine installed he would moan constantly that none of his three daughters would do his washing. He would go into the chemists and say things like "well what do you think of this,ive got 3 daughters and none of them will do a bit of washing for me":o He NEVER asked any of his five sons though.

Yep. Sounds my old man to a T. No daughters tho so he asks sons to ask their partners..... Not right is it?

[Deleted User]

*max* wrote: »

I think it's old habits and old school sexism really, not so much about money. He sees any cleaning task as a woman's job. Clearly, you won't be changing his views now, so the choices are few: either he accepts having to do his own laundry with his own washing machine (unlikely), or he pays someone to do it for him. Make it clear to him: he only has those two choices. Nobody will be doing it for free, or as a favour. Either he pays up, or he goes dirty. That's it!

Its both I think.

He would never pay. He'd rather just not wash his clothes. Like I said theres his list in his head of things you should NEVER pay for.

[Deleted User]

roddydogs wrote: »

Its not just the washing, theres the drying that needs room, then the ironing.!
Perhaps hes saving the money so you can inherit more?

I dont want it or need it though! :-(

[Deleted User]

blue_monkey wrote: »

Or maybe he just thinks it is women's work and not a job for him. Does he cook OP?

I'd get a 2nd hand one from the paper and say you was given it and then if he really is not going to use it you can wash it while there and the hang it up to dry. You could leave a note saying 'turn to C and press start button' and maybe - just maybe - will start to realise how convenient it is.

He has come from a generation where women did do most of the work and women were quite happy to do it, however, times have changed. Sooner or later his friend around the corner will get sick of doing it or he'll get sick of carrying it. Just get a cheap one and some liquidtabs take it to him and plumb it in and tell him how to use it - if he sees how easy it is to use then he might start using it.

He does cook so why is washing different I dont know?

Thing is he thinks hes 'modern' etc and not an old biddie but some of his ideas are firmly entrenched in the 50s.

[Deleted User]

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Could the family buy him a washer-dryer for Christmas and everyone bung things in it for him when they visit? Tell him it's the only way he will get his washing done as everyone works (Even WOMEN,:rotfl: !) these days.

No .He'd go mad.

Told him 1000 times my wife is busy. Even told him if I did his washing in emergency I would do it which shocked him a bit!

seven-day-weekend

margaretclare wrote: »

Forgive me for butting in, but I'm the same generation as your Dad and I was one of the 'women's rights' campaigners many many years ago.

You are right, there are 2 issues: one, the money he won't spend and two, the ingrained sexism.

I wouldn't have anything to do with this, wouldn't persuade your wife to do his washing - I'm sure she has other things to do with her time. His sister was a fool all those years. I wouldn't have done it!

He reminds me of a guy I once met for a drink, before I met DH. Before I even sat down he told me how he'd been married for 35 years and in that time had never made a meal, never even made so much as a cup of tea. He'd had to learn to cook in the last 5 years since she died, and he looked at me hopefully.

My bottom did not even touch the chair. I was out of there so fast you wouldn't believe. I've now been married to 2 men of that generation. My first husband had nothing but contempt for men he knew who wouldn't change a baby's nappy, wouldn't make their own snap for work...Both of them have been fully-conversant with all domestic appliances, washer, vacuum, the lot. I wouldn't countenance any man who wasn't.

Besides, it wouldn't be very pleasant, would it, carrying dirty washing in the car? Awful to have to carry it on the bus - yeuch. No way.



Er, no, not all of us. Read up about the women's movement of the 70s. Not all!

Well said. My mum (born in 1908) wouldn't have had any truck with it either. My dad (born in 1904) could, and did, cook and do household tasks.