Elderley Dad - wont spend money

dark_lady

Outer_Limits wrote: »

My friends Father was exactly like yours OP - certain tasks are 'women's work' and he'd rather mess up his life than do them. He wouldn't spend any money either (understandable from childhood poverty) but all the money he scrimped and saved was swallowed up by a state nursing home in the end.

The ruses to install a washing machine sound good, but as 'women's work' do you believe he'd use it, even then?

Does he have any single male friends of a similar age? If they do their own washing, or pay to have it done, he might listen to them more than you.

I suppose you could provide the machine and do the wash while you visit - it would save having to return with it, and he might see doing it himself as more possible.

Outer Limits my ex boyfriends old dad was the same and yes even after having a washing machine installed he would moan constantly that none of his three daughters would do his washing. He would go into the chemists and say things like "well what do you think of this,ive got 3 daughters and none of them will do a bit of washing for me":o He NEVER asked any of his five sons though.

Spirit_2

If it is the money rather than doing the washing that is the issue, could you try to get him one from free cycle or second hand?

You could tell him a friend who was moving had it going spare and you thought of him. He may value a 'bargain'.

As my mum aged and gained foibles, I found that seeing the lighter side was always best. One of my sisters was really helpful to her but preferred to moan about her or boss her about, all of us loved her but calling the shots was not on in either direction...so in this sort of example...I or one sister would have bought her a washing machine for her birthday/Christmas/mothers day...my other sister would have opted to do the washing but have moaned constantly about it and continually reminded us about the trouble she was going to.

*max*

I think it's old habits and old school sexism really, not so much about money. He sees any cleaning task as a woman's job. Clearly, you won't be changing his views now, so the choices are few: either he accepts having to do his own laundry with his own washing machine (unlikely), or he pays someone to do it for him. Make it clear to him: he only has those two choices. Nobody will be doing it for free, or as a favour. Either he pays up, or he goes dirty. That's it!

roddydogs

Its not just the washing, theres the drying that needs room, then the ironing.!
Perhaps hes saving the money so you can inherit more?

blue_monkey_2

Or maybe he just thinks it is women's work and not a job for him. Does he cook OP?

I'd get a 2nd hand one from the paper and say you was given it and then if he really is not going to use it you can wash it while there and the hang it up to dry. You could leave a note saying 'turn to C and press start button' and maybe - just maybe - will start to realise how convenient it is.

He has come from a generation where women did do most of the work and women were quite happy to do it, however, times have changed. Sooner or later his friend around the corner will get sick of doing it or he'll get sick of carrying it. Just get a cheap one and some liquidtabs take it to him and plumb it in and tell him how to use it - if he sees how easy it is to use then he might start using it.

seven-day-weekend

Could the family buy him a washer-dryer for Christmas and everyone bung things in it for him when they visit? Tell him it's the only way he will get his washing done as everyone works (Even WOMEN,:rotfl: !) these days.

Maz

If your Dad cooks for himself as you say and is doing some of his washing in the sink, I don't think it is an aversion to doing what were seen as 'women's chores'! Otherwise,he'd starve and stink!

If he has sky, microwave etc already, seems he doesn't have a problem operating household appliances either.

When he takes his washing round to his mates' house, will his mate do the washing for him? (i.e. open washer door, bung washing in, add detergent and switch on?) Or will your Dad be doing it? Whichever it is, his mate might well soon get fed up with the arrangement, it's an additional cost to him in water and electricity usage apart from wear and tear on his washer.

It's a bit unrealistic and a bit selfish to expect your wife to do it for him, given that you live 40 miles away, both work full time and have a houseful of kids! Have you explained this to him?

He seems pretty self sufficient in all other fundamental areas (apart from cleaning).

Maybe, (if you can afford it obv), you could arrange for a weekly service wash from a local launderette and pay for it yourself? Our local laundry do a collect and deliver service and charge around £6 per washload.

Memory_Girl

I'd be tempted to turn up one day with a freegled washing machine to install - and my DS1 in tow to show him how to operate it. Grandad could then complain all he liked about "interfering women" to menfolk all he likes - no skin off my nose if it was sorted and he would get a "I'm fed up to the back teeth of all the drama so I have sorted it, like it or lump it"

DS1 does the laundry at home (well he sorts it out and presses the button - I do the drying and ironing) but he would just laugh hysterically if his grandad told him it was "womens work"

Mind you I always work on the "its easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission" with the old Rascal.

MG

the_cat

Ok, so without doubt he's a chauvanistic skinflint who could do with learning a bit about how the real world is nowadays and who should step up and take care of his own problems/care or pay for someone else to do so.....

But bearing in mind that he has been like this for so long, that really isn't going to happen is it? I'd clean the place up for him and keep on top of the jobs he can no longer do. Set up a rota with your brother to do the washing (leave the wives and girlfriends out of it - he's your dad!)

You won't have him around for many more years, so accept him warts and all and enjoy him while you still can. You don't want to look back and feel guilty that you let him live in a filthy environment, unkempt and unwashed without at least trying to help in the practical sense

margaretclare

[quote=[Deleted User];48093149]Like I said, I think it's not just the money (although that is one thing).

He's also got this idea that he can't do washing and that some female has got to do it for him...[/QUOTE]

Forgive me for butting in, but I'm the same generation as your Dad and I was one of the 'women's rights' campaigners many many years ago.

You are right, there are 2 issues: one, the money he won't spend and two, the ingrained sexism.

I wouldn't have anything to do with this, wouldn't persuade your wife to do his washing - I'm sure she has other things to do with her time. His sister was a fool all those years. I wouldn't have done it!

He reminds me of a guy I once met for a drink, before I met DH. Before I even sat down he told me how he'd been married for 35 years and in that time had never made a meal, never even made so much as a cup of tea. He'd had to learn to cook in the last 5 years since she died, and he looked at me hopefully.

My bottom did not even touch the chair. I was out of there so fast you wouldn't believe. I've now been married to 2 men of that generation. My first husband had nothing but contempt for men he knew who wouldn't change a baby's nappy, wouldn't make their own snap for work...Both of them have been fully-conversant with all domestic appliances, washer, vacuum, the lot. I wouldn't countenance any man who wasn't.

Besides, it wouldn't be very pleasant, would it, carrying dirty washing in the car? Awful to have to carry it on the bus - yeuch. No way.

He has come from a generation where women did do most of the work and women were quite happy to do it, however, times have changed.

Er, no, not all of us. Read up about the women's movement of the 70s. Not all!