Elderley Dad - wont spend money

[Deleted User]

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margaretclare

Hello Paul

You've obviously done well and you've moved, mentally, psychologically as well as physically, from that small Welsh town. All credit to you. Dad has not. He didn't even want to buy his council house when the legislation made it possible. This is not totally unusual. There can be advantages in remaining as a council tenant - you get all your repairs done, that can be a big incentive. Once you're an owner-occupier, we all know, it's down to you! We had to have our roof replaced (1930s asbestos tiles) a few years ago now, whereas the council has been replacing, on a planned basis, those older council houses that were built with asbestos roofs - cheap, light and easy to work with, but not allowed now!

I'm not like Dad because I had no option but to go away from where I grew up in a Yorkshire village, grammar school then other options. And stay in a job I hated for 40 years? No way! I have a much wider perspective than someone who never moved far from their roots. But I've heard of it before. We sometimes see, on Martin's site, threads about the younger generation wanting to buy mum/dad's or granny/grandad's council house. Usually because younger generation can see profit in it for them, usually they get thoroughly slapped down by posters on these threads. But one has to ask: why didn't mum/dad or granny/grandad buy their house themselves when they had the chance, long before house prices rose to stupid levels that they are today and when it might have been a reasonable option. Maybe it was comfortable for them, they paid the rent and knew where they were. Any repairs, phone the Council's relevant department and it was sorted for them. They maybe even liked moaning about it if the Council's repairs department weren't speedy enough - some people do seem to enjoy that kind of thing!

Even today, my eldest GD lives in a one-bedroom council flat in a northern town. Because she's a council youth worker her rent and council tax go out of her 4-weekly salary before she ever sees it. She's recently had her boiler and radiators replaced by the council under some new regulations. She's then been given a redecorating grant. She'd not get that if it had all been down to her!

I think you're right - you may be flogging a dead horse on this one. However, what to do? Clothes do get worn, day in day out, sheets need changing, underclothes (don't even go there). If I was your wife I would absolutely refuse to do what he wants her to do and what he thinks reasonable for you, as the man of the house, to request and demand of your wife (the housewife). Never mind that there are children and her job to consider. I just hope that this will not cause a rift between you and your wife. That would be very very sad.

About moving from job to job - I've done a lot of that, although it caused shock and dismay among some of the older generation. My stepson, who's also in IT, has done it, but always to his own advantage. It may not seem like it on the outside, but he's always got his head screwed on.

[Deleted User]

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babymoo

Ive only read like 2 pages of this but thought i'd reply before I forget what I was going to say lol.

Is it possible that you could find a cleaner (female if your dad thinks that its a womans job), and you and your brother pay her and jus tell your dad that shes doing it because she needs something to do? Also this woman could do his washing and again your dad wouldn't have to know that it was being paid for? Just a thought, it works for my stepgran.

[Deleted User]

babymoo wrote: »

Ive only read like 2 pages of this but thought i'd reply before I forget what I was going to say lol.

Is it possible that you could find a cleaner (female if your dad thinks that its a womans job), and you and your brother pay her and jus tell your dad that shes doing it because she needs something to do? Also this woman could do his washing and again your dad wouldn't have to know that it was being paid for? Just a thought, it works for my stepgran.

Yeh. I would pay for it now problem.

Trouble is I dont think he'd believe that someone was doing it for free. And, unfortunately, he'd kick off because theres was 'no need' for someone to do it. Thats the way he is - don't do things because theres no need or its too much hassle.

Ultimately, bottom line is that whatever I did for him he'd think it was pointless and I'm only doing it because I didnt want to help him myself.

margaretclare

[quote=[Deleted User];48205519]Yeh. I would pay for it now problem.

Trouble is I dont think he'd believe that someone was doing it for free. And, unfortunately, he'd kick off because theres was 'no need' for someone to do it. Thats the way he is - don't do things because theres no need or its too much hassle.

Ultimately, bottom line is that whatever I did for him he'd think it was pointless and I'm only doing it because I didnt want to help him myself.[/QUOTE]

This adds a slightly-different aspect to the problem. You wrote "That's the way he is - don't do things because there's no need or its too much hassle." Interesting.

There IS a need to do your washing! For example, there are 2 of us here, the place doesn't get very dirty, DH does some of the cooking, but I put the washing through. I don't 'do' washing in the sense that my mother did! All I do is shove it into a machine with the necessary washing-tablet and the machine does the rest. I can't imagine what life would be like if I hadn't the means to do this. I couldn't live with dirty clothes, sheets, towels - don't even go there. I couldn't imagine lugging bags of dirty washing to and fro, especially not to someone else's house. I'd be mortified.

You say that whatever you do he'd think it was only because you didn't want to help him yourself. So it really IS down to the idea that many older people seem to have (according to what people say on here) that 'family should do it'. His son, or preferably his daughter-in-law, because washing is really a woman's job.

DH has lived on his own at times and he used to take a bag of shirts to a local laundry service and pick them up at the end of the day. He was living in a service flat where he had sheets and towels changed for him. Underclothes and socks, he used to wash in the bathroom basin. I don't think he'd ever have this kind of a problem even if I wasn't here. There are basic things you just have to cope with and personal laundry is one of them.

seven-day-weekend

My late m-i-l was always telling me about her sister's daughter-in-law, who 'cooked all her mother-in-law's meals and did all her cleaning and washing'. Now both this lady and my m-i-l were quite fit and healthy and capable of doing their own housework and cooking. My m-i-l seemed to think that in spite of this I should do it for her, and I was never the d-i-l she wanted because I didn't (at least not until she was too frail to do it herself).

Seems like the OP's dad is the same. The difference being, my m-i-l DID do it herself when I didn't. But she did think I shoud.

I don't know what the answer is other than to get him a washing machine and do his washing when you visit. Isn't that 'helping him' yourself?

[Deleted User]

Had some good advice on here (especially margaret - thanks) but wonder if anyone knows of any specialist forums on the internet in general where I can discuss these sort of problems with elderly parent?

[Deleted User]

margaretclare wrote: »

This adds a slightly-different aspect to the problem. You wrote "That's the way he is - don't do things because there's no need or its too much hassle." Interesting.

There IS a need to do your washing! For example, there are 2 of us here, the place doesn't get very dirty, DH does some of the cooking, but I put the washing through. I don't 'do' washing in the sense that my mother did! All I do is shove it into a machine with the necessary washing-tablet and the machine does the rest. I can't imagine what life would be like if I hadn't the means to do this. I couldn't live with dirty clothes, sheets, towels - don't even go there. I couldn't imagine lugging bags of dirty washing to and fro, especially not to someone else's house. I'd be mortified.

You say that whatever you do he'd think it was only because you didn't want to help him yourself. So it really IS down to the idea that many older people seem to have (according to what people say on here) that 'family should do it'. His son, or preferably his daughter-in-law, because washing is really a woman's job.

DH has lived on his own at times and he used to take a bag of shirts to a local laundry service and pick them up at the end of the day. He was living in a service flat where he had sheets and towels changed for him. Underclothes and socks, he used to wash in the bathroom basin. I don't think he'd ever have this kind of a problem even if I wasn't here. There are basic things you just have to cope with and personal laundry is one of them.

thats always his attitude. There might be things out there to make it easier, people you can pay but my dad would never entertain them.

Oh yes, he thinks family should do it for him - i.e. a female member. It seems he'd rather put on someone within the family when it could be easier otherwise.

Yep. Agreed. Not according to my Dad methinks. Like I said, even when he was 40 one thing he NEVER did was the laundry.

[Deleted User]

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

My late m-i-l was always telling me about her sister's daughter-in-law, who 'cooked all her mother-in-law's meals and did all her cleaning and washing'. Now both this lady and my m-i-l were quite fit and healthy and capable of doing their own housework and cooking. My m-i-l seemed to think that in spite of this I should do it for her, and I was never the d-i-l she wanted because I didn't (at least not until she was too frail to do it herself).

Seems like the OP's dad is the same. The difference being, my m-i-l DID do it herself when I didn't. But she did think I shoud.

I don't know what the answer is other than to get him a washing machine and do his washing when you visit. Isn't that 'helping him' yourself?

Thats an option but he aint gonna like it. Even if I paid for the washing machine (no problem for me) he'd criticize because I wasted money. He'd moan that it might leak in the house. He'd say having a washing machine is just too much bother.

Then he'd say he only asked me to do one thing (take his washing home with me and do it) and I cant be bothered to do that after all hes done for me.