Elderley Dad - wont spend money

claire16c

[quote=[Deleted User];48207339]Thats an option but he aint gonna like it. Even if I paid for the washing machine (no problem for me) he'd criticize because I wasted money. He'd moan that it might leak in the house. He'd say having a washing machine is just too much bother.

Then he'd say he only asked me to do one thing (take his washing home with me and do it) and I cant be bothered to do that after all hes done for me.[/QUOTE]

Cant you just ignore it though?

If you buy him a washing machine, ok he has a moan at you. But so what? The washing machine is bought, hes not going to take it back is he, so he'll just have to get on and use it.

If he moans it will leak, let him use it and find out that it doesnt.

Its not like hes going to come round your house and spend 24/7 moaning at you, so cant you just let him have a whinge for 5 minutes and then hopefully hell get over it?

[Deleted User]

Maz wrote: »

But you have explained to him that your wife works full time, you have kids and she hasn't got the time/energy, plus you live 40 miles away and she has said No anyway, haven't you?

Seriously, if your Dad can't or won't comprehend that what he's asking of you and your wife is selfish and unreasonable, you're on a losing wicket.

Yep. Seems to be the case :-(

[Deleted User]

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Now, this is a man who brought up two? boys single-handedly, has been generous to them and has coped through all sorts of difficulties - and lived to see them successful, with their own families. He's only asking you to do this one little thing, he says, and he's given you so much over the years that you oughten to refuse him. He won't take your money or your offers to buy him things - he just wants your wife to take his washing away and return it all clean and fresh.

Any decent grown up man would know that laundry is something you should do for yourself, but he's a big dependent baby when it comes to washing clothes - or so he says.

You could try the brutal approach but from the sounds of it, you are far too loving, sensitive and compassionate to hurt his feelings. What the heck, I'll say it anyway.....

I would tell him how saddened and low I felt as I crossed the threshold to see the neglect and lack of self-respect around a man that I looked up to. You are worried that, by taking on this chore, you will help him to go further and further downhill, not caring about his surroundings or looking after himself. And that's why you have to refuse him.

Smarten up and respect yourself, Dad, I'd say.

I think he's very lucky to have such caring sons. You can see clearly to the root of his problem and recognise that by taking in his washing you are only going to make him worse. Stick to your guns and don't feel guilty: it's for his own good, in the long term.

I think you got the description pretty spot on here. Trouble is the attitude is so engrained I dont think hes going to change ever.

Brighton_belle

OP, can't add any more suggestions, to this seemingly impossible situation that is understandibly utterly infuriating, frustrating and a little miserable making.
But I did want to say I think you are a good son.

[Deleted User]

I think that what Kay Peel suggested could work. Its got to be better than just leaving things the way they are or entering yourself into a 'lets see how many ways I can tell u u are selfish (i.e. your father telling you this)' debacle? You've already tried that and u know what's going to happen.

If it doesn't work.., nothing changes. But it could work.

Maz

What you could do,(if you can afford it) is agree to do the washing. Take it home, then arrange for a laundry to pick it up from yours and return it to you all sorted. Will cost you about £6 per load or thereabouts. Then, take it back to Dad on your next visit.

He'll think your wife is doing it, you're still the grateful son and he's none the wiser.

Mojisola

You are not saying to your father that you won't help when he needs it - you are suggesting alternatives that are quite reasonale - get help in to clean and do washing or buy a washing machine. If he refuses to take one of these options, that's his choice.

Some older people do seem to revert to behaving like teenagers - it's not fair, it's all your fault, why won't you do this for me? The same tactics that work with teenagers can be used to preserve your sanity - refuse to be made to feel guilty, give some reasonable options and let them decide what to do and let them live with the consequences.

margaretclare

[quote=[Deleted User];48218365]Maybe. But he genuinely does not like spending money. Not defending him cos I think hes bang out of order....

The way he looks at (I think) is :-

Sky TV - expensive but I get something out of it. i.e. I get enjoyment out of it. So he talks himself (literally) into saying why not splash out.

Washing Machine - dont want to do it myself, its too hard. £200 is a lot of money. What do I get out of it - nothing! Therefore, whats the point in spending money.

House - its OK it'll last. Carpets are dirty, walls need painting, kitchen units are broken, wardrobe is broken - but I DONT CARE.

Hes always been like this to a certain extent. If he can avoid spending money on something for the house he will. Its a constant battle to get him to spend to make himself comfortable.

Since he moved in all those years ago, I remember how it was all fitted out.

Carpet - done by friend of family- cheapest carpet known to man.

Bed - Deceased relatives old one which was well battered. (He has now bought a new one).

Bedroom furniture - his mothers pre-war falling apart stuff - still there.

Living room furniture - used to be some odd stuff from some friend who'd died. Now hes got my old 3 piece suite.

His attitude - why spend money unless you have to! Unfortunately, comfort for himself doesnt come into 'have to'

As you can see I'm still mega wound up by him![/QUOTE]

I've read all the responses from the time I added my fourpence yesterday morning. Mainly, with this list, I am amazed, and it does all illustrate the fact that 'we older people are NOT all alike'! Never mind the fact that we none of us had much money when we were younger, that may well be the ONLY thing that we have in common. I can say without fear of contradiction that, apart from being the same age, your Dad and I have NOTHING in common. Nor have DH and your Dad.

Some younger people DO seem to think that we're all alike, think alike, want the same things, just because we're the same age. It's not possible to have a clearer illustration of the fallacy of this idea.

Yesterday I talked to a man I know - he and his wife have been friends of mine since 1960. They've allowed their passports to lapse because they've 'been everywhere, seen everything' and they've sold their camper-van because they've been 'all over the UK and nothing else to see'. I cannot understand this outlook either.

'Cheapest carpet known to man' - yes, I got one of those years ago when we had very little money. It didn't last! It had footpaths trodden into it, front door to kitchen, all the ways we mostly walked. I got my hall carpeted a few years ago and chose the best quality I could afford at the time. Buy something cheap and it looks what it is - poor quality and will not last. I learned that many years ago - quality lasts - and it's what I always do.

I agree with dark lady that it is the sexism, and I honestly do NOT know what the answer is. Dad has every reason to be proud of you and obviously the way he lives is a constant nightmare. You want to do your best for him - but how?

I think the fact that he gets upset if you offer to do his washing and won't put pressure on your wife to do it, is back to the deeply-held sexism. I used to hear from a lot of men of my age years back that 'oh well, if she chooses to have a "little job" it's up to her, so long as she doesn't neglect her main occupation - being a housewife and mother'. They used to imagine that we went out to work for entertainment - little job! - and could do that easily, not get tired, because that wasn't our main raison d'etre. So I can quite see that the fact that his DIL has a job does not even figure on his radar. Same with her house and children - what a woman is there for. Grrrr!!!

margaretclare

Mojisola wrote: »

You are not saying to your father that you won't help when he needs it - you are suggesting alternatives that are quite reasonable - get help in to clean and do washing or buy a washing machine. If he refuses to take one of these options, that's his choice.

Some older people do seem to revert to behaving like teenagers - it's not fair, it's all your fault, why won't you do this for me? The same tactics that work with teenagers can be used to preserve your sanity - refuse to be made to feel guilty, give some reasonable options and let them decide what to do and let them live with the consequences.

Some do. Not all!

Mojisola

margaretclare wrote: »

Some do. Not all!

That's why I said "some".