Elderley Dad - wont spend money

margaretclare

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

My late m-i-l was always telling me about her sister's daughter-in-law, who 'cooked all her mother-in-law's meals and did all her cleaning and washing'. Now both this lady and my m-i-l were quite fit and healthy and capable of doing their own housework and cooking. My m-i-l seemed to think that in spite of this I should do it for her, and I was never the d-i-l she wanted because I didn't (at least not until she was too frail to do it herself).

Seems like the OP's dad is the same. The difference being, my m-i-l DID do it herself when I didn't. But she did think I should.

7DWE, I don't doubt that what you say is true, but this is the type of mentality that I just cannot comprehend. What would the people you describe think of DH and me - we're both 76 now and so far it hasn't entered either of our heads that the next generation should do any of this for us. We're just at the stage of paying someone to do the garden for us. For a while now we've had the windows cleaned once a month for us. When DH was in hospital with septicaemia, before he came home I got Merry Maids in to do a complete 'blitz'. If we really became incapable there's always internet shopping, and Merry Maids would come weekly, monthly or however often I wanted. I would NOT expect any of the younger generation to do any of those things. It wouldn't be practical anyway as most of our near relatives are anything but 'near' in terms of distance.

I don't know what the answer is other than to get him a washing machine and do his washing when you visit. Isn't that 'helping him' yourself?

He seems to be upset about the idea of the son doing it, prefers the DIL to do it, if she would agree to. The fact that she's already busy with job, children etc does not weigh with him in terms of priorities.

dark_lady

It is more to do with the sexism aspect than anything else because if it was down to him not liking spending money then he wouldnt be spending money on a Sky TV package!
He knows damn well he is being sexist and is using the money excuse as a smokescreen.

seven-day-weekend

margaretclare wrote: »

7DWE, I don't doubt that what you say is true, but this is the type of mentality that I just cannot comprehend. What would the people you describe think of DH and me - we're both 76 now and so far it hasn't entered either of our heads that the next generation should do any of this for us. We're just at the stage of paying someone to do the garden for us. For a while now we've had the windows cleaned once a month for us. When DH was in hospital with septicaemia, before he came home I got Merry Maids in to do a complete 'blitz'. If we really became incapable there's always internet shopping, and Merry Maids would come weekly, monthly or however often I wanted. I would NOT expect any of the younger generation to do any of those things. It wouldn't be practical anyway as most of our near relatives are anything but 'near' in terms of distance.

He seems to be upset about the idea of the son doing it, prefers the DIL to do it, if she would agree to. The fact that she's already busy with job, children etc does not weigh with him in terms of priorities.

Neither can I. I think my m-i-l thought I did not respect her because I did not wait on her hand and foot.

[Deleted User]

dark_lady wrote: »

It is more to do with the sexism aspect than anything else because if it was down to him not liking spending money then he wouldnt be spending money on a Sky TV package!
He knows damn well he is being sexist and is using the money excuse as a smokescreen.

Maybe. But he genuinely does not like spending money. Not defending him cos I think hes bang out of order....

The way he looks at (I think) is :-

Sky TV - expensive but I get something out of it. i.e. I get enjoyment out of it. So he talks himself (literally) into saying why not splash out.

Washing Machine - dont want to do it myself, its too hard. £200 is a lot of money. What do I get out of it - nothing! Therefore, whats the point in spending money.

House - its OK it'll last. Carpets are dirty, walls need painting, kitchen units are broken, wardrobe is broken - but I DONT CARE.

Hes always been like this to a certain extent. If he can avoid spending money on something for the house he will. Its a constant battle to get him to spend to make himself comfortable.

Since he moved in all those years ago, I remember how it was all fitted out.

Carpet - done by friend of family- cheapest carpet known to man.

Bed - Deceased relatives old one which was well battered. (He has now bought a new one).

Bedroom furniture - his mothers pre-war falling apart stuff - still there.

Living room furniture - used to be some odd stuff from some friend who'd died. Now hes got my old 3 piece suite.

His attitude - why spend money unless you have to! Unfortunately, comfort for himself doesnt come into 'have to'

As you can see I'm still mega wound up by him!

Maz

Unless your Dad has a radical change in his mindset,this is going to an ongoing problem for you. What are the chances of that happening? Pretty remote from what you say.

Might be time to throw the towel in on this one and stop stressing about it. Let him go to his mate's house and do it there. Maybe then he'll see for himself how simple it is and have a rethink.

You've offered him every possible solution and he's discounted every one of them. Don't see what else you can do!

[Deleted User]

Maz wrote: »

Unless your Dad has a radical change in his mindset,this is going to an ongoing problem for you. What are the chances of that happening? Pretty remote from what you say.

Might be time to throw the towel in on this one and stop stressing about it. Let him go to his mate's house and do it there. Maybe then he'll see for himself how simple it is and have a rethink.

You've offered him every possible solution and he's discounted every one of them. Don't see what else you can do!

I would do but I feel hes going to constantly put me on the spot and ask me to do it for him. (Or should I say ask me to ask my wife!)

Maz

[quote=[Deleted User];48218963]I would do but I feel hes going to constantly put me on the spot and ask me to do it for him. (Or should I say ask me to ask my wife!)[/QUOTE]

But you have explained to him that your wife works full time, you have kids and she hasn't got the time/energy, plus you live 40 miles away and she has said No anyway, haven't you?

Seriously, if your Dad can't or won't comprehend that what he's asking of you and your wife is selfish and unreasonable, you're on a losing wicket.

seafarers_wife

i would be tempted to have your dad go out for a day or two if you can manage it - perhaps stay overnight with your brother?

then i would get a skip and gut the house and put the washing machine in and get the profesional cleaners in to give it a good going over and if he didnt like it at the end of the day then tough luck as its already been done. I would defo go with a combined washer dryer even though they are more expensive as it would be less hassle for your dad if he ever went to use it, and if its there why wouldnt he use it?

it will make your life easier, it will make your wifes life easier and it will make your brothers and his girlfriends lives easier as well. I would be blunt with your dad and just tell him once its been done that it was putting you and your family off visiting as the place was that disgusting when there is no need for it to be.

Kay_Peel

Now, this is a man who brought up two? boys single-handedly, has been generous to them and has coped through all sorts of difficulties - and lived to see them successful, with their own families. He's only asking you to do this one little thing, he says, and he's given you so much over the years that you oughten to refuse him. He won't take your money or your offers to buy him things - he just wants your wife to take his washing away and return it all clean and fresh.

Any decent grown up man would know that laundry is something you should do for yourself, but he's a big dependent baby when it comes to washing clothes - or so he says.

You could try the brutal approach but from the sounds of it, you are far too loving, sensitive and compassionate to hurt his feelings. What the heck, I'll say it anyway.....

I would tell him how saddened and low I felt as I crossed the threshold to see the neglect and lack of self-respect around a man that I looked up to. You are worried that, by taking on this chore, you will help him to go further and further downhill, not caring about his surroundings or looking after himself. And that's why you have to refuse him.

Smarten up and respect yourself, Dad, I'd say.

I think he's very lucky to have such caring sons. You can see clearly to the root of his problem and recognise that by taking in his washing you are only going to make him worse. Stick to your guns and don't feel guilty: it's for his own good, in the long term.

neverdespairgirl

seafarers_wife wrote: »

i would be tempted to have your dad go out for a day or two if you can manage it - perhaps stay overnight with your brother?

then i would get a skip and gut the house and put the washing machine in and get the profesional cleaners in to give it a good going over and if he didnt like it at the end of the day then tough luck as its already been done.

Actually, I think this would be bang out of order. He's an adult man, and entitled to have smelly clothes if he wants them.

To do this would be enraging for anyone.