Elderley Dad - wont spend money

margaretclare

dark_lady wrote: »

I am grateful to women like you for another reason too. My mum is Italian and was brought up in a culture where men come first. I too have been fighting sexism all my life.
When i started seeing a boyfriend when i was 18 i had been dating him for a WEEK yes just one week when she said to him to bring his dirty washing round and we would do it for him. Thankfully he declined. After he left i told her straight that if he took up the request she would be doing said washing not me.
He treated me with less respect after that and then the relationship ended.
There were other instances like when we were watching tv shows or soaps when a man would hit a woman she would say "Well he wouldnt have hit her if she had done what she asked or changed out of that short skirt/top etc.
I knew then that right from the get go i had to be extremely careful about who i dated because God forbid if i had ended up with an emotionally abusive or controlling man i have no doubt that they would have ended up colluding.
My mum also mollycoddles my brother. In 1993 when i was 20 and he was 18 he didnt attend our godfathers funeral. He stayed at my parents house with my mum. Me my DH and my dad went to the funeral.
Funerals are too upsetting for DB apparently.
Cut to 2011 and my parents have started discussing their wills and funerals.
Mum said she doesnt want to discuss it with DB cos he finds it too upsetting. I was also surprised when my dad said the same.
As if to prove it my mum brought the subject up in front of my bro and then my 36 year old brother said "You know i dont like to talk about that and walked out of the room.
The only reason he is like this now is because she has ENABLED it in the past.
My DH told my mum a couple of months ago that my DB needs to grow a pair. He put it more nicely than that but that was the gist.
In my experience my mums culture is a sexist,woman blaming one and it was fight fight fight for my rights growing up but it has made me a strong person.
My mums excuse for mollycoddling bro from subjects like death but feeling able to talk to me about it?
She says. "oh you are much harder than him.
Then i have to bite my lip otherwise i would then say. "yes because ive had to be!

Thank you for the kind words. However, a warning: I recall some words from the American feminist Betty Friedan from way back: 'The pendulum could swing as it has done so many times in the past'. In other words, once we thought we'd won these battles the feeling of the times changed and we were back where we started from.

I've been called a racist before now, but what really does concern me is the influx of people from other cultures, societies where women have not even achieved any of the rights that we take for granted, not even started. Forced marriages, forced pregnancies, honour killings - need I go on? What you mention about 'women wouldn't be hit if they didn't wear short skirts/tops'. You could extend that to 'women are tarts if they don't cover their faces, if they wear short sleeves...' I have heard all these things said. The worst thing is then 'women are fair game...'

But that doesn't get Paul any nearer to solving his problem. I think when sexism is ingrained so deeply and has lasted so long then his Dad will simply not change. Not because of his age - we can all change if we want to - but because he sees no reason to, and as Mojisola wrote, he has been enabled over many years to be like this and he probably thinks, leave it long enough and I'll wear them down. Of course his daughter-in-law will do it, nag nag nag, get Paul on his side, let it go on and on and they'll give in eventually.

eamon

Much as I'd like to believe that the older gent of this thread can be cured of his clothes washing/cleaning phobia. It's not going to happen in this lifetime. Its not how he was raised and all our lecturing doesn't help. All the OP can reasonably do imho is monitor the situation and be prepared to intervene when you think that the time is right and its needed and justified. For want of a better phrase its called taking control. Consider other housing options such as supported living etc. Use this time to research the available options and there are many. You probably won't get thanked but neither will you get thanked if you don't do anything.
Sadly this story reminds me of two elderly uncles that between the two of them their only domestic skill was in boiling a kettle.

dark_lady

margaretclare wrote: »

Thank you for the kind words. However, a warning: I recall some words from the American feminist Betty Friedan from way back: 'The pendulum could swing as it has done so many times in the past'. In other words, once we thought we'd won these battles the feeling of the times changed and we were back where we started from.

I've been called a racist before now, but what really does concern me is the influx of people from other cultures, societies where women have not even achieved any of the rights that we take for granted, not even started. Forced marriages, forced pregnancies, honour killings - need I go on? What you mention about 'women wouldn't be hit if they didn't wear short skirts/tops'. You could extend that to 'women are tarts if they don't cover their faces, if they wear short sleeves...' I have heard all these things said. The worst thing is then 'women are fair game...'

But that doesn't get Paul any nearer to solving his problem. I think when sexism is ingrained so deeply and has lasted so long then his Dad will simply not change. Not because of his age - we can all change if we want to - but because he sees no reason to, and as Mojisola wrote, he has been enabled over many years to be like this and he probably thinks, leave it long enough and I'll wear them down. Of course his daughter-in-law will do it, nag nag nag, get Paul on his side, let it go on and on and they'll give in eventually.

You are not being racist at all and the only reason people play the racism card when these subjects are brought up is because it trumps the sexism one and deflects attention away from the fact that some women in some cultures are treated like second class citezens,simply for not having a willy.

[Deleted User]

Maz wrote: »

Do you know what, your Dad seems only interested in a solution to this if a) it doesn't involve covering the very real costs of doing laundry and b) he doesn't have to make any effort whatsoever.

Instead of YOU trying to find an answer to your Dad's problem, try asking him what HE'S going to do about it.

tbh honest, I would have lost patience long since.

Yeh. You're right of course. But its hard to treat a parent like this even if they do deserve it.

[Deleted User]

margaretclare wrote: »

Thank you for the kind words. However, a warning: I recall some words from the American feminist Betty Friedan from way back: 'The pendulum could swing as it has done so many times in the past'. In other words, once we thought we'd won these battles the feeling of the times changed and we were back where we started from.

I've been called a racist before now, but what really does concern me is the influx of people from other cultures, societies where women have not even achieved any of the rights that we take for granted, not even started. Forced marriages, forced pregnancies, honour killings - need I go on? What you mention about 'women wouldn't be hit if they didn't wear short skirts/tops'. You could extend that to 'women are tarts if they don't cover their faces, if they wear short sleeves...' I have heard all these things said. The worst thing is then 'women are fair game...'

But that doesn't get Paul any nearer to solving his problem. I think when sexism is ingrained so deeply and has lasted so long then his Dad will simply not change. Not because of his age - we can all change if we want to - but because he sees no reason to, and as Mojisola wrote, he has been enabled over many years to be like this and he probably thinks, leave it long enough and I'll wear them down. Of course his daughter-in-law will do it, nag nag nag, get Paul on his side, let it go on and on and they'll give in eventually.

Your right. The sad thing is he doesnt even realise how much grief his selfish attitude is causing me.

[Deleted User]

eamon wrote: »

Much as I'd like to believe that the older gent of this thread can be cured of his clothes washing/cleaning phobia. It's not going to happen in this lifetime. Its not how he was raised and all our lecturing doesn't help. All the OP can reasonably do imho is monitor the situation and be prepared to intervene when you think that the time is right and its needed and justified. For want of a better phrase its called taking control. Consider other housing options such as supported living etc. Use this time to research the available options and there are many. You probably won't get thanked but neither will you get thanked if you don't do anything.
Sadly this story reminds me of two elderly uncles that between the two of them their only domestic skill was in boiling a kettle.

Unfortunately, I think you're right. It annoys me so much because theres just no need for it - all he has to do is flippin well listen to someone else whos trying to help him.

I remember when his mother died (my nan) - she was a complete nightmare (for other reasons) before she went. My dad always said he was never going to be like that. if only he could see himself now....

Maz

[quote=[Deleted User];48147315]
I remember when his mother died (my nan) - she was a complete nightmare (for other reasons) before she went. My dad always said he was never going to be like that. if only he could see himself now....[/QUOTE]


Maybe you might like to point out how he's morphing into his Ma, see what reaction you get!

dark_lady

[quote=[Deleted User];48147315]Unfortunately, I think you're right. It annoys me so much because theres just no need for it - all he has to do is flippin well listen to someone else whos trying to help him.

I remember when his mother died (my nan) - she was a complete nightmare (for other reasons) before she went. My dad always said he was never going to be like that. if only he could see himself now....[/QUOTE]

Hopefully Paul your dad will see that he is not being fair. He has been unfair to his sister. To be immensely proud of buying her a box of choccies for xmas after she spent all that time trekking back and forth with his washing,thats a massive !!!! take and if i was her daughter i would have been absolutely furious with him.

I think Margaret Clare is bang on the money. his plan is to nag and nag and nag until his DIL (your wife) gives in.
Its bordering on bullying to be honest and its definately emotional blackmail.

margaretclare

dark_lady wrote: »

You are not being racist at all and the only reason people play the racism card when these subjects are brought up is because it trumps the sexism one and deflects attention away from the fact that some women in some cultures are treated like second class citizens,simply for not having a willy.

We've just got back from a day trip to northern France, left very early this morning and had a lovely day together. Before I hit my sack I must just tell you this. On the P&O ferry 'Pride of Britain' from Dover to Calais there was a family, mum, dad and 3 kids. Dad had a long black beard, does that tell you where we're going? Little boy was dressed just like any other little boy, no different. 2 little girls, maybe 10 and 12, no older. Both wearing black veils and long black robes, only their sweet little faces showing. And they're kids - got bored with the 90 minute crossing, boring for kids, sure to be, all the other kids ran around, they wanted to run around too. I thought they looked like novice nuns, well, like novice nuns used to be. I smiled at them and for a while we were pulling faces at each other, the way kids do. Dad noticed. He shepherded them away. And then there's this headline: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2056069/Asian-bride-Naila-Afsar-held-prisoner-family-secret-marriage.html

Sorry, Paul, a digression. DH and I were talking about your problem. He thinks just getting a washing-machine wouldn't help but he suggests a washer-drier and get it plumbed in. Reason: even when washing done you've still got to get it dried. I like drying my washing on the line in the garden, but for someone who's never done it that would be useless. A washer-drier would cost a bit more with installing, but it would be well worth it. If only you could get Dad to see that! It annoys me so much if I hear 'older people can't change/can't learn'. Yes we CAN, but it takes that famous lightbulb moment, a flash of light in the brain, a Eureka moment. Otherwise, no dice.

I am off bed-wards. Had a very enjoyable day but been up too long.

[Deleted User]

dark_lady wrote: »

Hopefully Paul your dad will see that he is not being fair. He has been unfair to his sister. To be immensely proud of buying her a box of choccies for xmas after she spent all that time trekking back and forth with his washing,thats a massive !!!! take and if i was her daughter i would have been absolutely furious with him.

I think Margaret Clare is bang on the money. his plan is to nag and nag and nag until his DIL (your wife) gives in.
Its bordering on bullying to be honest and its definately emotional blackmail.

I fear that he wont realise. Like I said, he let his sister do this for about 15 years. But it was her fault as well - I even tried to speak to her about it and she reacted the same as him!