Elderley Dad - wont spend money

blue_monkey_2

paul, is there room in the bathroom instead of the kitchen? Or an outhouse?

Tish_P

I've often wondered why they teach cooking, but not cleaning, at schools. If anything, it's easier to get by without cooking than without cleaning. And cooking is easier to teach yourself, there are more resources to help you.

Even if you do end up doing his washing, you'll want to do it at his house so I think you'll have to bite the bullet and have one installed there wherever you can make it fit. Freecycle sounds a really good idea - he might be pleased enough at getting a perfectly serviceable machine for nothing that he relaxes his stubborn tendencies. Good luck, sounds like you'll need it!

[Deleted User]

blue_monkey wrote: »

paul, is there room in the bathroom instead of the kitchen? Or an outhouse?

Not really. Its a maisonette/flat and the kitchen is really small. Badly designed with no space for washing machine.

Icey77

I realise it's not the nicest thing to do but have you tried the guilt trip and telling him bluntly that he has been and is being very selfish?

Perhaps the realisation that he has been so selfish and people don't like it could bring about a small change of heart that will lead to a better situation?

dark_lady

[quote=[Deleted User];48120303]Its just that his attitude seems to be, if I he asks me to do it and I say no that I'm being mean to him. and he gets upset.[/QUOTE]

Of course he does. Its called emotional blackmail.

[Deleted User]

Icey77 wrote: »

I realise it's not the nicest thing to do but have you tried the guilt trip and telling him bluntly that he has been and is being very selfish?

Perhaps the realisation that he has been so selfish and people don't like it could bring about a small change of heart that will lead to a better situation?

Hmmm. Yeh I guess thats on option... :-(

I just feel guilty though because he thinks I'm just not doing it because I cant be bothered and he just doesnt seem to see that I'm trying to help him make things easier ultimately....

dark_lady

margaretclare wrote: »

Thank you for the kind words. Yes, we did it not only for ourselves but for our daughters and granddaughters. There were so many anomalies in those times. I wanted to rent a TV set from a rental firm but they wouldn't allow - it had to be my husband's signature. The years when the tax office wrote to my husband about my tax affairs - there was a loophole in the Married Women's Property Acts which allowed a woman's earned income to be treated as her husband's for tax purposes. That didn't end until April 1990 and I was very much involved in that particular campaign. Teaching domestic subjects to boys and woodwork/metalwork/technical drawing to girls - yes, I was involved in that too, as was my late younger daughter who refused to do needlework because she wanted to do metalwork. The campaign to have Child Benefit paid for the first child as well as for subsequent ones, and to have it paid to the mother and not to the father through his tax allowance. I was in all of those!

I am well aware that it was and is patchy. There are still people, even today, who appear to be living in an earlier century. I worked with a lot of women during my nursing/midwifery career over many years and I heard about what they had to do when they got home after/before work. Some accepted it as the norm, others were not happy about it but couldn't see a way out. My mother, God bless her, who'd been an unmarried mum in the days when it really wasn't the thing to be, would have walked barefoot over hot coals for any man who'd put a gold ring on her finger and given her his name. She'd have done absolutely anything. She couldn't understand, and nor could anyone else, why I walked out on my first marriage within weeks. Couldn't stand living with his parents in a little bungalow and being expected to skivvy after them. We did get back together when I was in my second year as a student nurse, but only when I'd laid down conditions. He thought I might give it all up then - no chance, I'd worked too darned hard and endured too much as 'queen of the sluice' (very junior student).

I am grateful to women like you for another reason too. My mum is Italian and was brought up in a culture where men come first. I too have been fighting sexism all my life.
When i started seeing a boyfriend when i was 18 i had been dating him for a WEEK yes just one week when she said to him to bring his dirty washing round and we would do it for him. Thankfully he declined. After he left i told her straight that if he took up the request she would be doing said washing not me.
He treated me with less respect after that and then the relationship ended.
There were other instances like when we were watching tv shows or soaps when a man would hit a woman she would say "Well he wouldnt have hit her if she had done what she asked or changed out of that short skirt/top etc.
I knew then that right from the get go i had to be extremely careful about who i dated because God forbid if i had ended up with an emotionally abusive or controlling man i have no doubt that they would have ended up colluding.
My mum also mollycoddles my brother. In 1993 when i was 20 and he was 18 he didnt attend our godfathers funeral. He stayed at my parents house with my mum. Me my DH and my dad went to the funeral.
Funerals are too upsetting for DB apparently.
Cut to 2011 and my parents have started discussing their wills and funerals.
Mum said she doesnt want to discuss it with DB cos he finds it too upsetting. I was also surprised when my dad said the same.
As if to prove it my mum brought the subject up in front of my bro and then my 36 year old brother said "You know i dont like to talk about that and walked out of the room.
The only reason he is like this now is because she has ENABLED it in the past.
My DH told my mum a couple of months ago that my DB needs to grow a pair. He put it more nicely than that but that was the gist.
In my experience my mums culture is a sexist,woman blaming one and it was fight fight fight for my rights growing up but it has made me a strong person.
My mums excuse for mollycoddling bro from subjects like death but feeling able to talk to me about it?
She says. "oh you are much harder than him.
Then i have to bite my lip otherwise i would then say. "yes because ive had to be!

neverdespairgirl

[quote=[Deleted User];48126129]

Mans work/womans work idea is bollox.
[/QUOTE]


Bollox are men's work.

Breastfeeding, childbirth - they are women's work.

[Deleted User]

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Bollox are men's work.

Breastfeeding, childbirth - they are women's work.

Ha ha - spot on!

My Mrs always complains that its not fair that shes the one that has the babies. I do try to explain I'd help out if I could!!!! LOL

Maz

Do you know what, your Dad seems only interested in a solution to this if a) it doesn't involve covering the very real costs of doing laundry and b) he doesn't have to make any effort whatsoever.

Instead of YOU trying to find an answer to your Dad's problem, try asking him what HE'S going to do about it.

tbh honest, I would have lost patience long since.