What can I do - husband expects me to pay for everything

conradmum

poorlittlefish wrote: »

Yes, we did have a pre-nup signed and witnessed and he says he's agreeable to a post-nup if I want one. As we've been married less than a year then, from RAS has suggested, hopefully he has a year to buck his ideas up or I file for divorce.

He is and was legally entitled to live here. He was also working legally, on a self-employed basis. However, the company he was doing work for went under and he got offered a job as a proper employee, then was told they couldn't employ him without a "blue card". As we'd already been together for 3 years and I wasn't considering leaving him, that's why I ended up agreeing to marry him, so he could get the job and keep earning. Back then we weren't thinking of moving, so as we'd had the pre-nup, I naively thought I'd be OK.

This sounds really strange to me. Can I ask what area of employment this is? Even police officers don't have to be British citizens. Did you see this or hear this information from anyone other than your husband?

poorlittlefish

Romanians and Bulgarians don't yet have the same unrestricted employment rights that people from other EU states have. They can only work here on a self-employed basis, or be students... there are a few different things. He was working self-employed in construction but then the recession hit and that's when things went belly-up. He went for a job as a security guard and they said he would have to be an employee, that they couldn't have him on a self-employed basis. That's when he realised that his "yellow card" wasn't sufficient and only a "blue card" would allow him to work as a proper employee. I did read up on it at the time and confirmed it was the case.

VestanPance

conradmum wrote: »

This sounds really strange to me. Can I ask what area of employment this is? Even police officers don't have to be British citizens. Did you see this or hear this information from anyone other than your husband?

Romania is an EU member state, but along with Bulgaria people from those nations need permission to work in the UK. They are recent-ish member states and don't have the same freedom of movement to work that the existing EU members have in the UK.

EDIT: Too slow.

plumtreebabe

We have everything paid into one account, which the bills and everything else gets paid out of. Both us have our own separate spending-on-me accounts which receive an equal amount every month. We have a set amount which is overpaying the mortgage, and accounts for holidays and car expenses, which also receive monthly amounts. The spending-on-me accounts then save any arguments or disagreements as to what the other is spending it on, as it is budgeted for and outside overpaying the mortgage and saving for a holiday.

Maz

Ooooooh, a lot of your story is very familiar to me!

My daughter also married a Romanian and his attitudes to marital finance were pretty much the same as the OPs husband! Maybe it is a cultural thing?

They too bought a house and while my poor daughter struggled to make ends meet, he would merrily splash out on laptops, cars, gadgetry etc etc. All on his credit cards, with a loan for car purchase. Of course, he couldn't possibly have a bog standard car, it had to be big, flash and expensive and cost a fortune to run and service. He insisted on having everything new for the house, which, of course either went on credit cards or he extended the loan. Madness!

There were other issues and my daughter left him about 5/6 years ago. She moved back in with me, divorced and she is only just now seeing the end of paying off her half of the marital debt, the vast majority of which was run up by him.

Beware lass, look after yourself.

onlyroz

VestanPance wrote: »

Account 1: You both pay wages into this. All monthly bills come from this account (make a note of what all bills total at).
Account 2: An amount each month transfered over from account 1 to be used as saving. This could fluctuate depending on his earnings. This fund could be used for emergency repairs such as a boiler.
Account 3 & 4: On what is left over in account 1 after bills and savings have been deducted is split equally and transferred to an account for each person. This allows you both to have an equal amount of free spend to use as you wish without it impacting on bills or savings.

We do the reverse of this:

Accounts 1 & 2: Personal accounts into which each of our wages go
Account 3: Joint account into which we each pay a proportion of our wages, from which all joint bills come out of
Account 4: Joint savings account into which any surplus from account 3 goes into at the end of the month

margaretclare

poorlittlefish wrote: »

He pushed me into marrying him at the start of this year because of employment restrictions making it difficult for him to get a different job (he's Romanian). I said I didn't want to get married time and time again but he was in a desperate situation, I felt sorry for him and I reluctantly agreed on the proviso we have a pre-nuptial agreement (we had been together for 3 years before getting married). I didn't intend to break up with him, but no way did I want to get married. I did it to keep him happy rather than me. Stupid, stupid me.

I've told him not to bother paying me any of the costs of the move. He's agreed to a standing order being paid into a joint "pot" to cover unexpected costs that affect us both so I'll have to see how it goes.

Ah. Now we get down to the crux of the problem. He had his reasons for getting married, you didn't want to get married. He played on your sympathies, you felt sorry for him.

This is a totally different scenario from those that most of us have experienced. Yes, DH and I used the words 'all that I am I give you, all that I have I share with you'. He was quite resistant to the idea of having a joint account because of bad experiences in a previous marriage. I think that even if you did have a joint account, as many posters have suggested, you'd find yourself in the same situation i.e. he'd be likely to do what DH's ex did: take the view that it was *all* available money for her without adding anything to it herself.

I think your only option is going to be: get yourself out of this unwanted marriage as quickly and as cheaply as you can. Even so, as your husband he has certain rights, and it won't be all that cheap, but probably cheaper than if you let it drag on and on. Certainly do not buy another house with him or agree to move! Stop it right now, do not agree to any more expense that he wants and you don't.

I'm from another generation and this might sound surprising coming from me. I believe in marriage, but marriage for the right reasons - marriage for love, because you both want it, not because one has an 'axe to grind' and the other is unwilling and gives in to emotional blackmail.

Padstow

neneromanova wrote: »

Can I just say that Pre Nups mean squat nowadays.

Landmark ruling last year means they are enforceable.

Padstow

RAS wrote: »

Yes, if you divorce within two years, the courts will put you both back in the same financial position as you were in prior to marriage.

Leave it any later and the courts assume that the starting point is 50 percent of the assets of the marriage (that includes all property owned by either party irrespective of who owns it on paper and when it was purchased) to each party. If you are the higher earner by a long way, he might get more than 50 percent.

Who signed the exchange?

And can you talk to your solicitor to check the situation before you complete, please.

RAS, I don't know where you are getting this 2 year rule from. It's at a court's discretion. Also a court will add on the 3 years co-habiting once they married.
I couldn't agree more though, that the OP needs to consult a sol, before moving. In fact, I'd cut my losses and stay put.

Hell, just seen that you have exchanged contracts. Solicitor Monday!!!

Judith_W

I don't really understand how you have managed to get yourself into the situation where he does not contribute toward 'unexpected' costs. As others have said you just have to increase the money he pays you, so it doesn't just include regular costs but also a contingency. All houses have irregular costs rather than 'unexpected' costs (you may not know what they are going to be but you know something will turn up).