What can I do - husband expects me to pay for everything

poorlittlefish

I'm at my wits' end with my husband. All the bills are in my name because he came to live with me before we got married. My salary is higher than my husband's, but some months he takes home nearly as much as me. We don't split the bills 50/50; instead I calculate how much everything has cost and apportion the bills in line with how much we've each earned. In other words, I pay a higher proportion of the bills because I earn more. I also save up and make overpayments on the mortgage to reduce the monthly repayments.

In the four years I've known my husband he's been in full-time employment almost the whole time, yet he's never put any money aside as savings. This is despite me suggesting it to him numerous times and him being aware that I try to save money every month. He always seems to have money to pay for things that solely benefit him (new shoes, laptops, mobile phones), but not when it comes to any kind of essential household expense or something that is for the pair of us.

Over the past few months the house has been up for sale and we will be moving to the new place next month. I appreciate that the house has always been mine, but I don't see why this should mean I fork out for everything associated with moving. Although my husband wanted to move, it's been me who's had to pay all the fees upfront and in total, I've had to fork out nearly £9,000. This is on top of the £1,500 I had to pay when our boiler packed up earlier in the year.

My husband's attitude, with anything that I pay, is that he will pay me back, but all that happens is that, rather than pay for myself when we go out for a meal, he pays and I just take the cost of what I've had off of what he owes me - in other words, I get the equivalent of a fiver here, a tenner there.

He thinks it's acceptable for me to always foot the bills upfront and that I am unreasonable for wanting him to pay me back in anything other than dribs and drabs. He never offers to help me with upfront costs, never offers any payment and never gives me any lump sum towards what I've paid out for the both of us unless I kick up a stink. He just says that I'll get the money and that it's silly to argue over it.

He leaves me in tears because he just cannot appreciate why I am angry about having to pay for everything myself and why being given, say, £200 towards what I've spent would be more useful to me than £10 being taken off here and there. Worse, he cannot understand why I get so angry that he says he can't afford to contribute or pay me back, yet he goes out and buys £400 laptops and £250 mobile phones (when he already had a laptop and phone that worked perfectly well).

I paid the £1,500 for the boiler back in April and all I've seen from him is £200 - and that was only because I got so upset that he was giving money to other people and buying himself expensive things (yet I only ever buy clothes from Tesco and he had the cheek to complain about me buying a £10 book).

Is it really reasonable that I should have saved up and paid out over £10,500 while he's contributed only £200 in 6 months - and only under protest? What would you advise me to do?

Sambucus_Nigra

Why haven't you got a central account for everything 'house' and 'food' and 'bill' related that you both put into each month?

poorlittlefish

No, because one month he can earn £100 less than me, another month it might be £500 so that's why everything is apportioned fairly. He has a standing order set up for a basic amount and then he pays me whatever else is needed for that month. It's not the monthly bills that concern me so much because we both contribute to those. It's the unexpected or large upfront costs that I have to fork out for that are the main problem. His attitude seems to be "I don't have to worry about any of that grown-up stuff because she'll pay it all".

newcook

stop paying for stuff and start learning to say no! Im a little suprised that you are buying a house with someone who upsets you so much, contributes very little and calls you unreasonable for wanting him to contribute!

scheming_gypsy

poorlittlefish wrote: »

Over the past few months the house has been up for sale and we will be moving to the new place next month. I appreciate that the house has always been mine, but I don't see why this should mean I fork out for everything associated with moving. Although my husband wanted to move, it's been me who's had to pay all the fees upfront and in total, I've had to fork out nearly £9,000. This is on top of the £1,500 I had to pay when our boiler packed up earlier in the year.

match his attitude. Any money from the sale of the house is yours and not his, so ask him where his half of the purchase price / deposit is coming from.

Regardless of that, bills should be split by who uses them and not by who earns the most. Joint account for the bills and you both pay in the same amount. Just because you earn more than him it doesn't mean you use more electricity.

chesky369

This isn't a financial problem - it's a relationship issue. I'd issue him with an ultimatum and if he didn't get his act together, I'd dump him (but that's just me).

Sambucus_Nigra

poorlittlefish wrote: »

No, because one month he can earn £100 less than me, another month it might be £500 so that's why everything is apportioned fairly. He has a standing order set up for a basic amount and then he pays me whatever else is needed for that month. It's not the monthly bills that concern me so much because we both contribute to those. It's the unexpected or large upfront costs that I have to fork out for that are the main problem. His attitude seems to be "I don't have to worry about any of that grown-up stuff because she'll pay it all".

In that case, when you have unexpected or large upfront costs, you need to say 'it's going to be 3k so give me a cheque for your half or we can't do/buy/get it'.

Cyril

I think you have to question this relationship to be honest and the money issue is a symptom of it.

Your husband knows he is paying an unfair share of bills, he is not contributing to your longer term financial security ie. over payments on the mortgage, sees you are upset over the whole issue and does nothing to help resolve it. I don't think he brought anything financial into the relationship ie it was your house he moved into.

My concern, cynically, is that he is gonna milk everything he can and do a runner claiming half of it. Are you sure he doesn't see you as a sugar mommy ?

Hard as it sounds its very rare to be with the same person for years these days and the fact of the above is worrying.

If I was you I'd be looking to protect you assets as he doesn't seem to be pulling together for the long haul.

pinkteapot

Have you ever discussed the possibility of having joint accounts instead of separate accounts?

My husband and I seem to be part of a dying breed - we have no current accounts in our own names - only a joint account. Both of our salaries are paid into this account and all bills etc are paid out of it. Spending and cash withdrawals also come out of it. We know that after bills, we have £x left over per month for spends/saving. We have that much between us so work together to make sure we don't go over it. There's no concept of "my money/your money" at all. It's our money. If one of us wants something expensive one month, it's ok so long as the other doesn't happen to at the same time!

All the bills are in my name simply because I'm the organised one who set up the accounts when we got our house. :rotfl: But the money just goes out of the joint account so there's no fiddling about with who's paying what.

Before we were married, hubby had moved into my place and gave me half the cost of the rent/bills each month. Any large bills we also split 50:50. I was insistent that once married we should have joint finances.

I agree with chesky369 - I simply couldn't put up with your husband's behaviour if it were me. Does he understand how much he is upsetting you?

*Louise*

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

In that case, when you have unexpected or large upfront costs, you need to say 'it's going to be 3k so give me a cheque for your half or we can't do/buy/get it'.

^Agree with this.


HE suggested you both move, but by the sounds of things you have made all the arrangements, sorted it all and paid the money. Why didn't you pause for a bit and ask for some money towards the costs a few weeks in rather than much later on?

I would suggest now that you up his contribution every month until you have got some of your share back. Then once things are on an even keel, keep it at that amount and put the extra into a joint savings account for future joint purchases.

Personally, I don't know why you put up with him, he doesn't sound like he cares much about your feelings.

jovichick123

It sounds like he is a little too comfortable knowing that you will pick up the tab whenever anything goes wrong. I agree with other comments, next time something 'big and unexpected' occurs, make it clear that no action will be taken unless he coughs up half the cash - he sounds like he needs a reality check.

Good luck