I don't like my mother!

choille

Maybe beat a slow retreat from your Mother.

If you have worries about her safety then you can contact social services.

Philip Larkin wrote a good poem.

I wonder if we spend a lot of time grieving a mother when they are still alive - by that I mean greiving a relationship that doesn't exist?

All the very best.

The neice situation is a tricky one & I'd tread wary as it is difficult to make others 'see' the worst in someone that is being 'good' to them.

happyhaddock_2

Yes I think we are yearning for a relationship that just never exsisted. Unfortunatley,the brief glimpses we get of her being 'normal' keep us hanging in there!

You are so right about my niece as well, I know from personal experience because she has always been 'good' to me whilst making my sister's life hell. She is very clever and good at it. I find it hard to believe that someone can be so devious and chooses to be like this. Am I just being too charitable or do you think it's just such an ingrained way of life for her that it's become part of her nature?.

Many thanks x

make_me_wise

You are being to charitable. There are no excuses for someone behaving the way your mother does.

Can I make an observation here and I really hope that it wont upset you. It is starkly obvious to me that you have been emotionally abused for years and years. You say you are the 'golden child' and suffered far less than your sister. Yet you are still left in this awful emotional state where you question how you treat someone who is quite frankly despicable.

What your mother has done to you is beyond comprehension. I am so sorry for all you have suffered and are still suffering. She may have treated you differently to your sister but she allowed you to watch your sister being treated cruelly. She let you see how this has destroyed someone you love. That is an horrific thing to do.

How old is your niece? To a certain degree I think you are going to have to let her see her 'grandmother' for what she is by herself. Does your niece have a good relationship with your sister? If her nan starts slagging off her mum is your niece gullible enough to take it in or will this be the quickest way to drive her away from the nasty old woman?

devildog

I could be here all day writing about my experiences but I will not Suffice to say I broke off all contact with mum, two years ago next week and the cloud has been lifted. Initially I had moments when I started to believe that it was me who really was the problem but after lots and lots of reading I saw things as they really were. You do sort of mourn the loss for things that you could never have but the ultimate 'freedom' is priceless.
I do wonder how I am going to feel when she dies and whether I will be plagued by quilt, but at this moment in time I have no intentions of attending any funeral because in my mind she has already gone.
Once you realise the issues going on, you have two options, either break all contact or limit contact on your terms and stay strong.

choille

I do think it is ingrained behaviour on her part & stems from her upbringing. There is a theory that's called the drama triangle & I think it applies quite a bit in dysfunctional family situations. It's all about the roles that we play & how we then 'move around' - dynamics of it - quite interesting.

It is as if we are groomed from a very early age to serve 'their' needs in some way. Often we are the ones parenting the parent - if that makes sense.

My Mother is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease & does not recognise me when I go to see her. She is truly loved by the nursing home staff who think she's a sweet ole lady & to them most of the time she is - to some I am obviously the bad daughter for not looking after her & only visit occasionally as it's a long way away from where I now live. It's a very long drive & it is not that pleasant & I guess I do it because I feel guilt - a little, but it's managable. I phone & ask how she is - again occasionally & that's it.

Beetlemama

choille wrote: »

Philip Larkin wrote a good poem.

lol I have the Oliver James book of the same title that has his poem in the first page:

(edited of course, for language)

Philip Larkin


They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

choille

Oliver James is so sensible & used to do a coloumn in the Family section of the Guardian. Maybe still does.

LadyMorticia

I don't think it makes you a bad person at all.

Some people, no matter if you're related by blood or whatever, are just not good to be around and why remain in contact with someone when they make you feel so horrible?

I know that sometimes it's not as clear cut as that, but my life has been so much better since I cut my dad out of it.

meritaten

happyhaddock wrote: »

Gosh thank you once again for all the replies, it is so helpful to read other peoples experiences.

Meritaten, please could I ask why you say not to visit mum together. It's just that mum has expressed her displeasure that my sister is only going to visit if I bring her. We thought it was because she would not be able to tell her tales to each of us if we were both present, is there another reason?

MWM, with regards to her hating my BIL believe me he's not the first. As my sister says in her post mum has ALWAYS had a problem with her boyfriends, again we think it's because it takes my sister away from mum's cluthches and gives her a chance of a different life. She even had the temerity to tell me my then boyfriend, now husband of 25 years, was no good for me and would never amount to anything!.

Oh my there's so many things that I could talk about, things that I've kept hidden for years but unfortunately seem to be boiling over at the moment!

yes you are right - it does deprive her of the opportunity to tell tall tales about each other behind your backs! I found that this put MIL in a worse mood - and she would then start re-writing history to whichever of the three SILs were there! she was so dammed convincing we would have to phone the absent SIL later to confirm that WE had it right! As there are only the two of you - she would take the opportunity to put one of you in a bad light IYKWIM and would put the knife in. I suggest visiting at different times so that she never has the opportunity to do this. Also, because if she senses that you sisters have become allies against her, then all hell will break loose and she will use the golden grandchild to do this!
Just be very careful and DONT seem too pally with sis!

I had to come back to explain a bit more. Your mum devoted years to making sure you and sis were estranged. So you would hate each other and therefore she could manipulate you and your sis more easily (in HER mind). If she suspects (and by what you say, I think she probably does) that you and sis now get on and - shock, horror have been comparing notes, then this threatens her, she will now turn her attention to 'golden grandchild' as this is a sure way to gain control over her and cause a rift between your sister and her daughter. Do you see the pattern here? DIVIDE AND CONQUER! she did it to you and sis - and is trying to do it to sis and grand-daughter. If YOU had kids Happy - then one of them would be a golden grandchild too - so she could hurt you.

happyhaddock_2

Oh thanks so much for the replies once again, To answer some of the questions:

MWM: My niece is 20 in Nov and has an excellent relationship with her mum. I do think that if mum was to try and put my sister down then she would stick up for her.

Meritaten: Mum is already annoyed that we have been visiting her together, and, as I said in an earlier post, has got my niece to go round this week on Mon and Tues and has promised to cook her a meal and has asked her to decorate her front room!. So I think she is already trying to manipulate my niece to a greater extent than before.

My sister rang mum today to see how she is as this is the longest she has gone without speaking to her. At first mum was moody with her so my sister said there was no point being funny because she would just hang up, she said mum started being 'nice' then. The thing is my sister thought she'd had quite an assertive conversation with her but since going over what mum had said to her has realised that mum was still being manipulative but in a 'kind' way. Mum said that she was really glad to see us back together, and she hoped that I didn't think she was going to call my sister to me ( surely a 'normal' person wouldn't think this way?) she also managed to get in that it was my sister's fault that she had been so upset, and that she wasn't mad at me only my sister, so there was nothing stopping me ringing her (I haven't by the way)

As I said my sister was actually thinking that mum had had time to realise how bad she's been, but now she's realised that nothing's changed. Do you think mum actually knows what she is doing, can someone be so manipulative?.

Thanks so much for the replies.