I don't like my mother!

RAS

Hugs HH and SG - lots of them.

MMW mentions the lonely sad end - one of mum's dear friends (heaven knows what they saw in her but they believed the crap) once warned her that she risked ending up being a bitter and twisted old woman no-one wanted to know. She bounced back that she was entitled to be bitter and twisted.

Once DS and I sorted things out between us, we were able to cope with her to some extent, at least to the point where we arranged for her to go in a decent care home and she was safe. I both remained deeply ambivalent about the whole thing but di what we could. By then though she was harmless.

One more thought for you because of the season. One of our biggest nightmares each year was the CXXXXXXXXXs word. Sometimes we did year and year about, at the point when she was OK for a couple of years we even made sure she saw both families briefly. At the worst, we both decided that we could not take any more and told her so.

I suggest that over the next week or two you and SG have a chat and decide what you want this year (and it might be to be together without her).

Ellidee

I can so empathise will all you poor people posting about their Mother's - most of it fits my Mum too. I haven't seen or spoken to her (or my Dad) for about three months now since I walked out of their house after she was spectacularly nasty to me ( again ). Not heard a peep from either of them since although my Dad did follow me out to the car and said 'Try not to take it to heart - she always has to be the centre of attention'. Have fallen out with her at least twice before - didn't speak for years and I was much happier without contact. It is only since this latest incident that I have learnt about this Narcissistic disorder and it has been like a light bulb coming on my head - she fits the 'symptoms' almost perfectly.

happyhaddock_2

Funny you should mention the 'C' word Ras. Mum came to ours for C dinner last year as it was the first one since dad's death, on her terms of course. I had to pick her up early and take her back early so the dog wouldn't be on his own, she wasn't out when it was dark!, she wasn't too tired oh and she doesn't drink lol (these are her standard excuses!). This year my DH said he would like to have dinner on our own as for a number of years now we have entertained family on C day and it's been a long time since we've been on our own. Mum hasn't mentioned C to me but has said to my sister 'I take it I'm not invited for dinner this year, because I haven't been asked!". The thing is I am going to do a family buffet on boxing dayand invite my sister, her husband, my neice, her boyfriend and mum, but mum will refuse to come for this as she hates my brother-in-law with a passion and won't be in the same room as him. What mum will do is put pressure on my sister to leave her husband at home so that she can come, that is why I'm not mentioning it until the last moment.

Elidee, you have my greatest sympathy. It's always hard to realise that the person who SHOULD love you unconditionally just doesn't. I know when I first read about narcissism it was a revelation, suddenly everything fell into place. What I can't get my head round is they all seem to follow the same pattern of goldenchild, scapegoat, them being the centre of the universe etc it's uncanny.

meritaten

It IS uncanny happy! but, forewarned is forearmed, and I am so please to see all the excellent advice you have been given!
YOU and your sister now have the knowledge that it WASNT your fault! you also know what to expect from her. hopefully we have given you ideas on coping with it!
you could try limiting contact and taking turns to visit - never visit together IME, that really winds them up! BUT, be prepared for phone calls telling YOU (both of you) what your 'nasty' sis said about you/her/goldengrandchild! all in your 'best interests' of course, if she is anything like MY MIL, she will then attempt to convince you that she did her best to 'smooth things over' - DONT believe a word! its all fabricated in order to play you off and for her to appear in a better light (I usually found that one or more of MILs cronies would be on hand to hear all this)!
I only had to put up with MIL - thankfully! but she spent years playing her four sons off against each other and was an expert! she didnt reckon on thier wives though! in the end she had to make the eldest DIL her 'golden DIL' and this was what got her unstuck! This DIL was cast from a similar mold! so MIL ended up dieing alone and in hospital - because of Golden Dil! instead of cared for and comfortable at home as the rest of us wanted.
if it wasnt so tragic I would have laughed!
you and your sis now have the tactical advantage - you know exactly what she is going to do and how she will react to matters - and you WONT let her drive a wedge between you again will you?
If you can - laugh about it (I used to with my other two SILs and it really helped - we became very close and it WAS easier to cope with her if I could ring one of SILs and say 'guess what SHE is saying now!)! its when you feel on your own and wondering if you could be going insane its hard! your sis can back you up and happy - certainly it should be you to tell your niece a little of narcissistic behaviour. and how it affects her gran. NOT her mother!

Ames

happyhaddock wrote: »

Well I am sat here stunned now, the last few posts have really hit home and you all seem to of been able to pinpoint exactly how we are feeling and what we have gone through, thank you.

To pick up on a couple of points:

Ames: That is so sad, and your situation does seem similar to ours. We do not know what happened in my mum's past as no-one ever talks about it. I wouldn't like to think of abuse but can't rule it out.

RAS: That is just what she has been doing to us all our lives. She uses our successes as hers, but is actually seething with jealousy that we have more than her or better than her, it's ridiculous. She has always put my sister down and told me all the bad things she's done, she also used to do this to my Dad when my sister was younger. She says she can remember sitting on the stairs when she was about 10 listening to mum telling a pack of lies about her to dad, making out that she was really bad. She used to go to bed crying
That is an excellent idea of your's as well, for me to gently tell my niece some of what has been going on, then there is no conflict of feelings for her mum. Thank you.

And MMW: If only I was brave enough to do as you suggest, I do think the time is approaching though when things will definately come to a head as neither of us can continue as we are. Thanks.

Snap! Again! I applied to Cambridge and she said she hoped I didn't get in. All through school whenever teachers talked about me going to uni, particularly Oxbridge, she'd get all upset. She didn't want me to be better than her. It wasn't an issue with sister because she didn't expect her to go to uni at all. As it happens, my health issues meant that I couldn't go to uni at all until next month when I started part time. Sister got her degree a couple of years ago - but mum didn't go to her graduation.

And when I was taking GCSE's she said she hoped I failed science so I wouldn't be able to go into engineering, but would have to study languages like she wanted me to. (I know, it's a contradiction - she didn't want me to go to uni, but if I had to it had to be what she wanted me to do).

make_me_wise

I find it interesting that your mum hates your sisters husband with a passion. Has it occured to anyone that this might be because he is capable of loving your sister, something her own mother never managed to do. She will never admit it of course, but at some level she probably envies his ability to be a decent person to her daughter, when she has never been. Someone loving your sister undermines your mums whole perception of her doesn't it.

Your mum has been abusive to you and those around you all your life. You come across on here as a nice balanced person, capable of being loving, you have your own happy family. Sadly you have been robbed of a mother showing you unconditional love, a huge loss. In the same way though it means you dont have to show her unconditional love. It will be a huge brave step for you but until you break free from her she will continue to make your life a misery. How many more years of your life are you going to allow her to do that to you?

I wish you a huge amount of strength and courage and whatever you decide I hope it will be the right decision for you.

margaretclare

Just a point or two about the dreaded 'C' word. Over the last few years there has been a lot written from people who were expected to do this, that and the other because parent/grandparent 'had to be picked up' and brought for a meal, then what to do with them afterwards, how to fit in all the different family members who expect to have their wishes accommodated for this particular day...if you search back you'll find that thousands of words have been written on this site on this topic alone. And miles and miles driven to fit all this in, just for that one day. 'I assume I'm not coming because I haven't been invited yet'. Well, what do you expect. It's still October, why worry about 2 months ahead? It's just one more occasion for creating mayhem, unnecessarily.

HH, it sounds a good solution, having a family buffet on Boxing Day rather than focusing everything on the 25th, that one day. I've always said that I can be polite and sociable on any occasion for the time it lasts, an hour or two maximum, no matter who is there. I deal with it by dressing smartly, pinning a smile on and being polite to everyone, not going into deep conversation or getting into arguments but keeping it all polite and light-hearted. I've dealt with a lot of difficult occasions in this manner. Your mum could do the same. It's not difficult. Do you think the Queen likes all the people she is forced to meet at different occasions? Anyone can do it, that's if they really want to.

DH and I do our own thing. Some years we've been away. We think this year we'll be at home, just the 2 of us. That's the way we like it.

RAS

happyhaddock wrote: »

RAS: That is just what she has been doing to us all our lives. She uses our successes as hers, but is actually seething with jealousy that we have more than her or better than her, it's ridiculous.

I was not going to respond but given the other posts. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. And this relates not only to successes.

I had a fairly debilitating skeletal problem. When this was finally diagnosed and I asked what the cause was (as suggested by DM), the consultant told me is was congenital.

Thinking this was safe I told DM. She immediately got really upset and angry "because you are saying it is all my fault!"

With regard to success, I eventually recognised that I repeatedly self-sabotaged by failing exams or just doing enough because I could not cope with it when she took away any shred of feeling I had about myself when I did well. I limited my career as well, because I wanted it for myself not for her.

I took a couple of decades to get over that and I still struggle with success or even basic praise.

ailuro2

I've not read all of this thread, so forgive me for jumping in here... just wanted to say I have not spoken to my mother for years now - when I look back I can't believe the garbage I took from her - it was only when I had my own child that I realised just how much you love them instinctively, that you'd lay down your life for them without even stopping to think. that's when I realised I'd be happier without her in my life - and not letting her tarnish my lovely child with her spiteful vitriol and pout downs. I do grieve for the happy little Granny knitting in the corner that I would have loved my DD to have, but on the whole I think I made the right decision - happy parents have turned her into a happy child - well teen really - as much as they can be happy when wrestling hormones

Best Wishes OP.

Ames

RAS, my mum was the same with illness. She always pretended to have something - I remember when I was about 14 she came into my room and said she was sorry she'd never see me grow up, because she had MS. Which she didn't have, the doctors had told her she didn't have it, but she said they were protecting her. In fact, when she got cancer, one of the first things my sister said to me was 'is it real?'. In fact, that was how I knew it was serious, she wasn't milking it like she always used to.

But that runs in the family - when she told her dad about the cancer he just went on about his (minor) ailments.