I don't like my mother!

happyhaddock_2

Thanks meritaten, what you say is so true but fortunately we are wise to her doing this now. I do actually have 3 kids but she has never got that close to them. I wouldn't let them be in a toxic environment and to be honest my mum wasn't bothered about making the effort to see them. Of course she wants to now but it's too late I fear. So thankfully she's never had the opportunity to make one of them the golden grandchild. I remember when I was pregnant with my first, I went shopping with my mum for outfits for the baby and all she wanted to do was buy clothes for my niece, I should of known what the future held for my kids then!.

meritaten

happyhaddock wrote: »

Oh thanks so much for the replies once again, To answer some of the questions:

MWM: My niece is 20 in Nov and has an excellent relationship with her mum. I do think that if mum was to try and put my sister down then she would stick up for her.

Meritaten: Mum is already annoyed that we have been visiting her together, and, as I said in an earlier post, has got my niece to go round this week on Mon and Tues and has promised to cook her a meal and has asked her to decorate her front room!. So I think she is already trying to manipulate my niece to a greater extent than before.

My sister rang mum today to see how she is as this is the longest she has gone without speaking to her. At first mum was moody with her so my sister said there was no point being funny because she would just hang up, she said mum started being 'nice' then. The thing is my sister thought she'd had quite an assertive conversation with her but since going over what mum had said to her has realised that mum was still being manipulative but in a 'kind' way. Mum said that she was really glad to see us back together, and she hoped that I didn't think she was going to call my sister to me ( surely a 'normal' person wouldn't think this way?) she also managed to get in that it was my sister's fault that she had been so upset, and that she wasn't mad at me only my sister, so there was nothing stopping me ringing her (I haven't by the way)

As I said my sister was actually thinking that mum had had time to realise how bad she's been, but now she's realised that nothing's changed. Do you think mum actually knows what she is doing, can someone be so manipulative?.

Thanks so much for the replies.

Yes, your mum knows exactly what she is doing - and as I suspected, she is not best pleased you and sis have repaired your relationship. Don't think for a moment that she will EVER repent! You and sisters version of your childhood and your mothers version will be totally different - your nan will play the victim for all she is worth!

for some reason I thought sis's daughter was a child - and you say she is 20! oh dear - old enough to be totally taken in by the 'poor nan' act - yet not so mature that she cannot be fooled by it!
I feel sorry for Scape Goat - I honestly dont know what to advise there. If she tries to limit contact its only going to confirm 'poor nans' version - yet if granddaughter has more contact she will just become more under your mums control.
I will have to think about this - but if anyone else can suggest a strategy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy - at this time both you and your sis MUST be singing from the same songsheet.

RAS

Happy

I would certainly suggest that SG starts to tape conversations with mum. That way if she starts to rant, she is on record for future use.

Any chance of getting to the golden child via BF?

Mojisola

RAS wrote: »

I wukld certainly suggest that SG starts to tape conversations with mum. That way if she starts to rant, she is on record for future use.

This is a great idea. There's nothing like being condemned by her own words.

happyhaddock_2

Hi thanks for the replies. I've just had a lovely weekend with my sister, she stayed over sat night so we could have a good talk. I think she realises that she may have to record the conversations. When were going back over what mum had said to her on the phone she realised that although she THOUGHT she was in charge of the conversation and was being assertive, mum actually completely disregarded her feelings, made her out to be the bad one and railroaded her again!.

My sis has actually gone to see mum on her own this afternoon so I'll see if anything happens.

Mojisola

Recording the conversations with your Mum may be useful if she starts to turn your niece against you both.

If Mum has said one thing to the niece but different things on the phone to you two, the niece's eyes will be opened to the manipulation and lies.

happyhaddock_2

That's a good idea mojisola, the main thing that made my sis ring mum again was the thought of what she was saying to my niece.

gigi123

happyhaddock wrote: »

That's a good idea mojisola, the main thing that made my sis ring mum again was the thought of what she was saying to my niece.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I do not see the point of taping the conversation, you might 'win' this one, but I'm sure as hell she will get you back, when your least expecting it, with added venom. She will never let it drop, and will always remember it.
My mum never forgave me for all of my wrong doings, and she didn't careless what my feelings were. She has just recently passed away and passed on her narcissism to my two sisters. Her hatred for me lives on in them.
Better just to cut ties, or try your hardest to pretend you don't notice what they are up to, that is what they crave is attention. X

choille

Have to agree with the above in many ways as to confront these types there will be so much fury if she is exposed.

Mojisola

gigi123 wrote: »

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I do not see the point of taping the conversation, you might 'win' this one, but I'm sure as hell she will get you back, when your least expecting it, with added venom. She will never let it drop, and will always remember it.
My mum never forgave me for all of my wrong doings, and she didn't careless what my feelings were. She has just recently passed away and passed on her narcissism to my two sisters. Her hatred for me lives on in them.
Better just to cut ties, or try your hardest to pretend you don't notice what they are up to, that is what they crave is attention. X

She doesn't ever need to know that she's been recorded. The two sisters can share anything they need to in order to reassure themselves that it is Mum who is manipulating them, and not each other who is "wrong". Whether the niece needs to hear them depends on how much she is taken in by the Grandmother.