I don't like my mother!

happyhaddock_2

I really don't think mum would respond with fury. It would be total denial, pity (for her), lots of crying and making us feel extremely guilty for feeling this way. Mum has always used the guilt card to keep us under control and when you've been conditioned for so long it is a very hard cycle to break

happyhaddock_2

Well I've done it!, just had a phone call from mum. She started calling my sister to me, saying that sis had been playing mind games, saying she would go round then making excuses not to go.

I told mum that I would not listen to any more of the bad things she had to say about my sister, that I KNEW my sis had been ill and that's why she hadn't been round. I said that I didn't want to hear it any more and put the phone down.

She then rang back about 5 times so I took the phone off the hook, and rang my sis to tell her what had happened. She rang mum and then rang me back saying mum was hysterical as she didn't know what she'd done wrong and would I ring her back.

I rang mum and told her that I will no longer listen to her putting my sis down, to which she said she NEVER called her and when has she said anything, I said it wouldn't matter if I told you because you wouldn't admit it. I said this is how it's going to be and me and sis will come to see you so that we can discuss it, to which she spat out "DON'T BOTHER" and hung up on me!.

I feel that it is a small step to setting a boundary with her, of course she is bewildered, angry, crying, feeling sorry for herself and trying to make us feel guilty, does anyone have any thought's.

We are also going to speak to my sis's nurse to get a professional opinion on the best way to handle and cope with mum. Her nurse and Dr are fully aware of what has gone on in my sister's history and have said on many occassions that this is where her mental problems stem from

Many thanks for reading

lollyb84

Well done you!

Kaye1

Well done!

To someone who has no contact with my 'mum' all I can say is this- it is a blessed relief!

Imagine when you don't have to put up with silly phonecalls, strops, dramas. Imagine when the phone goes and you don't worry about who it is. Imagine when you can have a drama free day- I would even be tempted to change my number!

Think about how much time and energy she takes up and be strong! Small steps- but you will never change her, you can only change how you react/deal with her.

I don't think about my mum from one month to the next and I live a peaceful life. I love it!

I wish you all the very best of luck.

carpedieme

:)Having read all through the thread with interest and having much personal experience I would say for the sake of your own an your sisters sanity CUT ALL TIES, beleive me, its the only way, best of luck

happyhaddock_2

Gosh, thanks so much for the support. I wish I could say I'm feeling guilty, but I'm not!. I told my sister that it's the first time I have ever stood up to her and actually pulled her up on what she was saying and boy she didn't like it. Her response was exactly as I'd predicted, hysterical crying, what have I done wrong?, followed by nastiness when she realised I wasn't going to relent.

I've said to sis not to worry about speaking to her as I'll take all the flack seeing as it's me who started it.

Thanks again, I'm so glad that no-one (yet lol) has judged me harshly x

Ames

Well done!

spirit

Hello HH,

well done for dealing with it so far.

I have had a similar experience. a potted history, i ran away from home aged 16 due to her kiddy-fiddling 2nd husband (not my dad). She didn't believe me and effectively chose him over me (and then later my younger sister).

Fast forward to 2003 (just before my (50th birthday) and i was moving house. for similar reasons to yours, i hadn't been on brilliant terms with my 2 sisters (I am the middle one). But we got talking around then and my sisters helped me move house. I had my very last conversation with my mother the night beforehand. she said she was pleased that we were all back together again (not). she said that I must have had something in common with my younger sister since she too was having problems at work and signed off sick with stress.

I put her right by saying that it was her dirty kiddy fiddler husband that was the common theme. she went nuts, said I was telling lies etc yadda yadda.

I've not spoken to her since. I used to send Christmas and Birthday cards but have stopped that now.

The important thing now for me and possibly you and your sister is closure. My sis found that when this evil husband had died she hadn't had it out with him and she found that very difficult. what I did a few months ago after this younger sister had a letter from mother (since sis didn't speak to her either) was I wrote a letter.

I figured that I had nothing to lose, mother was never going to contact me. elder sis by the way never suffered at his hands like we other 2 did, so she was the goldenchild. She was the one mother said bad things to about sis and me. Unfortunately she believed it at the time. Elder sis has been piggy in the middle with mother saying she didn't understand why us others don't speak to her and how wonderful a person she is as all her friends think so!

anyway, the letter I wrote about 4 months ago was everything I would have said if we were face to face. told her that i knew why she chose him over her children (she saw him as a meal ticket since she is very lazy and didn't want to go back to work). It all went in the letter, I said how being a mother myself that I couldn't understand why she would do this to hers.

At least she will go to her grave knowing what she has done. She knew anyway of course but it suited her to re write history as other posters have said. I have closure and won't regret not having said how I feel. She has had the opportunity to write back of course but has so far not done so.

My point being OP that there is no easy and quick answer, I can only say that for me and my sister, cutting her out of our lives has worked for us. (elder sis has told her not to talk to her about us as she's not interested)

Be strong!

happyhaddock_2

Spirit, thank you for sharing your terrible experiences. We are similar ages so I know how you feel having lived all your life with this knowledge. Thankfully we did not suffer physical abuse, just neglect as children and an awful lot of mental abuse. I am so sorry that you and your sister went through this.

Mum has also said to us that she is so glad that me and my sister are back together. It's all she ever wanted!, anyone would think she had personally had a hand in it, actually she's probably convinced herself she has!.

You were very brave to write the letter to her, I don't think I could put it all down for mum to read. The thought of her finding this thread fills me with dread and horror. She says she hasn't got a clue what she's done wrong to deserve all this, and seeing as she constantly re-writes history I'm sure that is correct in her head, but surely deep down she must know that her treatment of us wasn't 'right'?.

Thanks again.

scottish_lassy

Be prepared Happyhaddock, if your mum is anything like mine was, the next step will be a potentially serious illness, call from neighbour or even the hospital!!! Anything to instill guilt and get you running!!! Stand your ground and remain strong - this is a complicated game and as a non-narcissist, you are a step-behind at all stages!