I don't like my mother!

RAS

HH and SG

Hugs to you both. There is a point when you may have to re-assess a lot of your past in order to make sense of what happened given your new perspective and understanding. I know I nearly came apart at that time. So be kind to yourselves.

SG, I suggested that you taped the phone calls a evidence (if she is blowing off); maybe you need to tape them so that if you need to, you can analyse them to see what she is doing. If you need to.

The thing I think you both need to do more than anything is to stop making this wretched woman's antics so central to your lives. I eventually understood that nothing I ever did would ever make my mother happy (because she liked being unhappy too much) and at that point was able to let go.

Obviously core to to this is sorting out the golden grandchild, because she is going to be very vulnerable until she starts to understand. It may be a good idea if she switches off her phone for a couple of days when SG finally manages to tell mum where to go.

happyhaddock_2

devildog wrote: »

No, no no!!!
Sorry, not your mum, building with legos mum!! Her mum didn't want her children poisoned by narcisstic gran!!

Narcisstics imho never come good, afterall there isn't a problem, it's all in our mind

Sorry DD, thought I must be reading it wrong. I did read BWL's post and thought it comendable of her mum to shelter her. It's what I've tried to do with my own children.

RAS: thanks again for the advice. I am finding it easier than my sister to 'let go' as mum has never been able to exert as much influence over me. Due mostly to my stable family life with my DH. Mum unfortunately, still sees us as children to do her bidding and god help us if we have a different opinion.

I've not been able to see my niece today, due to her being ill, so it's going to have to be postponed until next week now.

happyhaddock_2

Nixer, we posted at the same time. That is called hitting the nail firmly on the head! lol. She will NEVER admit what has happened in the past, her version of events is some la la fairyland in which we had the perfect, happy family life. She has completely re-wiritten history so that it shows her in a good light and ABSOLUTELY believes this is the way it was. She still re-writes history now, except we can pick up on it now.

If we were ever to truly confront her with the TRUE version of our childhood and adult lives I think the shock would kill her. She would be absolutely mortified as appearance is everything to her.

Thanks x

spirit

happyhaddock wrote: »

If we were ever to truly confront her with the TRUE version of our childhood and adult lives I think the shock would kill her. She would be absolutely mortified as appearance is everything to her.

Thanks x

I disagree HH, she would be in denial still about it and say that you and your sister were conspiring against her.

Tygermoth

I too have a narcissistic mother. Admittedly she is strong in some of the noted traits but not so in others and am slightly luckier than most as my mother does not have the patience to hold the ‘perfect mother/person facade’ up for too long these days.

So she has few friends and her family do not talk to her making her schemes much easier to deal with that of the ‘smiling assassin’ which she used to pull off with impunity in her heyday. (nice phrase, i hope you dont mind i stole it

I truly believe the only way to a better life with the NM is low/no contact and a total disentanglement to the schemes.

My mother is shamelessly self absorbed, alcoholic, shopaholic. She is unfulfilled, vain and wildly jealous.

I have come to this realisation after having distance. Before I would have told you (and believed it) that my mum was lovely and I was the one with the issues.

It’s like being a bit schizophrenic. Two adult people who lived lives together who see the past in entirely different ways. In fact my mother should go into fiction as her recounting of our glorious life where she sacrificed everything to her ungrateful daughter..... is nothing, if not a work of art.

I am free now as I have embraced the knowledge that I am not a separate individual to be loved and respected, to my mother I will only ever be her emotional plaything. Nothing, not a god damn thing i do will ever make her happy. So why bother? Why strive for the blatantly unattainable?

So I use two sayings as my mottos now

One of us is going to be unhappy.... and it’s not going to be me.

May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. (or damned if you do and damned if you don’t) So be damned and do what I want for a change.

I have stopped !!!!!footing around. If don’t like what I hear I hang up the phone. I did it again and again feigning complete ignorance until she got the message. Nasty/sly comment phone disconnects. It worked remarkably well. Her desire to talk about herself overwhelmed her need to control the call. (Should mention here my mother rarely had NM rages)

In my head I laid down strict rules what I will and will not discuss. As soon as she strays to my OH/Babies/Marriage my siblings or bad mouthing friends or family I have an urgent chore to do.

Distance gives a great deal of perspective and I now she her clearer than I have ever done. Which in turn has equipped me with tools and may I say even weapons to arm myself with.

When family or people attempt to tell my how terrible I am being I will calmly say its family matters and complicated and it will come right one day and leave it at that.

I have a sense of peace now which you would not believe. It’s taken 5 years of low contact and very strict rules of what will and will not allow to reach it .........and occasionally I do backslide. But I see such a more fulfilled and happier person in myself that it’s now easier than ever to just let it slide off me like water off a ducks back because I know the truth... and it’s never anything that comes out of that woman’s mouth.

happyhaddock_2

Tygermoth wrote: »

My mother is shamelessly self absorbed, alcoholic, shopaholic. She is unfulfilled, vain and wildly jealous.

OMG tygermoth are you our long lost sister!. Our mum is a shopaholic as well as all the other things - addicted to TV shopping channels!!.

I have every sympathy for you she sounds nearly identical to our's. I only hope that we will get to the same stage with our mum as you have with your's, especially my sister.

It was so empowering the other day when I told her to stop bad mouthing my sister and hung up on her, I finally realised that I do not have to put up with her mind games any more!

Spirit: You could be right about her denying everything and blaming us. When she rang my sister in a rage after I'd hung up on her, she said "so you've been talking about me then"!. She really hate's us being together and has gone out of her way over the years to ensure it didn't happen. What a way to treat your kids

shelley_crow

Even as an escapee of a narcissistic mother, it never fails to surprise me what these people do actually get up to. I feel sorry for all of us, scape goats, golden childs and all.

My mom was so deeply narcissistic that she didn't like people who didn't agree with her. Her family used to pander to her but my dad's parents would take no messing. On my parent's wedding day she tried to exert her authority by trying to stop my dad's parents from sitting on the top table. From what I have heard from my aunt (long lost and recently found), the wedding was quite small and she was shown in her petty and narcissistic glory, it was not a good look! A week after the wedding, my dad's parents received a letter from my mom telling them never to contact their son again and despite all efforts to speak to him, never did.

I feel so sorry for my dad in many ways, we were always close and she didn't like that. He had the power to say no but in the style of a true enabler, never did.

My situation got worse when my parents came into some money. My mom could be quite generous but money/gifts ALWAYS came with strings attached, they never came my way as often as they did my brother. Includence in her will was always used as a bargaining tool, shame that as a teenager that didn't really mean anything to me, lol.

I really truly believe that the best way to escape a narcissist is to go no contact. They drag you down with the mind games and keep you there using the same, you will NEVER win. I realise this isn't an option for some people but nothing good will ever come of it.

shelley_crow

also to add, does your mother have any friends? Mine was incapable of sustaining friendships for any length of time. Friends would appear and then never be seen again. If you think of the dynamics of a friendship and the give and take needed, it goes to show what children of narcissists put up with that no-one else will.

happyhaddock_2

Shelley how sad for your Dad, did he lose all contact with his parents?. Our Dad worked abroad for long spells (I wonder why!) so unfortunately mum was the major influence in our lives. But even when home Dad just wanted an easy life and just went along with things.

Know exactly what you mean about the money as well, nothing EVER comes without strings attached and she never forgets or let's you forget that she's helped you out. If you offer to repay her though it's always "oh there's no rush, just give it me when you can" then she goes moaning about you behind your back, that you owe her money. If you do repay it she no longer has a 'hold' over you!.

After reading other peoples stories and experiences there are so many similarities!. How do all the narcissist's behave the same way?

Mum's never had any close friends, just acquaintances, neighbours etc, say's it all really. She's never really had a good word to say about anyone.

spirit

happyhaddock wrote: »

[QUOTE
Spirit: You could be right about her denying everything and blaming us. When she rang my sister in a rage after I'd hung up on her, she said "so you've been talking about me then"!. She really hate's us being together and has gone out of her way over the years to ensure it didn't happen. What a way to treat your kids

She will be insanely jealous of you 'girls' talking together. My mother would remember every little annoyance (to her) and throw it back when it suited. I had to laugh though when she said once that she felt left out when she and her child-abuser husband gave little sis and me a lift to the airport. sis and i were talking in the back - probably about the holiday, but she felt we should have spoken to her instead.

Also at her husband's funeral - which I refused on principle to go to. elder sis was mingling with her guests at the wake. this wasn't right apparently and elder sis should have been at her side the whole time.