I don't like my mother!

shelley_crow

happyhaddock wrote: »

Shelley how sad for your Dad, did he lose all contact with his parents?. Our Dad worked abroad for long spells (I wonder why!) so unfortunately mum was the major influence in our lives. But even when home Dad just wanted an easy life and just went along with things.

Know exactly what you mean about the money as well, nothing EVER comes without strings attached and she never forgets or let's you forget that she's helped you out. If you offer to repay her though it's always "oh there's no rush, just give it me when you can" then she goes moaning about you behind your back, that you owe her money. If you do repay it she no longer has a 'hold' over you!.

After reading other peoples stories and experiences there are so many similarities!. How do all the narcissist's behave the same way?

Mum's never had any close friends, just acquaintances, neighbours etc, say's it all really. She's never really had a good word to say about anyone.

Hi HH ,

He never saw them again, just on her say so! it goes to show how generally narcissists pick those with weak personalities as partners! They married in the late 1970s and dad's dad died in 2000 and they'd never spoken since. My grandparents on that side lived in the family home so he could have quite easily gone and seen them without her knowing, the repercussions wouldn't have been very plesant though. I never met my grandad on that side unfortunately but I'm in contact in my aunt and grandmother on that side, quite a few childhood myths have been debunked, I can tell ya! My grandmother was gutted, I'd only just tracked them down when I found out my dad had passed away.

I could wax lyrical about the stuff she used to get upto concerning money but that would totally take over the thread, feel free to pm me if you need to talk.

On another note, one of the worst things of growing up with a NM was not knowing where you stood with her. She'd be fine with me one minute and completely change the next, like flipping a switch. Sometimes, if she was bad in the morning I'd stay over at school to stay away from her. If she was upset about something then I'd get the silent treatment, she once blanked me for an entire month, it was bliss! :rotfl:

spirit

happyhaddock wrote: »

After reading other peoples stories and experiences there are so many similarities!. How do all the narcissist's behave the same way?

Mum's never had any close friends, just acquaintances, neighbours etc, say's it all really. She's never really had a good word to say about anyone.

Same her. Mother will gather 'friends' around her and then quote them as saying she is a lovely person. Next thing you know she has dropped these friends as they were too nosey mormally. (take that to mean question her on something)

She and her husband moved down to the West Country to be near elder sis' in laws so that she would see more of elder sis (as she visited her in laws fairly often)

The very first christmas they were all supposed to be eating out together at a local hotel. Mother gave a cheque to the in-law to give as deposit to the hotel, but the hotel said they didn't need it and just to pay on the day. so next time mother saw the in-laws, she asked if she'd paid the hotel. sis' in-law was just about to explain but got as far as saying no..... when mother launched a tirade of abuse at her and accused her of stealing the money.

so it backfired on mother as sis' in-law refused to have anything to do with her now. Her husband died a few years ago, so to use one of mothers favourite quotes, 'she's made her bed so must lie in it'

shelley_crow

spirit wrote: »

She will be insanely jealous of you 'girls' talking together. My mother would remember every little annoyance (to her) and throw it back when it suited. I had to laugh though when she said once that she felt left out when she and her child-abuser husband gave little sis and me a lift to the airport. sis and i were talking in the back - probably about the holiday, but she felt we should have spoken to her instead.

Also at her husband's funeral - which I refused on principle to go to. elder sis was mingling with her guests at the wake. this wasn't right apparently and elder sis should have been at her side the whole time.

Spirit (((hug))) I can't imagine going through what you went through

lollyb84

Tygermoth wrote: »

My mother is shamelessly self absorbed, alcoholic, shopaholic. She is unfulfilled, vain and wildly jealous.

I have come to this realisation after having distance. Before I would have told you (and believed it) that my mum was lovely and I was the one with the issues.

It’s like being a bit schizophrenic. Two adult people who lived lives together who see the past in entirely different ways. In fact my mother should go into fiction as her recounting of our glorious life where she sacrificed everything to her ungrateful daughter..... is nothing, if not a work of art.

This sounds a lot like my mum. Particularly the wildly jealous, unfulfilled woman who recounts all the sacrifices she's made for her ungrateful children. I thought it was just me, until my DH one day told me he'd never known anyone as selfish as my mum, and asked me to name a single truly altruistic thing that she'd done for me and I couldn't. I cannot think of anything that my mum has done that hasn't benefitted her is some way. And that makes me sad.

Outwardly to other people, she tells them how well I'm doing at work, likes to brag about my new car, my 'big' wedding (it wasn't hugely expensive, just looked like it) etc etc. But to me she tells me I'm showing off, ungrateful for the things they can provide, a snob, career obsessed, selfish because I haven't had children yet, and generally I don't know how hard she has it. She is definitely the Queen of the 'Poor me's'.

She always plays the victim, and likes to be at the centre of a drama. As an example my maternal grandfather had cancer a number of years ago. Several years later, during a check-up they found some 'abnormal cells' and sought to remove them. No drama, (well maybe a little), but my mum rang me in floods of tears to tell me that my grandfather's cancer had returned, they weren't sure if they could remove it, and if they couldn't he would die. A quick call to my grandparents revealed the truth.

She also has a hugely selective memory, says cruel things, and then denies them. If she is heard by someone else (my DH for example) then she claims she 'didn't mean it like that' and we've misunderstood her. My dad won't pull her up on this behaviour and my grandparents defend her to the hilt. I really did think it was me being harsh, until my DH came along and hit me with the reality stick! We rarely see her now, as she knows that my husband and I see through her, and she doesn't talk to me on the phone, as she is too depressed to talk. It's probably the best thing all round. The only thing I still struggle with is people's reactions - 'but she's your mother and she gave birth to you, you must love her unconditionally' etc etc. It's lovely to know from this thread that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

Sorry for the massive post!

shelley_crow

lollyb84 wrote: »

The only thing I still struggle with is people's reactions - 'but she's your mother and she gave birth to you, you must love her unconditionally' etc etc. It's lovely to know from this thread that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

Sorry for the massive post!

You're definitely not alone! I think it's because people have no idea what narcissism is like to live with unless they have experienced it. I've taken to telling people that NM is dead, it's so much easier all round.

spirit

shelley_crow wrote: »

Spirit (((hug))) I can't imagine going through what you went through

thanks Shelley, it's not been easy I must admit, but the best and most cathartic thing was writing that letter to her. She wouldn't have listened face to face or on the phone. I've no idea if she kept the letter but certainly she could go back and re read something. I wrote it in very simple terms so she couldn't mis interpret anything.

she's not terribly bright but is as cunning as a fox.

Have you all found similar?

lollyb84

spirit wrote: »

she's not terribly bright but is as cunning as a fox.

Have you all found similar?

Definitely!

And very good at remembering the smallest slight, or perceived slight, but not so good at remembering the times things have been unfair to others in her favour! Edit - or calculating when she thinks we've spent less on her than the In-laws!

meritaten

spirit wrote: »

she's not terribly bright but is as cunning as a fox.

Have you all found similar?

OH yes!!!!
describes MIL to a T! she also never forgot a slight (or what she took as one).

MIL would go through FILs pockets when he was asleep (after a few beers on his saturday night with the boys) and any money she found would be hidden away. She made out to others that FIL kept her short of money (but yet again OH disabused me of this notion - saying that his dad brought his paypacket home unopened and she would dole out 'pocket money' to him!).
Her friends and she did have freinds (they all lived in the street and had known her for years) she was always sweet as pie to - though I do suspect one or two of them saw her for what she really was. most of her friends and most of the family were totally taken in though - and I have been taken to task more than a few times by her friends/family for not being nice to 'Poor A***s'! on one occasion apparently she told her friend that she had fancied some roast cheese for her tea and I wouldnt make it for her.
The reason I didnt make it for her was that her consultant had banned cheese from her diet! and she knew it! so in front of that friend I said to MIL if you really want roast cheese I will do it - but dont blame me if it makes you ill after! you know you arent supposed to eat it!
This is how stupid she is - she immediately smirked and said she would have some! I made it, she ate it and, as I knew she would be was immediately ill!
the next day she told different friends that I had made her roasted cheese for her supper and she wasnt supposed to have it but she had eaten it not to upset me! Thinking that it would make me look bad............but of course one friend talked to the previous days friend and got the REAL story!!!!
but you know what? I knew she would do that! I also knew that her friends (or cronies as I call them) would discuss it and the truth would be known!
at the same time I didnt really care!

Triker

I also feel that the only way to recover from these people is nil contact.

I have been happily free for decades.

I've nodded at the 'puter screen too re the 'Goldenchild' syndrome, yup, had that too. First my younger brother was then he was cast aside for the youngest brother. At least I always knew where I stood.:o

Sad that all this is, with a very fractured and fragmented family, I believe that we can all learn and find decent, unconditional love and break the cycle and get on with our lives with our friends, partners and children.

Just keep the psycho mothers away from them and you.;):cool::D

happyhaddock_2

Thanks so much for sharing all your experiences. I am truly amazed at how long this thread has become, it's just a shame that there are so many of us in the same situation.

I've not heard from mum at all, but she is a champion sulker and it's her birthday soon so she probably thinks she's just got to hold out until then as she'll presume I'll be going to see her!.

I'm really not bothered what she does or says, my main priority now is to support my sister and niece and hopefully make them strong enough to be able to back off from mum a bit.