I don't like my mother!

choille

That's all you can do - is to be there for your sister.

A life time of manipulation can't just be shrugged off - I know that only too well.

meritaten

happy - I read your sisters post, I am so sorry for her problems. I believe you know where the blame lies.
as the golden child your mum was training you to be just like her! it must really grate on her that she didnt succeed!
My OHs older brother (there were two others older than him - but she farmed them out to grandparents - and they are still resentful even today) so he was child NO3, was her goldenchild - and he was a lovely person! she tried her best to spoil him - but, didnt succeed! he saw through her once he reached adulthood and moved far enough away that he didnt have to see too much of her and HIS kids were out of her reach!
believe me - when I first married OH I was prepared to hate him - I heard so much about him from MIL - about how he loved his mum, but his job kept him moving around and busy (the police force) about how he was affectionate and loving - unlike MY OH! my OH was the brat who broke his bro's toys and was jealous of him. How goldenchild was so bright in school he could have gone to university - but OH was thick and would never amount to anything! Biitch!
yeah - My bro in law was bright - but he told me himself, not bright enough for uni and he went into the police force to annoy her! she wanted him to become an electrician (he suspected the house needed rewiring)! but of course, his successes became her successes!
and a lovely opportunity to have a dig at my OH!
I'm wittering on - I just meant to say that not ALL goldenchildren go on to become narcissists - some (LIKE YOU) realise whats really going on! I think that narcissists are born - not made! its some kind of mental abberation.
Its too late for your mother to make niece a clone of herself - even if that were possible. what she wants now is to punish Scape Goat and yourself......by making niece LOVE her more than she does you two!
as I said before hun, 'forewarned is forearmed'. Initial revelations about her Nan should prob come from you. but, it sounds from what Scape Goat says - your mother is already launching her initial attack. giving gifts comes with strings with narcissists.

happyhaddock_2

Meritaten, your MIL sounds an absolute piece of work. How can people be so vicious and nasty to their children?

What you say about mum is spot on as well, it's all about making my niece love and relate to her more than my sister. If she could get her away from my sister I'm sure she would do, she's said in the past about my niece going to live with her if it get's too much with my sister!!. Over my sister's dead body!

scottish_lassy

I pray that all of you who are involved with narcissits find the strength to break free. You will never win, and no contact is the only way to go.

Group hug to all of us who survive! :grouphug::grouphug:

anmarj

I have read this thread with interest and do actually see traits of my mother in here. I recently have taken the decision to have little contact with my mother and my sister (acts very much the same way as mother) for similar reasons, I have got to the stage that for my own sanity I have to do it. My dear half can understands why I am having to do it. The last year has been hard for us as we discovered I can’t have children naturally, and the only way might be drugs but I have had to lose a bit of weight before they will give me the drugs and that appointment is only a few weeks away and I don’t need or want the stress of them on top of everything else. Hugs to those that need it :grouphug: xxx

flowertotmum

O me o my..i have read this thread with baited breath..you are all describing my mum...i feel not so alone now..

Short version..eldest child..everything was always my fault..my she got pregnant at 15,my fault she HAD to marry my dad,my fault she had 4 more children with him...actual words from her mouth" i should have flushed you when i had the chance"...evil woman..

She has totally re-written my childhood..everyone thinks she is amazing and how did she cope with 5 children..well 4 really because i was farmed out to various relatives every weekend and holidays..never spent one christmas with them til i was 15...

And 17 years ago i was so desperate for her love i moved into a house next door to hers...i'm still here and so is she..
After 2yrs my hubby who is my rock and gave me the strength i needed to do what had to be done...she came around and had a go at me whilst i was holding my baby son..hubby had had enough..she got literally picked up by the scruff of her neck and thrown out the door...total bliss...she was a victim and played the martyr for weeks until hubby exploded and told her she was the most selfish bitter woman he had ever met and we as a family wanted nothing to do with her at all...but we did however want to see my dad and brothers and sister..she banned them from talking to me..it didn't last as us siblings were close..so she went to work on my little sister and succeeded....
Moving forward to today..she will pop around but never stays more than 15 mins...i like this...but she has totally alienated my sister from the family ...she prefers her boys and their wives to me and my sister...
Just hang in there ladies it is really hard but once that veil is lifted from your eyes and you see what they really are it gets easier to ignore them..i speak politely but thats it...if she starts about my brothers or sister then i just leave the room and she seems to get the message..
Please please ladies don't let the manipulation carry on..i have 5 beautiful girls of my own and she has very little contact with them at all..my son on the other hand she always wants him to do stuff for her...i just don't bother even telling him..and he wouldn't do it anyway as he thinks she is vain and stupid and thats from a 17 yr old boy..i have great relationships with my children because i vowed to never be like her..
Sounds awful but i too do not like my mother.
ftm

meritaten

flowertotmum wrote: »

O me o my..i have read this thread with baited breath..you are all describing my mum...i feel not so alone now..

Short version..eldest child..everything was always my fault..my she got pregnant at 15,my fault she HAD to marry my dad,my fault she had 4 more children with him...actual words from her mouth" i should have flushed you when i had the chance"...evil woman..

She has totally re-written my childhood..everyone thinks she is amazing and how did she cope with 5 children..well 4 really because i was farmed out to various relatives every weekend and holidays..never spent one christmas with them til i was 15...

And 17 years ago i was so desperate for her love i moved into a house next door to hers...i'm still here and so is she..
After 2yrs my hubby who is my rock and gave me the strength i needed to do what had to be done...she came around and had a go at me whilst i was holding my baby son..hubby had had enough..she got literally picked up by the scruff of her neck and thrown out the door...total bliss...she was a victim and played the martyr for weeks until hubby exploded and told her she was the most selfish bitter woman he had ever met and we as a family wanted nothing to do with her at all...but we did however want to see my dad and brothers and sister..she banned them from talking to me..it didn't last as us siblings were close..so she went to work on my little sister and succeeded....
Moving forward to today..she will pop around but never stays more than 15 mins...i like this...but she has totally alienated my sister from the family ...she prefers her boys and their wives to me and my sister...
Just hang in there ladies it is really hard but once that veil is lifted from your eyes and you see what they really are it gets easier to ignore them..i speak politely but thats it...if she starts about my brothers or sister then i just leave the room and she seems to get the message..
Please please ladies don't let the manipulation carry on..i have 5 beautiful girls of my own and she has very little contact with them at all..my son on the other hand she always wants him to do stuff for her...i just don't bother even telling him..and he wouldn't do it anyway as he thinks she is vain and stupid and thats from a 17 yr old boy..i have great relationships with my children because i vowed to never be like her..
Sounds awful but i too do not like my mother.
ftm

It sounds awful - but some mothers do NOT DESERVE to be liked!
but its really hard when the outside world thinks they are wonderful!
My MIL was referred to by everyone as 'Poor Agnes'. she played the victim for all she was worth. she sacrificed her kids happiness to play 'Poor Agnes'. she craved the attention, she revelled in every family tragedy and milked it for all she could.
Why would you 'like' someone like that?
As for outsiders - their opinions dont matter I have found. its only the opinions of YOUR own family that should matter - and it sounds like yours love you and see through her!
Consider yourself free hun! she cannot hurt you now!
best wishes
Merit

happyhaddock_2

To everyone who has posted on this thread can I say a big thank you and stay strong! There are so many similarities between the stories and so many of us have shared the same experiences even though we are never likely to meet in 'real life'.

As I said to my sister "if mum wasn't related to us you'd never go near her"

Oh and thank you for all the VERY dodgy hugs! xx

[Deleted User]

I'm another one who had a similiar decision to make. My mother and I never got on.., whatever the reason (I have heard it was because of my diabetes diagnosis at four). I was always made to feel different to any 'normal' child, nothing I could do was right no matter how hard I tried. The situation got worse and worse and when my stepfather moved in the physical abuse started. She defended me once.., when my stepfather totally lost it (my mum had pulled some of my hair out that morning.., I'd put it in the loo.., it hadn't flushed away so mum threw it out the bathroom window, dislodging my stepfathers shaving gear onto the roof below.., he lost it over that believe it or not) and I sincerely believe I was going to get more than bruises this time). Otherwise she'd just say I deserved it because of my cheek? Pfft I didn't have the courage to be cheeky.., I couldn't even stay standing up when he started!

Anyway, I was the 'bad' one in the family. I was fat (no one in the family had ever been fat so how could I be?), I never had any friends (why I wonder) I was made out to be a total pain. I grew up feeling I was evil. Even my brother still regards me in this way.., so do all her friends and our family.

I just got to an age when she was starting up an argument again .., same old story her making out she was the perfect mother in the perfect family and I wasn't. I stopped and thought.., do I actually need this? No I decided. I thought mmh, will I feel differently when she dies. I decided if I did, I'd deal with it then. My mother had to have made a decision at some point to ignore my needs for love and praise.., its rubbish to say she didn't know how to raise a child.., she was just too self involved to look at what other people were doing/saying.

I have had very little contact with her since. And I haven't regretted it. When she dies.., I know its a decision I made for the right reasons.., whatever the consequences. I can live with that. Its a lot easier than living with all the digs, lies and attitude., cause I am NOT a pain lol.

The problem I have is explaining this to my children. I saw something on TV and I talked to my OH about it.., and some information came out about how bad it had been. I didn't realise my older son was in the room at the time. I have always encouraged a relationship between my older son and her because her relationship with him is different to mine with her (and without her, he doesn't have grandparents).., but now he won't even talk to her. I do feel very very bad about that. I've always just said to him that we are different people and don't get on. It was quite a shock to him to hear about the violence that went on and how it felt to be treated that way (he's 15). I only spoke for two minutes, if that before I realised he was there but I was quite emotional. I do feel awful about it.

happyhaddock_2

Deannatrois my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine the pain you have had to suffer, emotionally and physically. A a mother I just can't fathom out why these people (I won't call them mum's) are incapable of loving and protecting their children, it is so very sad.

I am glad that you have a happy family life and have been able to distance yourself from your mum, I'm just starting out on that one!. With regards to your son I would just be there for him and support him in any choice he makes regarding 'nan'. If he chooses to have no contact that is his right, and to be honest it is no more than she deserves.

It's a pity that these people who live there lives playing God and hurting others don't think to the future when they may need help, love and affection themselves and find it in very short supply.

Take care x