I don't like my mother!

devildog

deannatrois-don't feel awful, in the long run your children will be able to understand better. I do understand what you are saying as mine now have no contact either, one def because they understand what went on and looking back mum was pretty rubbish with them anyway.
They were given material things but re taking children out, like to the park never happened, if they were taken out it would be down the pub for a meal(as in what my mum wanted to do and not what the child would like to do) I also remember my eldest saying(before we went no contact) that the only thing my mum asked her about was how she was doing at school, nothing about friends, hobbies, social life etc. As for my youngest, there wsn't a relationship between them at all because 'according to her' I never let her hold them when they were a baby-yeah right!! Another thing my mum did, was in hospital the day after I had my first was to announce to the ward that I didn't have a maternal bone in my body with that self righteous smirk on her face!! I also broached her favourtism with my sis, of course which she denied and then accused me of doing that with my children. That really worried me at the time because I really have tried hard not to be like her so I did ask mine(plus friends, people who knew me etc) whether they felt that I treated them differently in any way, either by taking sides, talking about one more than the other, or making them feel undervalued etc. I felt such a huge sigh of relief when all concerned said that no they weren't treated differently.

[Deleted User]

First of all Happyhaddock.., my apologies for temporarily hijacking your thread. I didn't even think of the last paragraph til I started writing it.

I just wanted to sort of say (I now realise) that having your own children.., although u don't do it for this reason of course, gives u chance in the best way possible to prove to yourself that motherhood doesn't have to be the way you experienced it (the world can be a good place). And once u've learned that it gives u a sense of self worth nothing else can knock. I feel very lucky to be honest inspite of the odd hiccup.

It is good to see so many women have dealt with the same challenges.., and have done the same thing., and feel ok about it. It kindof wipes out the last bit of doubt.., and makes you feel less alone. Thank you for starting up this thread.

happyhaddock_2

No worries at all Deanna, I think it has done us all good, and it provides the perfect outlet to rant and get it off your chest .

Personally speaking it has given me the chance to put it down in writing for the first time ever, think I am also admitting my true feelings for the first time as well, and has shown me that WE are not the ones in the wrong. The level of support and understanding has been overwhelming x.

sassyblue

happyhaddock, (hope you don't mind me saying but) the title of your thread always makes me smile. It expresses so simply the horror of realising that though you're 'supposed' to love your mother in actual fact she is a person like any other - and that doesn't mean she has to be nice.

You can love someone you don't actually like sometimes, you can also hate them interminately, mother or not!

I'm glad to read that you've found it helpful to write it all down and hope you find some peace now whether your mother is going to be in your life or not. xxxxx

deannatrois, what can l say? Good luck to you xxxxx

happyhaddock_2

Thank you for that sassyblue, as you say there is an awful lot of pressure to conform, and it is just not the done the thing to "not like your mother".

I discovered a new word yesterday that totally sums up how I feel about her "DESPISE". I despise her for what she has done to me and my sister!

RAS

deannatrois wrote: »

The problem I have is explaining this to my children. I saw something on TV and I talked to my OH about it.., and some information came out about how bad it had been. I didn't realise my older son was in the room at the time. I have always encouraged a relationship between my older son and her because her relationship with him is different to mine with her (and without her, he doesn't have grandparents).., but now he won't even talk to her. I do feel very very bad about that. I've always just said to him that we are different people and don't get on. It was quite a shock to him to hear about the violence that went on and how it felt to be treated that way (he's 15). I only spoke for two minutes, if that before I realised he was there but I was quite emotional. I do feel awful about it.

It is incredibly hard, isn't it.

We are fortunate that neither parent is alive any longer but there is so much that cannot be said.

I was with relatives recently who think she was a wonderful and badly treated saint. I could not even start to work out what to say but to thank them for their kind words.

We made the decision not to tell the children when they were younger; how much they may learn as they grow older, particularly given that one seems to have antennae instead of ears, I do not know. We are careful when we talk but I am sure something will slip out sometime.

It is also impossible to explain some of the tensions in the family. I am not sure that artfully ignoring them is really the best way to teach the kids to handle things but I know that talking about them would be impossible for some at the moment.

shelley_crow

I think that part of what makes us keep these women in our lives is being worried about we think we will lose. Cutting them off when I was 18 was really hard but in some ways easier than if I had left it later.

It makes me so sad sometimes when I see women and their grown up daughters walking around town together, shopping or having lunch. I always wonder, why can't I have that? I (and most other ladies on here) didn't have the support of parents that many people with "normal" parents have. They didn't see my graduation, didn't see my children and won't be there when I get married. I do feel sad sometimes but at least these milestones have been enjoyed without her interference. If she had been involved in my life still I know that most of these things wouldn't have happened. She wouldn't have agreed with my choice of degree or university, wouldn't approve of my OH, wouldn't want me to have children and take the focus of my life off her and would want me at home pandering to her needs.

missprice

shelley_crow wrote: »

You're definitely not alone! I think it's because people have no idea what narcissism is like to live with unless they have experienced it. I've taken to telling people that NM is dead, it's so much easier all round.

omg
i thought i was alone in this
for years i said the exact same
its true now mind:rotfl:
does this makes us narcisiitic cos we have rewritten history?

sorry not hijacking the thread but have read it all and although my mother not quite as bad as some on here
she used to play the woe is me and you ungrateful child, where would you be without me etc
and your sister (who was adopted out at birth) is probably way better than you
she also married a kiddy fiddler and never believed me
the best thing i did was leave home at 15 and never have contact

just thinking on maybe she was not as bad as some cos i cut contact pretty soon?
she had already decided which uni i was going to and what course i was doing and that by the age of 13. there was no talking her out of it at all
so glad i got away

happyhaddock_2

Well it's been four days now since I told mum to shut up! and I've not heard from her at all. I said to my sister the fact that she hasn't contacted me speaks volumes. Since I actually stood up to her for the first time I think she is reluctant to contact me in case she hears some very uncomfortable home truths.

My sister saw her phsychiatrist yesterday and told him what has happened recently. He said it was very good that I had stood up to mum and was helping my sis now. He knew all about the 'goldenchild' and 'scapegoat' and said she had to learn to let go of the feelings of guilt. I said to sis well if he takes her fears seriously and agrees that mum is a narcissist (he asked her for various examples of her behaviour) then it proves that it is not us who are going mad.

meritaten

happy - Thanks for your update.

I bet you are relishing the peace and quiet and lack of drama! beware hun - she WILL try something to get back at you! may be through your sister or more likely through your niece.

Scape Goats psychiatrist will now have a far better understanding of your sister now! yes, the psychiatrist will know about 'goldenchildren' and 'scapegoats'!
oh hun, neither you nor sis is going mad! take it from me, until you fully understand the way narcissists operate and manipulate and totally rewrite history - not to mention downright lying! then you DO wonder about your own sanity. I know I did the first few years after I married OH! his mum seemed SUCH a sweety! then I found myself questioning what I THOUGHT to be true. as it seemed I had things wrong all the time!
my own mother was brought up a couple of streets away from MIL - she never said anything but I was aware that she didnt seem to like MIL much. while I was discovering about narcissism I asked mum why she didnt like MIL.
mum said 'even as a child she was a vain, selfish little cow - all too ready to get others in trouble'! 'and she played your FIL like a violin'!
mum was of the opinion that OHs parents had a 'shotgun' wedding and it was MIL holding the gun! She Knew for a fact that MIL wasnt FILs only girlfriend (they werent even going 'steady' according to my mum).
I can well believe it - MIL used to brag that she let FIL chase her until she 'caught' him!