I don't like my mother!

POPPYOSCAR

Nice talking with you happyhaddock , have to sign off now. No doubt we will converse again.

Goodnight.

meritaten

happy - how awful for your sister. my MIL used to do things like that. and short of tearing the package apart and confronting her, what was your sis supposed to do? I bet she is now wishing she had had the guts to open the parcel???????? but if she had? what then? your sis wasnt ready for that.
enough that she knows she has been 'had' yet again. Tea and sympathy from you happy?
all you can do is bolster your sisters confidence. her mental health team are aware now of the family dynamics. and will help your sis accordingly.
You know something happy? your love for your sister has shone through this thread! your concern has been more for her and your niece than for yourself. I think as long as you show this love and understanding to sis - you will have a relationship which is truly 'sisterly'.
as for your mother - she knows she is losing you - she is desperately trying to bring your sis 'to heel' and please watch out for niece. btw - someone should be telling her about her gran selling your sisters gifts on ebay. YOU have the proof, time to tell niece I think. she is bound to wonder why her mum is so upset!

Triker

Your sister could check her Mums ebay account to see what she's sold lately....if its worth the drama.

I would probably just leave it, they're like snipers, they just keep shooting you whilst denying they are doing it, you just have to dodge the bullet or lob a great big grenade at em for some peace.:D

meritaten

Triker - its rare that you can catch the narcissist out in a lie. Happy's sister did as she knew what her mother sold on ebay was a gift from her. Thats proof.
and that is what HappyHaddock and Scape Goat need when talking to the niece.
It was a bit of typical narcissist behaviour that the mother got Scape Goat to post HER own gift off to an Ebuyer. Thats typical behaviour unfortunately!

happyhaddock_2

Thanks once again for all the replies, I'm feeling rather unsure of myself tonight.

Meritaten, thank you so so much for your understanding of what we are going through. I've just heard from my sister, she thinks mum is really ill. She said mum was making funny noises and kept talking about dying, also her face looked black. Sis thinks mum might be selling the things on ebay to give us the money (I think she's playing online bingo, sorry!). At the same time my sister is also wondering if she has been taken in again?, but says she wouldn't forgive herself if mum died alone .

I really don't know how I feel anymore

devildog

So sorry that your mum is still playing games(although totally expected of course)
I would tell her where to go re christmas presents, she is doing the 'I have been rejected by my daughter but I still care enough to give them presents game'!!

I must confess that I thought your sis (scapegoat) would see more clearly through your mum and her illness as opposed to it being you(goldenchild) Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that it is wrong it was just the complete opposite in dynamics in our family situation-golden child fell for everything hook, line and sinker and scapegoat(me ) took it more with a pinch of salt.

I think what could possibly be happening is that your sis still wants/craves/needs mum's love, acceptance and attention and even possibly to become 'golden child'. I don't mean by this that she is deliberately setting out to do this but that her need is so great that she can't see that no matter what she does she will never achieve that result.
Unfortunately she is still in denial about her mum's actions "thinks mum might be selling the things on ebay to give us the money" and is still at the stage where she is blaming herself and making excuses for her mum.
Have you suggested that she looks over The daughters of narcissistic mothers site? It is a real eye opener with regards to how mothers play the game(certainly opened my eyes and helped me understand.

re the gift, my mum had a coffee maker on xmas list some years back so I bought her one, not the most expensive, but certainly not a cheapy. Within a month after xmas she declared that she wasn't going to drink coffee because it doesn't agree with her health and she got rid of the coffee machine. Three guesses, no actually, one guess what was on her wish list the following year-you got it a coffee maker!! Unbelievable! Now I just laugh

happyhaddock_2

Thanks DD yes my sister is still trying to get mum's seal of approval, but I think a lot more of it is she cannot cope with the guilt of 'abandoning' mum even though mum has treated her terribly in the past. Also she has to consider my niece who is close to mum and would be devastated if anything happens to her. Sis actually apologised to me for feeling that way about mum, I said don't be silly you've got to do whats right for you.

It's hard for me to understand as I have a limited range of emotions (I wonder why!) and find it difficult to feel that way. I can do 'practical' with my eyes shut but don't display feelings. We've both read the 'daughter's' site it's that which opened our eyes!.

Re-the coffee maker guess you didn't spend enough then!. You're right about the xmas presents as well, it's all so mum can play the martyr.

happyhaddock_2

Feeling really down today mum's doing the 'I'm the the victim, feel sorry for me' thing, and yes I am feeling bad. What if I'm wrong?

Tygermoth

I've just heard from my sister, she thinks mum is really ill. She said mum was making funny noises and kept talking about dying, also her face looked black

Hi There HH.

This is going to be SO harsh so I apologise in advance.

Your mother (if anything like mine) has far too much self interest to allow herself to become really ill without seeking medical attention.

Trust me.

If you are worried call NHS direct or her GP – then she will get mad at you for making a ‘fuss’.

How I dealt with it when the calls of’ I am ill, dying... I feel so unwell ....come over immediately....’ I would calmly say i am no longer a medical professional and you would best be served by the GP/A&E shall I call you an ambulance? Or get the GP out... she would back down at that point.

On one occasion after faking a faint (she also made her face look black) I called her up and advised the I had called the GP... oh the temper tantrum! (i hadn’t but it was enough to panic her that she was just to be caught out in a lie)

She’s is big enough and old enough to take responsibility for her own health. Remember any hook she can land to wind you in....

Tygermoth

Do you think it would benefit you and your sister to agree not to talk about your mum?

Otherwise you are getting drawn in to the situation by proxy. My brother and I found the stress of sharing what was going on was not helping at all. In fact when we pretended like she had vanished and we stopped having conversations where we were dissecting situations, meanings and obsessing over the littlest thing she said and did.... our stress levels dropped massively. We felt this in the end was part of her arsenal of weapons knowing she could let off a bomb and the shock waves would reach me through my brother telling me what was going on.

She is a total conversational no go area as it just stirs up issues. It took some time but this was the best method. (For us anyway)