I don't like my mother!

meritaten

let us know how things go with your neice happy.
your sis - I dont really know what to say........I can understand that she still lives under the hope that she will somehow meet with mums approval and gain her love, if only she can hang in there! Its early days hun, your sis may need more time to adjust to the realisation that your mother is never going to change. narcissists never do! As they never do anything wrong - what is there to change?
For now perhaps its enough that sis is determined not to let mother get her claws into her daughter.
I hope there wont be too many storms ahead - but, I am here if you need to vent or anything! feel free to PM if you dont wish to post!
merit

happyhaddock_2

Oh Meritaten thank you for a lovely post, I will let you know how it goes tomorrow. My sister is reading the thread again tonight so she might post herself later. She has to wait for her daughter to go out in case she reads it as we don't think she's ready for this yet.

Thanks again x

Scape_Goat

Hi for those of you who don't know I'm Happy Haddocks sister. A lot has happened over the last week. I've been accused of playing mind games, it's all my fault why my mother is ill and depressed, I've discovered that when my sister falls out with her, she is completely devastated, whereby if she falls out with me, she doesn't care less and on occasions has not spoken to me for up to 2 years! I've just realised what I've wrote there: ('when my sister falls out with her' and 'when my mother falls out with me') I am totally stupid and fall for it every time!!

I will begin with last Wednesday, when I last posted and my mother had fallen out with me. All because I was staying at my sisters house and hadn't told her, I was accused of being a liar? I hadn't lied, I just didn't tell her! I did really well untill Saturday to refrain from ringing her. My darling daughter had been to visit her on Thursday and on Friday night I discovered that within 2 hours, my dd had been roped in to visiting on monday, to put up some curtains for my mother (even though my sister and myself had offered to do this for her last Thursday, but we were told not to come and my dd had turned up one day to do them and was told by my mother that she doesn't like to do things in the afternoons!) She had then arranged for my dd to take her shopping on Tuesday to buy food to cook her and her boyfriend dinner, paint her lounge (which she was going to be paid well for) the offer of help towards buying a car and being given a silver ring to bring home! Not bad for my dd for a 2 hour visit!

Saturday I rang, 1. to put a stop to my dd being influenced by my narcissistic mother and 2. Guilt. Her first words were moody and mad, until I said there was no point being funny as I'd just put the phone down. We then started to have a civil conversation and I felt fully in control and felt pleased with myself. Finishing with me saying I would visit on Monday to take her shopping and take her parcels to the post office (she sells things on ebay) and her wishing me a nice weekend with my sister. It was later that night after telling my sister the conversation, that I realised I had been fooled yet again and she had still managed to manipulate me.

Monday, I visited and everything seemed ok, I took her parcels which have caused so many arguements in the past as she EXPECTS me to take them, twice a week, regardless of anything I might be doing and if I dare to be ill, I'm making it up or being told I'm always ill and it's all in my imagination, I wonder if thats why I take 18 tablets a day to stop my imagination running away with me! With regards to buying food for my dd and boyfriends dinner, "it's too early to buy fresh food, if I'm not cooking until the weekend" When it was time to go I felt it had gone ok, considering I had been dreading it, then just as I was going through the door, she said "are you coming tomorrow?" I replied no, "Oh well I suppose it's asking too much for you to come two days on the run" Why do I bother? Again later that night after relaying the conversation to my sister, she done it again, got all her nasty comments in without me realising.

Tuesday, My sister rang and she'd done it! She had actually dared to stand up for herself and told her to !!!!!! off and put the phone down on her! Of course though, I got a phone call off her absolutely devastated, I'd never heard her cry like that before, like I said before, my sister had never fallen out with her before, she wouldn't of shed a tear if it had been me. I spoke to my sister and asked her to ring her back, she did and as mother didn't like what was said, she put the phone down. I got another phone call then off mother but fuming this time, how dare she be spoken to like that by her daughter, SHE is the mother (maybe if she had tried to be like one, none of this would ever have happened) Then her feel sorry for me voice and tears came back, asking me if I felt the same way and if I did to just leave her alone. I just couldn't do it and very weakly said no, WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her voice changed back to anger then, yet again I had fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

Wednesday, Out of guilt and protecting my dd, I stupidly rang again, she was so happy and upbeat, telling me all that she had done and she had even managed to take her own parcels to the post office (something she couldn't do last week as she was too old) She said that my dd said she might come today, I said, she's still in bed, she went out last night, last comment "She's as bad as you for being in bed" WHY do I bother, WHAT do I do? We are going out for lunch tomorrow with my sister, so hopefully she is going to talk to her. Also dd and her boyfriend are going to have a long wait for their dinner, no mention of going shopping or cooking a dinner for them, she must have forgot, like she forgets many things!

I'm so sorry to have gone on for so long, this is actually my 2nd reply, I accidently deleted the first one, which took me an hour to type!! I did begin to guilty again but after reading all the comments, I feel that angry, I feel like ringing and confronting her???????????

Oh I forgot to say, I've also discovered tonight, that she has a 9ct gold watch, that I bought for her 60th birthday and an emerarld and diamond ring that I bought her from Tenerife for sale on ebay, I wonder if she'll ask me to take those parcels?!! Thank you to anybody who takes the time to read all this.

building_with_lego

I strongly suspect that my mum's mother was a narcissist.
I don't know for sure as she only met us grandchildren once, when we were babies, and the only contact after that was Birthday and Christmas cards until she and my mum fell out for the last time and contact stopped. Mum thought long and hard about whether to attend the funeral but decided to, and discovered that her mother had been meddling in the sibling relationships for years. I only knew one of Mum's brothers, for example, as 'Gran' had told Mum about the horrible things Uncle X had been saying about her. Of course it turned out that Uncle X had been told of the awful things my Mum had said about him... They didn;t speak at all for about 15 years. My Mum's words to me when explaining why we didn't know 'Gran' were, "I didn't want her to poison you like she poisoned me."

At the time I though it all a bit melodramatic but having read this thread, and Meritaten's Narcissism thread a while back, I thank my Mum for protecting her little family from all of this damage. Good luck to all of you.

Triker

When banks and other companies ask me what my mothers (Ha!) maiden name is for security reasons....I usually say Satan. I'm not joking either.:p


OP and others you are not alone re the sadistic and cruel female parents....as I've said before there's always an upside....Mothers Day costs me nowt....:D;)

Mojisola

Scape_Goat wrote: »

I did begin to guilty again but after reading all the comments, I feel that angry, I feel like ringing and confronting her???????????

Seeing it written down will give you some perspective - how about keeping a diary, briefly writing down what happens. Reread it as if someone else had written it, you will then be able to see the manipulation.

After you've written stuff down, distance yourself from it. Compartmentalise your interactions with your mother and shut them off from the rest of your life. This should help in the short-term but I would seriously look at getting some help on how to feel stronger yourself.

If it wasn't for your daughter, it would be best to cut yourself off from your mother but you really need to stay in touch so that your mother doesn't turn your daughter against you.

Stay strong and join forces with your sister. Together you can protect yourselves against this malign force in your life.

MRSTITTLEMOUSE

My mother passed me over to my grandmother as a baby and she's made no secret of telling me on more than one occasion I was the worst thing she ever did (this was one of the nicer things she's said).
I was the eldest of five and although she bonded with the other four and brought them up she was never interested in me.
She even put me into care at 13 when my grandmother died and I had nowhere to go as she did'nt want to take me in.
My mother realy had no time for her other kids either to be honest even though she brought them up and my father always went along with whatever she wanted as he adored her.
Sadly I realised early I could never win as my mother loves no one but herself.
She's always been incredibly vain and age and time has never changed this.
I'll be 57 next birthday and I have only just come to terms with my mother abandoning me,OP I know how much parents can screw you up if you let them.
Don't let them.
Turn your bad experience into something positive.
The one thing my rubbish parents made me intent on having was a close family of my own,so as to show them I did'nt need them anyway.
Best thing you can do is concentrate on yourself and your own family and leave your mother to it.

devildog

Firstly a huge thank you for starting this thread. As previously posted it ill be two years this week that I went no contact. At the time I didn't know about narcisstic mothers, only knew that I had to 'get out' for my emotional well being. It was some months later that I read about golden child/scapegoat etc and my mother's actions began to fall in place, I still didn't totally understand and in my mind made excuses that she is old,ill, not had a brilliant life etc and still had doubts that perhaps it was 'all me'. Since then I have done even more reading and things are really becoming so much more clearer now.

It has been suggested that you keep a diary, from my experience you really don't need to, every single thing that they have done is firmly imprinted into your memory and one day they will crash into your conciousness, wave after wave, relentlessly. It is really tough when that happens.

When I went no contact(and didn't realise the game going on) I made it clear to my eldest (19 at time) that if they wanted to stay in contact with my mum that was ok. They tried to arrange to see her once but was told not to come because mum had made other arrangements and that she would be in touch (she never did) Subsequently I showed eldest a letter mum had written to me which caused the 'no contact' it was a real b***h of a letter which left eldest in tears and said that it was emotional rape. What a powerful statement. They had hit the nail on the head in one short statement.

Scapegoat-you are fortunate that your sister realises the dynamics and is prepared to fight against them. My sis 'the golden child' has fallen for everything, hook,line and sinker I honestly do not believe that she can even think for herself anymore the hold of mum is so great.

Another thing that I have realised along this journey is that-for all of my life I have hated my sister and it is only these past few months that I have come to appreciate that she really is a victim too. That doesn't mean that we will ever have a relationship(no contact with her too) but I understand more.

building with lego-what you said was interesting, mum had not had contact with her mum(and only one of her sisters) for about 42 years. I had contact with my gran, albeit a xmas card and chatty letter once a year. I did ask my gran if she could give me her version of what went on but she never responded to that (and died a few years back) This was before I went no contact with mum. Mum's version is that after my dad died(a few months before my birth) her parents expected her to remain single and bring me up alone. She didn't, she remarried and had sister. She says that they never recognised her 2nd marriage(which lasted a very short time) and therefore never recognised sis and that they would give me 'quality' toys and her cheap ones. I don't know if this was true or not(think I was about 6 when I last saw gran). I think that I am going to try another letter (to my uncle(who lived with gran)) as I really would like to get another perspective on what really happened all those years ago. It sounds like your mum came good (unlike mine) but was mine a victim herself or was she the cause

happyhaddock_2

Such sad stories, thank you all for sharing.

I still do not have any feelings of regret and am finding it liberating to not have to think about what mum is feeling, doing or saying. As my sis said she has spoken to mum since and described her as upbeat and happy, so obviously she hasn't been upset about me for long. Funny how she snaps out of it when she hasn't got an audience!.

Mojisola: My sister is finding it hard to cope with the guilt, even though she knows what mum is doing. She has kept diaries, lot's of them!, when she was at home mum used to find them and read them!. As for sis getting help she has a mental health team dedicated to her and has been in the secure psyhciatric unit more times than i can remember. We are both going to speak to her nurse to get a professional opinion.

Devildog: I can relate to so much in your post. I am in the position now of having ALL the memories that I've kept bottled up for 47 years come pouring out and it is very overwhelming. I think it has been triggered by the death of my Dad and me trying to be the dutiful daughter, when in reality I despise her for what she has done to us .

This thread has been an absolute lifeline with all the help and support we've been given, it has also been quite therapeutic seeing it in black and white and realising that it is not us with the problem. Thank you everyone for not judging us. Just one thing though DD, sorry if I'm reading it wrong, but in your last sentence you say "It sounds like your mum came good" unfortunately in no way, shape or form can my mum be described as good lol!.

Thank you again everyone x.

devildog

No, no no!!!
Sorry, not your mum, building with legos mum!! Her mum didn't want her children poisoned by narcisstic gran!!

Narcisstics imho never come good, afterall there isn't a problem, it's all in our mind