I don't like my mother!

happyhaddock_2

Thanks SL have already considered that one!. I said to sis that she might threaten to 'do something silly' but I'm not going to give in to emotional blackmail. She is a grown woman (as am I, I think!) and whatever she chooses to do is her perogative

It's definately a 'game' though, and one that I am sick to death of playing.

meritaten

Good for you happy!
Youve called her on it - and true to form she immediately rang sis playing the 'poor me' card! exactly what I would expect!
The next step of the game would be to be taken seriously ill and a concerned friend or relative will phone you to come see your poor mum! They will of course, be given 'her' version of events - but one thing is for sure - it wont be the truth!
oh and expect your niece to be played now for all your mum is worth. If she cannot have her daughters under her control - it will be your niece - and she will make it her lifes work now to turn your neice against both of you!
be prepared - you MUST speak to your niece and warn her that matters have have come to a head and you must tell her the truth of whats happened recently. I wouldnt bring up the past at this stage unless you have to!
You and Scape Goat stay strong - you now have each other and are seeing mum clearly - before, you prob didnt realise what she was doing and why!

shelley_crow

I am a fellow daughter of a narcissistic mother.

I spent most of my early life as a whipping boy for my mother. My older brother could do absolutely no wrong, even though his ealy 20s signified failure in every area of his life. He got involved in very morally wrong criminal activities, put zero effort into everything other than aforesaid breaking the law and boozing. I had proof of his criminal doings and the Police were involved. Even when faced with this, the Police were wrong, forensics were wrong and I was the devil incarnate. My dad was an enabler so went along with everything she said.

I ended up cutting myself off from all of them as soon as humanly possible when I was 18 because I couldn't go along with the pretence that everything was ok. I wouldn't spend my life pandering to the fantasy that this was an ideal family, especially given what activities my brother was involved in. I wouldn't let myself be told what to do either and that didn't go down too well. She went so far as to pick a university and a course for me to go to after finishing my A Levels, my views on this were by the by, I was told I WOULD be doing this course at that uni, after that who knows!

I won't lie, it's been quite tough. You will have been conditioned to feel that everything is your fault, this is something you have to work through and luckily you have your sister for support.

I haven't seen my brother for 10 years and my mom for 8. My father passed away a few years ago. I have learned from analysing events in my childhood that there is no hope for a relationship with my mom. She, as other narcissists, will never recognise or acknowledge any wrongdoing on her part. It's impossible to reason with them or otherwise attempt to get them to see the situation from your point of view, it is something they are incapable of.

I wish you the best of luck x

happyhaddock_2

Thanks meritaten, i'm going to speak to my niece this week. I won't be telling her everything that's happened, just what's going on at the moment so she understands why we are behaving like this with mum. It will all come from me so there is no conflict of feelings for her mum. My sister and I are determined not to let mum ruin my niece's life as she has done ours, and yes I am anticipating that mum will now become 'ill'.


Shelley, thank you for that. It seems there are so many people who have been affected by these problems, I have been really amazed by all the replies and shared experiences it's just so sad that there are so many. You're right as well, mum will never admit there is a problem.

meritaten

Happy - I think of these narcissist people as having 'Mary Poppins' Syndrome. They think they are perfect in every way! and they will convince themselves that they were NEVER to blame. Your mum thinks she was the perfect parent and cannot understand why you arent dancing attendance on her and praising her to the skies! Now, once you get your head round that - Then you can understand how she thinks and what her reactions will be. (I bet you already have at least an inkling of this).
There are then two ways to play her - you can go along with her and pander to her - but not letting her 'GET' to you (the way me and SILs did it) or you can call her on it, stick to your guns and cut her out of your lives (you may want to make 'duty' visits once or twice a year). depends on you!

happyhaddock_2

Meritaten, the second option is definately the one that appeals to me, but unfortunately my sister is not able to take that route. She also has to consider her daughter, who despite everything mum has done to us, still has a lot of feelings for her nan and would be devastated to lose contact with her. It's a tricky situation.

meritaten

strange isnt it how the scape goat cannot take the 'cut her out' route? or is it?
scape goats daughter really needs to be in possession of the facts. as SHE is going to work on her.
happy, be very careful here - your neice needs to know your childhood wasnt the Enid Blyton version your mum will present - but, if niece thinks that nan is 'poor nan' she is being drawn in to Mums version. you know your niece - you know how much info to give. I dont envy you - this is a very difficult, very delicate situation.

Ames

My mum said to me a couple of years ago 'oh I'm so glad my two daughters are finally getting on together'. Her tone of voice said otherwise.

Again, so many similarities.

make_me_wise

I have read this thread with interest. I cannot imagine what it must be like for yourself and your sister OP to have lived all your lives with a narcissistic mother.

At this stage of your lives though why cope with all this anymore? Your mother is only ever going to make your lives hell. All her game playing, and verbal viciousness will effect you more and more. Even if you stand your ground and wont take her rubbish any form of contact is going to continue to take its toll on you.

She knows that she still holds control over both yourself and your sister in the form of your niece. She will hold that power over you always if you let her. Who are you protecting by only telling your niece the recent events? Your niece is an adult, someone who deserves to know exactly how things are and what has been done to people she loves.

It is up to you ultimately of course but I dont think you will find true peace and happiness unless you cut ties completely with your mother, explain why to those who matter and move on with your life. When your mother cant effect yourself and your sister she will start this wickedness with your niece and soon turn her against her, if she isn't wise enough to walk away when you speak to her. You can handle things to delicately.

happyhaddock_2

Thank you once again for the replies:

Meritaten: My sister has always gone running back to my mum like a hurt puppy, even though she has been treated far worse than me throughout her life. I think she just craves the approval, love and affection that she is never going to get from mum.

Ames: Mum has said this a few times just lately and we both know it is just not true, the words may come out of her mouth but the tone of her voice and body language convey a completely different message.

MMW: I have woken up this morning at peace with myself with no feelings of regret or remorse about what I said to mum yesterday, so I guess I have taken the right decision for me. I am seeing my niece tomorrow so will just play it by ear as to how much information to divulge, as I said to my sis I don't want to burst her bubble but she needs to know why we are acting lilke this around mum. As you say she is an adult and once she knows all the facts will be able to come to her own decision. I'm just so glad that I'm not in this position with my own children as luckily they never had that much contact with her.

Just an update from yesterday as well. Mum rang my sis later in the day absolutely fuming. She said she was no longer upset but was extremely angry that I had spoken to her in that manner. "SHE is the mother and she is not going to be dictated to by her daughter's", were her exact words!!