I don't like my mother!

Mojisola

happyhaddock wrote: »

So to my actual question. I don't feel as if I want to see her or have any contact with her but is this a really bad way to feel because Dad is no longer there and I feel a sense of duty. I feel like I could happily cease contact as she hasn't been there for much of my life but does that make me a bad person?

This seems a very rational and reasonable thing to want.

Your mother doesn't need to keep drinking or to cause trouble between you and your sister but she has made the choice to do so. You are not responsible for the choices of another adult and don't need to feel guilty if you don't want her toxic presence in your life.

Mrs_De_Bris

I broke all contact with my mother. She was both physically and emotionally abusive to me and my brothers during childhood and to me as an adult. She was very controlling and had to have her own way on everything. I left home to go to university but had to relocate back to the family home years later when my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Mother refused to nurse him and so I put my life on hold to be his full time carer for three months. During that time my mother was never home, claiming she could not stand to be near "sick people" (they had been married for over 40 years). It turned out that she was actually having an affair with a guy from the local social club, this continued beyond my father's death.

I came home one day to find an empty house, she had booked a removal van and emptied the place in order to move in with this guy, I didn't even have a chair to sit on. She told her sisters, and friends that I had thrown her out (the house they lived in was mine). It was a total lie told only so that people would not think less of her. She was telling people "Oh I had to move in with this guy as DD had put me out on the street". This act meant that none of my aunts and uncles would speak to me and one of my brothers who lived out of town believed her and we have not spoken now for 12 years. Thankfully the other two brothers did not believe her as they had witnessed what had gone on, and the three of use are very close.

This was the point I broke contact with her. Friends would say to me that I would regret it, that I would feel guilty if/when she died. She did die, 7 years ago. Call me heartless but I did not shed a tear for that woman, I did not go to the funeral, I have no happy memories of childhood. I have never looked back since the day I cut the ties, I have been MUCH happier, as have my two brothers who also ended their relationship with her. I only wish that I had done it sooner.

Ames

Wow, I could have written that myself, except I'm 30 and single. My mum was an alcoholic and very good at playing people off against each other, the worst thing was that even though we knew it my sister and I still sometimes fell for it.

She died in April, and in the last six months when she was ill we mended a lot of bridges - she even apologised for something which I'd never, ever heard her do before.

I agree with the others about cutting off contact. If your life will be better then go for it. But a word of warning - my sister did that and has been pretty badly affected by her death. She didn't get to mend bridges, and so she has a lot of bad feeling still built up. So have I, to be honest. It's really hard though to work out what are 'she's dead' issues with 'she messed my life up' issues. So I'd only do it if you have a good suport network around you, which it sounds like you have in your hubby.

Good luck - even though cutting contact seems a passive thing to do, I think it's actually a lot harder than just putting up with the odd phonecall and visit.

mangomangotree

Your mother and mine should go out for a drink. My mother (and I use that term loosely) was a neglectful emotionally abusive alcoholic for years and years. She also lied to me about my father, and now lies about that fact she's a liar. She spend all my life telling me my dad didn't want me, and that he never even tried to call when her and her family didn't let him. Anyway. When she is in my life, I am miserable. She still treats me like garbage. I don't really talk to her. When life is so short, why waste it with these people? You have no obligation to her at all. As mean as it sounds, when it comes to the time my mother needs care, she better sort herself out because I will not be there. Why would I want to spend all of the time and money on someone who enjoyed my misery for most of my life? Do what makes you happy.

happyhaddock_2

Wow everyone, you've taken my breath away!. I never thought I would get such a response, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and share your experiences. It certainly shows that it is more common than I thought.

The funny thing is around my 40th birthday she was taken into hospital because of her drinking and we were actually told to prepare for the worst as she wouldn't last the weekend, it really was that bad. By some miracle she did survive and actually stopped drinking completely for about 3 years. During that time she made an effort to see my kids at their birthdays, xmas etc, whereas previously it'd just been a card in the post, my youngest two hardly knew who she was!. The thing is it really upset and angered me as for the first time I could see what we'd missed out on, she could be nice but she'd wasted so much time.

Once the drinking started again, slowly at first, but really bad again since Dad died, that's when the nastiness started again. Although it's never stopped for my poor sister, mum was horrible to her even after the funeral. I think it's because she knows I won't stand for it that she takes it out on my sister, and makes her life a misery. My sister's over 40 as well but mum treats her like a child still.

I suppose the main thing I'm worried about, and a few people have touched on this, is what happens when she dies. I've said to my husband people are goinng to think I'm really odd because I won't be upset, but what if I really regret what I've done and it'll be too late?.

Thanks again for all the replies, this is the first time I've spoken about this except to my husband and sister, my Mum would be mortified if she knew, appearance is everything you see.

McKneff

It makes me feel so very sad that mothers and fathers can treat their children in such a way.
I have always thought a mothers love unconditional, I suppose I can only say that's me and my way.

I wish each one of you much love from your children, cant say any more than that.

happyhaddock_2

Totally agree with you Mckneff, especially now I have children of my own. I wouldn't dream of treating them how we were. They all get the same unconditional love, no favourites. I'm proud to say that my wonderful children are happy and have had a normal upbringing and there is a lot of love in our family. Though sometimes I don't know how I've achieved it, as I have limited emotions, think this is what makes it worse where my own childhood is concerned, the big question is WHY?

Thanks x

Mayflower10cat

Happyhaddock, your relationship with your Mum sounds uncannily like the abusive and ultimately destructive relationship my dear and very oldest friend endured for nearly fifty years. Going back more than thirty five years to our school days, her much loved Dad had divorced her Mum for unreasonable behaviour and late at night after a few drinks, she would scream and shout about him and what a rat he'd been and how men were all b*stards. This to her twelve year old daughter. (I only learned the full story fairly recently, as my friend was loyal to her Mum and never revealed how she really was.) Her Mum would drink herself to sleep and have to be put to bed. In the day everything would be normal. My friend left home finally in her early thirties, having endured years of being her Mothers keeper. She met and fell in love with a woman and they were married in a civil ceremony. (Her mother didn't go to the ceremony despite being invited. She never even referred to her partner.) Tragically her partner was later diagnosed with breast cancer and after a horrid battle of some four years, finally died at home with her family and my friend holding her. Not a single card of sympathy or a call from my friends Mum to her grieving daughter. The only thing she said, some months later when my friend went back home to visit her as she'd not been well was; 'well, now you can just come back home and look after me......' My friend, very wisely, refused. Her Mum died about four years ago. My friend said to me recently; am I such a terrible person that I can honestly say I'm glad she's dead? I said, no my dear, you're just human. And I'm delighted to say that my very dear friend has since met a lovely woman who shares her love of the outdoors, travelling and of good food and wine and they announced a few weeks ago that they were planning on tying the knot.

I'm very proud of my friend for cutting herself free from a toxic relationship that would have poisoned her, too. And that she has had Counselling which has shown her a better way forward and that the past doesn't have to be repeated.

happyhaddock_2

Oh Mayflower what a sad story, so glad it's got a happy ending.

I know just where your friend is coming from, how everything had to appear normal so mum could convince herself it was. As I say appearance is everything, even now. I can remember the fights my mum and dad used to have, dad slept on the settee for over 2 years! However mum will never admit these things happened, she has completely rewritten history in her head.

I'm glad your friend managed to find peace after her mum died, I think that is probably one of the only things holding me back from cutting her off

Tuesday_Tenor

Kay_Peel wrote: »

If I were you, I would return to the state of affairs before the death of your father - minimal contact from grandchildren, no shopping expeditions or visits. I would stop her in her tracks when she starts to drip, drip, drip her spiteful manipulative lies into your ear and play mind games with you. Give her short shrift.

If you cease contact completely she will blame your sister. If you have bare minimum contact (ie hardly any), in which you are aloof and unaffected by her attempts to drive a wedge between sisters, then this approach will send her a clear message. It also leaves you with no guilt whatsoever - and you could do without being made to feel guilty for being normal.

I'd agree with this. 'Never speaking to her again' would give her the sort of drama she seems to crave, and you might feel guilty for taking such a 'final' step.

I'd go for 'Extremely Minimal Contact'. Your don't want her behaviour as part of your daily life and you DON'T have to put up with it.
So, answer phone calls, but keep them short; send birthday and Christmas cards; be polite but distant; don't arrange any visits to/from her for yourself, only occasional visits focussed on grandchldren maintaining a relationship; let her know if you move. If she wants more contact you'll have to be explicit and firm why you don't. IF she changes (but she won't) you have an avenue for contact.

The grandchildren, when adults, are then free to choose whatever relationship they want with her. As you are now. Get on with and enjoy what's important in your life. Your mother's problems aren't part of this; you've helped her as much as anyone could.

Best wishes. My own parents were difficult. Mum was the manipulative one and had great difficulty relating to her children as adults. Dad had been severely mentally damaged by the war. However, they had done their best to care for us as young children, so despite problems we were able to keep 'duty' channels open in adulthood. I'm so glad we did as after Mum died I was able to have a few years much better relationship with Dad. However, from what you say, I don't think you owe any 'duty' to your mother.