MODS - please delete thread

DVardysShadow

alias*alibi wrote: »

It's run it's course and as another poster said it's like picking at a scab which will never heal if I keep revisiting it.

You came on here with a made for the thread alias. SO it is not like it will embarrass you for other activities in here. Most, if not all, posters have put effort into giving a genuine and well meant response to your situation. The scab problem is in your head. So you will solve it by dealing with it in your head, not by having posts deleted here - many of which make points which will dog you anyway until you see the sense in them - hopefully sooner rather than later.

Welshwoofs

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Jeez, I've read some patronising, pontificating clap-trap but this takes the biscuit.

You haven't met the Scorned Women, AA has. What evidence do you have that the OP is deluded or a liar? None whatsoever.

And as for no solidarity amongst the "He's-A-Scumbag-And-How-Dare-He-Turn-His-Back-On-A-Baby" group - do me a favour! :whistle:

Firstly, I haven't called the Op a liar - you've just invented that. I said I didn't believe that she's a demented psychopath and that the husband has probably played up her bad sides JUST as he did to the OW about the op. I've not read anything that persuades me that she's demented; but quite a lot of stuff that points to her being massively !!!!!! off - rightly or wrongly. Everyone's entitled to an opinion; that's mine.

Sharing an opinion doesn't equate to solidarity - there's people on this thread whose opinion I agree with on this subject whom I've vehemently disagreed with on others.

Thanks for your polite comments though ;-)

Welshwoofs

alias*alibi wrote: »

Wow. That's some revenge! Yes I know about doing stuff in the heat of the moment and have come close but stopped short.

Yup it was. Not one of my proudest moments that's for sure and one I obviously don't broadcast.....but I think it's a good example of where hate can lead.

I think if you really focus on your counselling you can get the anger down. In my case I now bear no malice whatsoever for the women my OH had flings with; in fact quite the opposite. I now know he fed them utter bull about us being separated, so they had no idea I was even in the picture. Now I feel pity for them because he told them all he loved them and that they were 'special' - in fact at one point he cut and paste the same message to two of them! I don't hate him either; I just view him as rather weak and pathetic

Oldernotwiser

Kimberley wrote: »

I would never take a man back if he had an affair because you can bet he will do it again, maybe not for a year or two but he will cheat on you again. Those type of men can never change and you cannot change them no matter how hard you try.
.

All men (and all women) are capable of infidelity in certain circumstances; there is no "type" and everybody is capable of change.

whitewing

No one is backing the OW. But not all of your comments towards her are valid and posters are pointing that out for your own good.

Everyone thinks your husband has f* ed up monumentally. Opinions are divided as to whether you should stay with him. I personally think it is worth a try as I think people can mess up, acknowledge it and rebuild something worthwhile. (But there are a lot of people who can't so be a little careful).

Everyone, including you, agrees the baby is innocent. It is no surprise that people are fighting for the baby. It also isn't a suprise that you and husband are finding its existence almost impossible to deal with. I certainly would. I don't know how I would move on from this if I were you without actually meeting the baby. I am used to coping with things by not acknowledging them but continually worrying about them in the back of my mind. For me, the emotion and suppression would be strong enough that the phone ringing or a brown envelope plopping on the doormat would flash a suicidal thought in my head, and all associated shame, anger etc etc. It is only by facing something that I can move on.

Kimberley

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

All men (and all women) are capable of infidelity in certain circumstances; there is no "type" and everybody is capable of change.

Well I for one know people who have never cheated on their partners and never will so I don't agree that everyone is capable of it. Leopards never change their spots, once a cheater always a cheater. A partner may think their other half has changed but many cheat for years before being found out. I wouldn't trust anyone 100% if they had cheated but then again I wouldn't stay with anyone who cheated.

Ziggazee

OMG....this thread is ridiculous. The OP needs to remember that the OW owed her nothing......it was her HUSBAND that owed her.....he married her, promised to be faithful to her, etc. It is him that has f*cked up, chosen to have unprotected sex with another woman and him that wants to run away from his responsibilities. If he didn't want children with the OW then he should have taken precautions.

OP, if you've decided to believe your husband's lies and take him back then do so at your own risk, but please don't expect people to back you up. He f*cked up, lied to you, your daughter and the OW!!

SingleSue

alias*alibi wrote: »

Newcook; husband told me she wanted kids with her ex but as he had 3 from a previous marriage he didn't want anymore. On one of the telephone conversations I've had with the OW when she found out she was pregnant she said to me 'this isn't what I planned to happen as I don't want kids'...so who knows who was telling the truth.

Edited to say she found out on boxing day she was pregnant; apparently they were going to the boxing day sales until she found out she was pregnant then she spent the day at home depressed and my husband went to his parents. Says it all how much that pregnancy was wanted.

Just as a little extra....when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child it sent me into a deep depression. I even refused to discuss the fact I was pregnant with anyone and I certainly was not overjoyed at the fact.

But, it all changed within a few months (it helped the hospital saying they wouldn't let things go so wrong this time) and by the time he was born, he was very much wanted.

So, sometimes there can be an initial 'oh begger' times before acceptance of the situation.

splishsplash

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

All men (and all women) are capable of infidelity in certain circumstances; there is no "type" and everybody is capable of change.

i'm quite sure we are all capable of murder and robbery too.
There's a world of difference between 'being capable of' and 'engaging in'. While we are all certainly faced with choices, MOST remember the vows they took and honour them. MOST walk away from potential disaster situations without a second glance.

Without a doubt, anyone who chooses to go ahead and be unfaithful has already left the marriage far behind anyway.

Like any new behaviours, the first time is the hardest, after that, the pattern is there, the mindset that allows someone to rationalize what they're doing is learned, and so it is easier to repeat the behaviour.

So it is entirely reasonable to expect the OP to realise that her husband may revert to this type of thinking in the future... or revert to 'type'.

splishsplash

alias*alibi wrote: »

[snip]...
I am angry on here because whether I've read it rightly or wrongly people are viewing me badly because i don't want anything to do with the baby...[snip]

I don't think anyone views you badly at all. Some have had problems with your husband's attitude to the baby, I think maybe you're taking their reactions a bit personally?
I think you've been through a very horrible time, I think you've been faced with some tough decisions, and I think you're trying the best you can to do what's best for your family.
I commend you for that, but I feel bad that you're still struggling with your decisions months later.
I'm afraid you're making a rod for your own back, and I think you need to work on really letting go of the hurt and the anger as you continue on in the marriage.

I know you want to close the thread, but most have given you some good advice, even if you can't see it at the moment. Would it be an idea to print off the thread before it disappears, put it away in a drawer, and read through it again later on when you've put a bit of distance behind you?

Again, really wishing you well in whatever path you choose.