Knowing where your child is

Bumpmakesfour

Marisco wrote: »

I'd be bloody insulted if my daughter or gd mother (son's ex) laid down the law as to what I could or couldn't do with my grandchildren!! It would mean they don't think very much of me, to have common sense enough not to do anything detrimental to the kids!! What would happen if she said "I'm not sure" would you refuse to let them go until you knew exactly where they were going?

She isn't laying down the law where her child can go...she's asking a perfectly reasonable question and the MIL is being awkward and refusing to tell her..again.There IS a difference.

Marisco

mrcow wrote: »

Sorry no.

If someone is actively refusing to tell you where they are taking your children because of some sort of power trip, then sorry, they are not going anywhere.

Maybe as a grandparent, that's hard to hear. But the fact of the matter is that a grandparent doesn't get to decide whether or not a parent should know where their own child is.

Yes, but we don't know what's gone on before this do we? On the surface it does sound weird, but what I'm getting at is, if she said this for the last 6.5 years, why has the op allowed her to take them? This should have been nipped in the bud from day 1. If it's just started recently, again why? Is MIL fed up of the constant questioning before she takes them anywhere, "where are you going, what will you do", etc etc. Did MIL say she was taking them somewhere and changed her mind when they were out, and op went ballistic when they came back? So now she is reluctant to say anything at all. I'd love to hear MIL side of it!!!:D

mummyroysof3

i bet it would go along the lines of ' im grandma when i look after them im in charge sod their mums feelings'

at least ive thought of her feelings and didnt say years ago that she cant take them like ive felt like doing many times

Spendless

At what point would you feel happy though about them going? Your MIL has said they are going to <insert town's name> and you aren't comfortable with that. If she says she's taking them shopping, would you want to know which shop/s? Last time she said she would take them to park A or park B and you weren't happy with not knowing which. It really sounds like there's far more going on than we are party to knowing and we don't find out any further cos when asked if you can explain further what your issues are we just get the answer 'cos I'm the mum'. At no point have you said last time she took them to an 18 movie/lap-dancing/strolling round the red light district at dusk, where we could actually sympathise with your problems. I'd guess at control and/or anxiety issues causing problems and hope it gets resolved for you.

mrcow

Marisco wrote: »

Yes, but we don't know what's gone on before this do we? On the surface it does sound weird, but what I'm getting at is, if she said this for the last 6.5 years, why has the op allowed her to take them?

Who can say?

In my case.....

It took my 6 years of my MIL before I finally told her to push off. Sometimes we put up with things for the sake of keeping the peace and then something will happen which is the final straw. The sad thing is, who loses out the most? It's certainly not me or my kids for sure. We're much better at arm's length than putting up with a narcissistic bully who thinks they can manipulate and control what others should do.

Perhaps I should have said something at the outset, but these things don't always work that way....it can take years of escalation before you turn around one day and realise what the heck is going on.

DVardysShadow

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

... i dont really understand what you mean either about alpha female thing cos imo in this house i am alpha arent i?

Alpha females don't normally have to ask if they are alpha females ....

DVardysShadow

mrcow wrote: »

Sorry no.

If someone is actively refusing to tell you where they are taking your children because of some sort of power trip, then sorry, they are not going anywhere.

Maybe as a grandparent, that's hard to hear. But the fact of the matter is that a grandparent doesn't get to decide whether or not a parent should know where their own child is.

At the heart of this is trust.

If you trust whoever is taking your kids out, then maybe you don't need to know where they are going. But if you don't entirely trust them, then you do need to know.

And you can't be ordered to give your trust. Or be told you are wrong for not giving it.

mummyroysof3

maybe due to the lies,secrecy and some imo poor judgement i dont trust her and your right i cant be ordered to trust her i think she needs to prove she can be trusted..ive been trying hard to trust her but i just cant on some things though as they just never get resolved as i dont say anything to her about it as the one time i have she didnt see she had done wrong and didnt speak to me for months

DVardysShadow

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

maybe due to the lies,secrecy and some imo poor judgement i dont trust her and your right i cant be ordered to trust her i think she needs to prove she can be trusted..ive been trying hard to trust her but i just cant on some things though as they just never get resolved as i dont say anything to her about it as the one time i have she didnt see she had done wrong and didnt speak to me for months

It is not your problem to trust her. Don't let that fall on you. It is her problem to make herself trusted by you.

mummyroysof3

i just dont know where to go from here tbh as what ever i do in her eyes will be wrong