DD wore my perfume!

basketcase

kafkathecat wrote: »

Hi Kaz, you are obvioulsy doing a good job because your daughter wants to be you! You are her hero! I can't speak for anyone else but I wanted to put across a different view of punishment. You don't have to punish a child to teach them. I have never punished my son for anything and in general he is a pleasure to be around. I think, in part, it is luck as he is a lot like his dad but most of the major upsets we have had have been ironed out by talking. Imho sometimes the lesson that is learnt from punishment is not always the one you are trying to teach eg. don't get caught. With parenting we are all just doing our best, good luck.

I think maybe OP meant discipline, rather than 'punishment'.

OTOH, talking doesn't seem to have had much effect in this situation, so far, so I understand the frustration...

basketcase

January20 wrote: »

I remember the 1st time I realised my dd was able to lie to me. I was so shocked and hurt and felt betrayed because foolishly I thought she always told the truth. It took months for me to trust her again.

I remember the one and only time I lied to my mother. It was also denying I'd done something that I patently had. Lying was one of the very few instant 'smacking offences' in my house.

Don't remember what I "hadn't done". Don't remember getting the smack!

I do remember her saying "I hate liars. You can never trust a liar. You can trust a thief in certain situations. But once a person's lied to you, you never know if it's the truth this time or not."

It was the italicised bit that put me off! Heavy duty, but true...

ellies_angel

how I laughed when I read all those comments from other people telling you it's only perfume. I moved in with my now husband, his son and daughter. She at the age of 15 (then) felt it was absolutely fine to wander in and out our bedroom at her will for nothing other than a wee nosey about. I challenged her about it and was told she was allowed, she had always done it.
Listening to the stories of her growing up, she was allowed into her late mum and dads room, to come and go as she pleased. Her raking through their personal belongs (and believe me she would have had to rake) came accross her brother and sisters adoption certificate. She had a wee shot of her mums nail polish - result new bedroom carpet. She decided to do some etching on the bathroom mirror with her diamond ring. This was never challenged because........she's just little.
At almost 20 she still does the same. Her dad had to buy a safe so that he could put things which he didn't want her to see out of her way because unless its in the safe, believe me she would hunt till she found it. I have makeup dissapear, clothes, all of which she hasn't touched or borrowed. Last year, her grandmother had expensive jewellery go missing only for her to turn up wearing it telling her "but you gave it to me" as her grandmother told me, she will get it when I've gone, I would never had given it to her now. Her brother got a 6 pack of lynx for christmas, her boyfriend ran out so she just helped herself to his. She borrowed his camera cause she couldn't be are*ed going upstairs to get her own............and lost it. She didn't ask and when challenged her reply was, well he doesn't use it. I had some really expensive tights I had bought to wear to a wedding, she wanted tights so just helped herself (and yes she had plenty of her own but just fancied mine). She will look you in the eye and deny all knowledge or if she does admit to it it with a "god it's only tights what the big deal" the big deal is they were £16, you never asked and I have no chance of you replacing them.
May be the little things weren't a big deal when she was little, but they weren't addressed and now at the age of almost 20 they are a big deal.

[Deleted User]

ellie's angel that is shocking! im surprised her parents allowed that to progress that far.

my boy is 4 and yesterday my husband had some white paint out that he was using and he left the lid on the patio on the garden (stupidly), out son decided to put some white paint on the inside of his garden tractor wheels with his fingers. whilst caught in the act he then denied it and said the paint jumped off the lid and onto the tractor by itself.

result was his hands were quickly washed and he was sent to his room for 4 mins. Then I explained to him i wasn't so much cross about painting the wheels than i was his lying about it. I then drew him in for a hug and talked about what happened to me at his age when I lied (smacked bum) and said whilst i wasnt going to do that I was going to remove a favourite toy to my room for a day. He was then presented with a bucket of soapy water and a sponge to clean off the paint before it properly dried.

Today when he was playing I had left a bucket of water and the mop out, whilst i went to the loo, when i returned the floor was wet and sodden with some lego in the middle of the puddle. I said to them both "who's touched the mop and bucket?" son hestitated then said it was him. I thanked him for telling the truth and even though he had touched what he shouldn't have done, i was proud of him for not lying about it.

No i'm under no illusions he won't ever lie to me again, but i want to instill in him that i will be more cross about the lying than i would be the action he did.

Like some one else said you can't trust a liar and that goes into adulthood.

OP I totally understand your situation and i think in that situation you are perfectly justified to be annoyed. But its happened and dealt with. I've not fully caught up with all the posts but has your daughter learnt from it?

3v3

Kaz2904 wrote: »

...
I'm sorry that I'm the only person on here who is trying to discipline my child ..... If you all reread the original post, I think you will see that it is not actually about the perfume as I said in that opening post...

I think you are being a bit unfair to the posters who did take your stance on discipline in context Plus, offered their advice Clearly you are not the only person/parent who is endeavouring to discipline their child in ethical issues!

I think you are also being unfair upon yourself and equally unfair on the readers of this thread: this is not the first time you have asserted that it is *not* about the perfume, but about the lying aspect ... yet, by your own postings, both in the OP and in a subsequent post, your focus on the perfume was 4 times greater than your focus on the lying I don't say that to be contentious; merely to keep things in perspective.

I do not think you are a bad parent; I do think your reaction and subsequent handling of the situation could do with a touch of re-balance (?) and I do think that you could easily implement simple things to ensure this is not a repeat performance - thus saving your anxiety levels/possessions, and also saving your DD any unnecessary faux pas/transgressions/lectures

Reasoning with *anyone* can be a difficult objective (even self-opinionated adults ) so I do find trying to work through elongated chats with a child trying to link adult logic with their child (ish!) behaviour a fruitless task: far better a pithy response aimed at the nub of the issue

I can appreciate that this thread has put your parenting skills (and perceptions!) under the spotlight and, naturally, you are feeling defensive. Please do not let your defence mechanisms shield you from the sage advice that has been offered (and that includes your reaction and sense that you are the only one trying to discipline your child ).

I'm of the brigade who thinks you over-reacted and when you did try to deal with it afterwards, went into information overload: for all that, it is plain to see that you are trying your hardest to get it right (even though I think you shot yourself in the foot): no one can doubt you have the best interests of your child at heart

Lower your shield; there has been sage advice offered, take a step back, read it for what it is worth! Try not to automatically assume it is given as a criticism Logic dictates you are clearly *not* the only person on here trying to discipline their child to have an ethical, moral core of standards and self-discipline

*deep breaths*

Bitsy_Beans

Kaz if it's bothering you why not mail one of the board guides and ask them to lock the thread.

Blue_Elephant

I'm lost... Was following this thread at the beginning and I don't understand half the posts.

I've always been "allowed" in mum and dads room, partly because when I was a small child and had the box room, my clothes lived in there!

I was also under strict instructions never to open *their* wardrobes/cupboards. At least not unless they were there anyroad.

I struggle to understand how people are so keen for kids to grow up on the one hand, with adult pastimes and sexualised clothing/make up and generally not letting kids be kids, yet treating kids with complete lack of intelligence. Contrary to popular belief children aren't stupid. In fact I tend to credit kids with a lot more common sense than most adults!

the OPs DD must have known she shouldn't have done it, or she wouldn't have bothered lying about it. The fact she lied probably hurts more though. Both issues needed dealing with, or the poor child will never "get it". And kids generally don't get it the first time, or even the hundredth, but eventually they will, you have to keep trying.

Good luck to the OP. I don't think you're an ogre, or any of the really random things you've been accused of!

barbiedoll

A not-quite 10 year old wearing make-up? And perfume??

OP, you're clearly a TERRIBLE parent!

Although not as bad as me. DS and I were in my bedroom one afternoon, sorting out a couple of my drawers. He went to a drawer that DH keeps all of our old phones and chargers in and "found" an *adult* dvd that we'd forgotten was there. :eek::eek::eek:

He'd obviously seen it there before and he gave it to me and said.."Mum, what's this film, can I watch it?" with a big innocent look. I had to grab it from him and lie that it had been left there by the previous occupiers (a couple of lesbians who had moved out 8 years earlier!!)

I threw it in the bin and gave him a big lecture about how he wasn't to go snooping around in our bedroom any more. Then I gave DH a big lecture about leaving it around for DS to find. (Then I fished it out of the bin and watched it......:rotfl:)

MarilynMonroe_2

(Then I fished it out of the bin and watched it......)

pmsl nice one :rotfl:

Mojisola

gugushui wrote: »

If I didn't want something touched I would store it out of reach anyway.

By the time my kids were this age, I expected them to respect other people's belongings. Why should I have to live in my home as if I was living with untrustworthy strangers and protect my belongings all the time?