DD wore my perfume!

QuackQuackOops

Kaz2904 wrote: »

Thanks newcook (and everyone else who has replied this morning). I have indeed sprayed her spray. Well, DH did. He got her to bring down the spray she is trying to convince everyone she is wearing. The one she brought down is FCUK pure (the green one) which is a more citrus scent. It smells nothing like the perfume.
When we went up to bed last night, the room still smells really strongly of perfume (as does the whole of the upstairs of the house). She came downstairs this morning still reeking of it. I asked her about it again (really proud of myself that I haven't shouted at her once about this whole topic actually ) and she is still denying all knowledge.
I have explained to her again that it's not really about the perfume. I have said I would like her to ask before she touches my stuff. I've pointed out how expensive the perfume is and said that sometimes we just want something that is "just ours". That doesn't mean she'll never be allowed to wear it but that it would be when I offer it to her and 1 squirt. I have pointed out that she has plenty of her own sprays which she is free to spray around as much as she likes. She said that I have borrowed her spray and I pointed out to her that I may have used it about twice but only with her permission and I have always asked first if I want to borrow any of her stuff.
She is still lying and I have told her that when I pick her up from school today I want her to provide me with a reasonable explanation as to how both she and the upstairs of the house smell like the perfume has exploded all over them. I have said that she must not lie about it. I have also told her that if she continues to lie then she won't be going to the party. I know the Mum of her friend and we have both worked together before. This friends Mum collared me at work one night to ask about some lies her daughter had told her which I asked DD about and we were able to clear up so I know she won't think too badly of me if I stop DD from going due to lying.
DH has had a word with her too about it and he is not happy that she's lying.

I suppose that what I'm struggling with the most is the fact that she is now lying to me without even looking like she's lying. What happened to my little girl who couldn't lie without putting her hand over her mouth? She's not a bad girl and I don't want her to grow up into a liar. I don't want to have all the issues which can happen as a teen. Surely what we teach them now at this age is really important to their development into adults?
I remember having a conversation with a friend about what would happen when your parents got to 3. Neither of us knew because it never happened.
I can't have been too bad as a teenager I don't think. I remember my Aunty, Uncle and cousin going away on holiday when I was 18. I couldn't go with them because I was working. My Aunty was really concerned that I'd have a party and trash the house like a friend of mine did until I pointed out to her that her house was full of nick nacks that I really didn't have the time or inclination to try and hide and stop being damaged especially as I was working full time. (The worst thing that happened was me having my friends boyfriend (and her obv)over the night after they went away to get rid of all of the massive spiders which had appeared in the bathroom overnight the first night on my own :eek: and I think that they both left by 10pm

You are acting way OTT over this issue and all you are going to do is make your daughter afraid of you. You are pushing her to lie more bbecause of this over-reaction to something so petty.

She is 9. She does not understand that a squirt of perfume is a bad thing and that is all she can see. You can metion lying over and over again until you are blue in the face, she still won't understand.

If she were 13 or 14 then you would have a point but at 9 you are actually doing more harm than good.
A simple "I have asked you before not to use my items, please do not do it again" is all that is needed. You have made a massive issue out of it. Last night, this morning and following it on after school too!
No wonder she is afraid of opening up to you.

moomoomama27

QuackQuackOops wrote: »

You are acting way OTT over this issue and all you are going to do is make your daughter afraid of you. You are pushing her to lie more bbecause of this over-reaction to something so petty.

She is 9. She does not understand that a squirt of perfume is a bad thing and that is all she can see. You can metion lying over and over again until you are blue in the face, she still won't understand.

If she were 13 or 14 then you would have a point but at 9 you are actually doing more harm than good.
A simple "I have asked you before not to use my items, please do not do it again" is all that is needed. You have made a massive issue out of it. Last night, this morning and following it on after school too!
No wonder she is afraid of opening up to you.

She's 9 not 2!

I would be seriously worried if a 9 year old couldn't understand that lying is bad, and asking permission to use something that belongs to someone else is what's expected!

Sambucus_Nigra

Anyone else want to tell the OP AGAIN that she overreacted? I don't think there have been quite enough OMGs yet.

January20

For those who say she doesn't understand what her mother is trying to teach her, because she is 9 (soon to be 10 isn't she?) the age of criminal responsibility in the uk is 10 year old (I believe).



Lol Sambucus Nigra! I have been trying so hard not to get annoyed with those posts! Obviously, the Little Emperor Syndrome is alive and well!

QuackQuackOops

Kaz2904 wrote: »

DH thinks that I should just drop it (I spoke to him when he came home at lunch time). Thing is, his brother was 10 years older than him so he wouldn't have been nicking his stuff as a child and (as his Dad died when he was 8) there was no man around for him to pinch mans things from. I don't think his Mum's perfume had the same appeal to him ! His Mum made a comment the other day about something she should have stopped him doing and then said she didn't because she had to pick her battles being the only parent.

A pp asked if I didn't teach her the value of special things (or words to that effect) when she was younger. Oh boy did I try! If I had a penny for the amount of times I said about how Mummy's jewellery was special and expensive and I didn't mind her looking but she mustn't try to wear it as so and so got broken and I was sad. The last thing that got broken was my locket. She tried to pull it on over her head and snapped the catch. The first thing she broke was my silver belt buckle when she was 2. We explained that she mustn't touch again and that I would have to pay to get it repaired. Explained it was a gift to Mummy for a special thing (a gift from my Aunty when I qualified) and that I was sad that it was broken.
Her issue is that she just doesn't think. She has no forward planning. She doesn't think about consequences of her actions and just bumbles on with her original plan of action.
Occasionally we are able to catch her in the midst of one of these paths of destruction and we try to lead her down the path of "and what would happen next? And then?" Until she reaches the natural conclusion in her head. She doesn't seem to have an internal monologue IYSWIM whereas DS does.
She's not malicious but still. Never saw that stand up in court and don't want her to get to that stage. Hence teh trying to get it sorted out whilst it is still her pinching a few squirts of perfume and lying about it.

Quite obvious what the problems are. You expect your DD to act like an adult and have an adults way of reasoning when she is physically unable to do that when she is 2 ....2 for goodness sake!!

When you have 2 year olds running around the place, you do not leave things laying around which you do not want broken. How can you possibly complain about your items being broken by your DD when it is YOU acting irresponsibly by leaving things in her way??

No-one in their right mind would leave a gun laying around and expect a child not to touch it just because they had been told "Don;t touch that". The trust would not be an issue and the gun would be somewhere where a child could not reach it.
It may not be the same but you are expecting the same principle from a child.

Your DH is right. You ought to drop it because you are causing your DD problems with your mixed messages.

moomoomama27

QuackQuackOops wrote: »

Quite obvious what the problems are. You expect your DD to act like an adult and have an adults way of reasoning when she is physically unable to do that when she is 2 ....2 for goodness sake!!

When you have 2 year olds running around the place, you do not leave things laying around which you do not want broken. How can you possibly complain about your items being broken by your DD when it is YOU acting irresponsibly by leaving things in her way??

No-one in their right mind would leave a gun laying around and expect a child not to touch it just because they had been told "Don;t touch that". The trust would not be an issue and the gun would be somewhere where a child could not reach it.
It may not be the same but you are expecting the same principle from a child.

Your DH is right. You ought to drop it because you are causing your DD problems with your mixed messages.

Bit desperate having to dredge up one comment made, which I took as back story!

I think it's a bit different to a loaded gun :rotfl::rotfl:

Louise03

I read this the other day............and its still going on. I agree with all the others who said the OP reaction far out-weighed the supposed "crime". The OP came across as a spoilt petulant child, even after the event, when she was told how extreme her reaction was she still cross questioned the poor child. It was a little fib over a squirt of perfume. I think the OP comes across as jealous of her daughter and sounds more to me like a wicked step-mother.

Sambucus_Nigra

Louise03 wrote: »

I read this the other day............and its still going on. I agree with all the others who said the OP reaction far out-weighed the supposed "crime". The OP came across as a spoilt petulant child, even after the event, when she was told how extreme her reaction was she still cross questioned the poor child. It was a little fib over a squirt of perfume. I think the OP comes across as jealous of her daughter and sounds more to me like a wicked step-mother.

I'm sure the OP relishes another comment, to add to their collection.

Any more for any more? There must be someone on the planet left that hasn't stuck the boot in yet?

Kaz2904

QuackQuackOops wrote: »

Quite obvious what the problems are. You expect your DD to act like an adult and have an adults way of reasoning when she is physically unable to do that when she is 2 ....2 for goodness sake!!

When you have 2 year olds running around the place, you do not leave things laying around which you do not want broken. How can you possibly complain about your items being broken by your DD when it is YOU acting irresponsibly by leaving things in her way??

No-one in their right mind would leave a gun laying around and expect a child not to touch it just because they had been told "Don;t touch that". The trust would not be an issue and the gun would be somewhere where a child could not reach it.
It may not be the same but you are expecting the same principle from a child.

Your DH is right. You ought to drop it because you are causing your DD problems with your mixed messages.

Eh? I'm fully aware of who's fault it was that the belt buckle got broken. I wasn't aware that I had to justify my thoughts and actions to you. I was actually answering a previous question. At 2 years old, many things get broken. In fact, at 2 years old, DD was lucky to make it through each day without breaking herself. I had many a heart stopping moment with her bouncing head first down the stairs yet again. Or nearly chopping her thumb off trying to get 'her new baby' (DS) out of his cot. I could go on but don't want people to think I'm any worse than they already do.
You're quite right, I wouldn't dream of leaving a gun lying around. However, don't we all have homes full of dangerous things which we try to steer our little ones away from? Knives in kitchen drawers, kettles, hot pans, hot drinks, sharp edges? You name it, we're always watching out for danger.

Interestingly enough, DH mentioned it to MiL today and she was equally as horrified. Again, NOT ABOUT THE PERFUME (just in case anyone had missed that point). She said to us that we had to make sure it didn't happen because there might be times when DD looks as guilty as heck about something and we need to be able to trust her implicitly if she says she's not lying. She also said that she is of an age now where she needs to learn not to lie and not to go rummaging in others stuff.
MiL was one of 7. She said a few years back that her mother had a rule where no one was allowed to use/touch/wear/borrow anything belonging to one of the others. It was the only way of stopping arguments.

QuackQuackOops

Kaz2904 wrote: »

Eh? I'm fully aware of who's fault it was that the belt buckle got broken. I wasn't aware that I had to justify my thoughts and actions to you. I was actually answering a previous question. At 2 years old, many things get broken. In fact, at 2 years old, DD was lucky to make it through each day without breaking herself. I had many a heart stopping moment with her bouncing head first down the stairs yet again. Or nearly chopping her thumb off trying to get 'her new baby' (DS) out of his cot. I could go on but don't want people to think I'm any worse than they already do.
You're quite right, I wouldn't dream of leaving a gun lying around. However, don't we all have homes full of dangerous things which we try to steer our little ones away from? Knives in kitchen drawers, kettles, hot pans, hot drinks, sharp edges? You name it, we're always watching out for danger.

Interestingly enough, DH mentioned it to MiL today and she was equally as horrified. Again, NOT ABOUT THE PERFUME (just in case anyone had missed that point). She said to us that we had to make sure it didn't happen because there might be times when DD looks as guilty as heck about something and we need to be able to trust her implicitly if she says she's not lying. She also said that she is of an age now where she needs to learn not to lie and not to go rummaging in others stuff.
MiL was one of 7. She said a few years back that her mother had a rule where no one was allowed to use/touch/wear/borrow anything belonging to one of the others. It was the only way of stopping arguments.

As for the 2 year old. If you are aware of whos fault it was that the belt buckle got broken, then why did you bother with the talking to that you gave her at 2 years old? Thats why it was mentioned by me. You have, by your own admittance, given the stiff word to your daughter about this sort of thing since she was 2 years old!! When has this little girl been a little girl without having been responsible for all these breakages? You don't leave them laying around...you should put them away then there is no need for the constant reminders and lectures you give her. You can't "explain to her" at such a young age. She does not understand. A simple sentence is enough and will not make her afraid of you.

You can't trust her implicity and will not be able to until she is an adult.
She lies because she is afraid of telling the truth and you do not seem to be able to understand that. Badgering her and telling her that she will not get into trouble for telling the truth does not get through to her and she can't understand it.
The reason why she is like this is because of extreme reactions to situations that are normal. Look objectively to the fuss and talking to that this little girl has had over this one issue and it will have been similar for her her entire life.
Its been built up and built up over time, since she was little. She is now unsure of your reaction and can't trust you. So she lies instead. She figures that if she is going to get into trouble anyway, she may as well deny everything.
She will be a teen before long and no parent can trust what a teen says anyway so you need to find a way of dealing with this without piling more pressure onto your daughter,

You are the one who has come onto a forum asking advice. It does seem, however, that you are only looking for people who may agree with you. Anyone who suggests that you are over-reacting you are defensive with and deny responsibility.

You will not get this lying out of your daughter the way you are carrying on, it will only get worse. Accept that and then you can adopt a new strategy. Until then, nothing will change.