Which way around should it be?

Tish_P

I think you should accept that they don't do birthdays, and accept their Christmas cards and presents graciously. It'll teach your child that even though not everybody celebrates the same things or has the same beliefs, it's still possible to get along.

I'd suggest you pick a meaningful date in winter to celebrate, though, because winter is long and miserable without one, especially for a little kid - although the fact that you go on holiday somewhere nice around that time suggests that you're already doing just that!

mildred1978

wannabehermit wrote: »

Out of interest why don't you celebrate Christmas?

A close family member of mine died on Christmas Day when I was about 8. My family's Christmas became a sad affair from that point on. As soon as I was able to control it (as an adult) I stopped celebrating it.

My husband stopped when he became an atheist.

wannabehermit wrote: »

Also what are you going to do when your ds is older? All the other children at school will be looking forward to getting a visit from Father Christmas and will still be talking about it in January. How are you going to explain to him that you don't 'do' Christmas because of the religious aspect.

It's not just the religious aspect. We'll be telling my son that some people believe in Santa in the same way that some people believe in god or that fairies live at the bottom of the garden. I shant be lying to him out of social convention.

wannabehermit wrote: »

I see Christmas as a cultural thing rather than a religious celebration if that makes sense.

I see it as commercial exploitation that starts earlier and earlier each year, that has little actual meaning. I want to teach my son that every day counts, to be grateful for what we have every day, not just once or twice a year.

jellyhead

Lotus-eater wrote: »

A Jehovahs witness has probably got more of a sense of humour (and yes I know some)

I know a few and in general they are good natured about the celebrations that they don't take part in. There was one family who lived in the flat above mine though - they returned the christmas card I sent them, with a note and a patronising leaflet and I just thought how incredibly rude and ungracious! Most jehovahs witnesses I've known wouldn't have been so rude though.

I suppose it's like being veggie - some people just are, while others draw attention to themselves constantly, arguing with everyone and demanding 'look at me!' like a 4 year old in a new party dress.

At least Mildred hasn't told the grandparents not to send a christmas card, she just accepts the sentiment then recycles it.

mildred1978

chrissie57 wrote: »

OP strikes me as a 'Richard Dawkins' atheist - it has become their religion and to be frank they are as frightening to me as any other fundamentalist

I have been an atheist since a child purely because religion did not (and still does not) make a lot of sense to me but many of my friends get a lot of comfort in an uncertain world from their religion and who am I to criticise that - and after all, they might be right and me wrong.:D

Technically I'm agnostic rather than strict atheist, and I certainly can't abide Richard Dawkins!!!

I'm very happy for others to believe whatever they like, and plan to teach my son about all of the religions. if he chooses to believe something later on that's fine.

mildred1978

Tory70 wrote: »

I think it is quite clear from your other posts that the problem is deeper than the issue of a card. There is clearly some resentment towards your husband's grandparents and I think you have seized on this issue to make a focus point for that resentment. That said, you cannot force anyone to bow to your wishes. They like to give Christmas cards; you don't. You like to give birthday cards; they don't. To each, his own. Personally, I would accept the Christmas card with good grace and would not expect a birthday card and therefore would not lose any sleep over not getting one. Remember, your son is just that - YOUR son. Not everyone wants to make a fuss of him on his birthday.

Probably. They have lots of great grandchildren. It seems those from one of their children all get ignored while the others get lavished with attention. I can't bear inequitable treatment.

CH27

mildred1978 wrote: »

Probably. They have lots of great grandchildren. It seems those from one of their children all get ignored while the others get lavished with attention. I can't bear inequitable treatment.

But you want equality on your terms.
Everybody is different so you cannot exect everyone to conform to your odd ideas.

codemonkey

I'm an athiest myself, but I do celebrate Christmas - more as winter solstice than a religious celebration and I love it - I love the tree, I love the presents, I love buying and wrapping gifts for other people, I love the yummy meal, I love the crackers, I love the cheesy Christmas movies. I hate birthdays though. That's just me though.

OP if you and your OH don't want to celebrate Christmas, then that's up to you, but I think when it comes to the grandparents, you can't dictate what they do. They choose to celebrate it and you can't ask them not to. In families (particularly with ageing relatives) there has to be a little bit of compromise. You celebrate birthdays and they don't. They celebrate Christmas and you don't.

mildred1978

Tory70 wrote: »

It happens, get used to it.

ETA: That sounds brutal but it is true. There is always going to be favourites in some families and no matter how hard families try, it is impossible to treat everyone exactly the same.

To be honest, you have very strong (some might say idealistic) views on child rearing and Christmas that actually sadden me somewhat, so perhaps you need to afford your husbands grandparents the 'right' to treat your son differently to the other grandchildren. Think of it as an opportunity to teach him about inequality in life.

I had no great grandparents and only 1 set of grandparents growing up. My son has 4 grandparents and 3 great grandparents (was 4 but one died this year). I suppose I want him to enjoy what I didn't have, and it saddens me that one set appear utterly disinterested. My grandmother on the other hand would walk 100 miles across hot coals to spend time with my son.

aliasojo

mildred1978 wrote: »

Should the giver or the receiver's wishes take priority?

Neither.

In the same way you accept the differences in people's religious beliefs, so should you accept the difference in people's desire to give.

This is mostly definitely not a situation with a 'right' answer so you must accept there is more than one way to be.

Your son will meet many different people and many different situations on his path to adulthood, you will be helping him more if you embrace differences from an early age. Starting with his grandparents different ideas about when to give (or not).

Tish_P

I think you're also being a bit harsh on those who do celebrate a cultural Christmas with trees and presents. They're brightening their winter by buying fairy lights and mulled wine, you brighten yours by buying a foreign holiday. It's just a case of what you enjoy, and neither side can look down on the other for being exploited consumerist dupes!