Partner hit me...

DUTR

hazeyjewel wrote: »

Hi everyone.Thanks for all your replies.I have been mulling them all over, and had a good talk to him last night, and a cry:o:o
He told me a few things about his past that made me realise why he gets so pent up about stuff, and he has agreed to go to the docs this week to get counselling:o
I am very on my guard at the moment though, but since last week he has been fine, loving and attentive.
I know a leopard rarely changes it's spots, but i'm gonna give him another chance.If this doesn't work he has to go:(

Let's hope it works out well for you all and that a positive resolve and happy days thereafter is the future for you and your family :cool:

3v3

hazeyjewel wrote: »

Hi everyone.Thanks for all your replies.I have been mulling them all over, and had a good talk to him last night, and a cry:o:o
He told me a few things about his past that made me realise why he gets so pent up about stuff, and he has agreed to go to the docs this week to get counselling:o
I am very on my guard at the moment though, but since last week he has been fine, loving and attentive.
I know a leopard rarely changes it's spots, but i'm gonna give him another chance.If this doesn't work he has to go:(

It's great that he is prepared to work at his issues.

By the same token, now you've realised there are certain issues he is sensitive about (you say he hates you drinking and "showing off") have you given any thought on how you might compromise?

purple.sarah

3v3 wrote: »

It's great that he is prepared to work at his issues.

By the same token, now you've realised there are certain issues he is sensitive about (you say he hates you drinking and "showing off") have you given any thought on how you might compromise?

The OP's partner obviously has issues and doesn't like her talking to other people, if he is serious about getting help he will realise this is irrational. "Showing off" is defined as her talking to someone on a night out, it's just an excuse for him to hit her. If he's working on his issues he will stop blaming her for his behaviour. "Compromising" to that kind of controlling behaviour can cause it to escalate, it needs to be nipped in the bud. No one has the right to tell her who to talk to and hit her if she doesn't obey.

Bumpmakesfour

3v3 wrote: »

It's great that he is prepared to work at his issues.

By the same token, now you've realised there are certain issues he is sensitive about (you say he hates you drinking and "showing off") have you given any thought on how you might compromise?

Why on earth would she "compromise" on something that is HIS issue and irrationality??

System

purple.sarah wrote: »

The OP's partner obviously has issues and doesn't like her talking to other people, if he is serious about getting help he will realise this is irrational. "Showing off" is defined as her talking to someone on a night out, it's just an excuse for him to hit her. If he's working on his issues he will stop blaming her for his behaviour. "Compromising" to that kind of controlling behaviour can cause it to escalate, it needs to be nipped in the bud. No one has the right to tell her who to talk to and hit her if she doesn't obey.

That's HER definition of it though....maybe she CAN'T handle drink and DOES show off ( lots of men and women do when drinking without realising it) . Both parties sound as if they can't handle drink...so should avoid it.

3v3

purple.sarah wrote: »

The OP's partner obviously has issues and doesn't like her talking to other people, if he is serious about getting help he will realise this is irrational. "Showing off" is defined as her talking to someone on a night out, it's just an excuse for him to hit her. "Compromising" to that kind of controlling behaviour can cause it to escalate, it needs to be nipped in the bud. No one has the right to tell her who to talk to and hit her if she doesn't obey.

The compromise isn't about empowering controlling behaviour - it's what couples/families/colleagues do every day and is very "normal" behaviour. It's when people neglect to compromise that frustrations, misunderstanding and dysfunctional behaviours form.

The partner doesn't dislike her talking to other people per se. It is the combination of drinking and her socialising behaviour while under the influence of alcohol. Having read some of the OP's posts when she has had a drink, it is likely that her "talking to someone" isn't quite as straightforward as you make it sound. Not that it means he can use it as a reason to hit/slap her (and I never suggested it did ).

Dontknowanymore

3v3 wrote: »

Don't we all say what we want the other person to hear??? If we didn't want them to hear it, we wouldn't say it, surely?

You know exactly what I meant.

People say all kinds of things, not because they mean them, but because it is what the other person wants to hear. Is that clear enough for you....

**Patty**

purple.sarah wrote: »

The OP's partner obviously has issues and doesn't like her talking to other people, if he is serious about getting help he will realise this is irrational. "Showing off" is defined as her talking to someone on a night out, it's just an excuse for him to hit her. If he's working on his issues he will stop blaming her for his behaviour. "Compromising" to that kind of controlling behaviour can cause it to escalate, it needs to be nipped in the bud. No one has the right to tell her who to talk to and hit her if she doesn't obey.

I agree firmly with your last sentence.

However, *showing off* obviously means different things to different people. We have no idea of how the OP really acts when she's had one too many ......her definition of talking to a few people may be seen by her OH as beeing really loud, embarrassing & making inappropriate comments. The point is...we don't know.

But you are right.....No one has the right to tell her who she can & can't talk to & then to use violence to control that.

3v3

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

Why on earth would she "compromise" on something that is HIS issue and irrationality??

We don't know it is irrational! We do know how he *handles* it isn't right, but we don't know that it's irrational. It's all about perception - he calls is showing off, she calls it talking to someone and having a laugh - we have the OP's perception of her own behaviour, but we don't know his.

hazeyjewel wrote: »

....we have been out for a drink, and he hates me drinking and as he puts it "showing off" which basically means when I talk to anyone and have a laugh ...

Kay_Peel

I think that, while you are working together to improve things, that you have a 'Just in Case' plan.

What's he like before an attack? Can you recognise the signs, so that you are better able to avoid and protect yourself?
Is there a place that you can stay overnight 'just in case' and are you putting any money aside for that rainy day?

Personally, I would say to him, after a night out and as we were making for home: 'I can tell that you are boiling. You usually hit me when you're in this state, so I'm not coming home with you, I'm staying elsewhere.'

And mean it - go to a friends' or a refuge but don't go home.