Partner hit me...

purple.sarah

hazeyjewel wrote: »

Hi everyone.Thanks for all your replies.I have been mulling them all over, and had a good talk to him last night, and a cry:o:o
He told me a few things about his past that made me realise why he gets so pent up about stuff, and he has agreed to go to the docs this week to get counselling:o
I am very on my guard at the moment though, but since last week he has been fine, loving and attentive.
I know a leopard rarely changes it's spots, but i'm gonna give him another chance.If this doesn't work he has to go:(

It's good your partner has admitted he has a problem. Has he stopped blaming you then? Because he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour to change it, not make excuses like saying you set him off by "showing off".
Check out this link http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1298#5
Under the heading Will My Partner Change it has good information on how to ensure your own safety while your partner is getting help.

Consider getting counselling yourself (not because you have done anything wrong, before other posters jump in) but because you are dealing with a big issue. You could need someone to talk to safely and confidentially. You can also ring helplines like the Free 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 for advice and support. Your partner's doctor or counsellor will be focused on him and won't be able to help you or even tell you what's going on with his treatment, you need someone who can support you. I know you love your partner and feel sorry for him after he's told you things about his past but you need to protect yourself and consider what is best for you first. Take care, thinking of you.

purple.sarah

3v3 wrote: »

We don't know it is irrational! We do know how he *handles* it isn't right, but we don't know that it's irrational. It's all about perception - he calls is showing off, she calls it talking to someone and having a laugh - we have the OP's perception of her own behaviour, but we don't know his.

Because he uses it as an excuse to hit her, we know it is part of a pattern of abusive behaviour. Validating his excuses won't help him change. And if he doesn't change she could stay in all the time and he would find another reason to hit her.

Mojisola

**Patty** wrote: »

But you are right.....No one has the right to tell her who she can & can't talk to & then to use violence to control that.

I agree with this but, if she is determined to stay within the relationship while he goes for counselling, it could be a temporary compromise on her part until she sees if he can control himself.

Personally, I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship this long.

Dontknowanymore

3v3 wrote: »

Then your eyes deceive you - where does it say she was punched on 4 seperate occasions?

And that is another reason these threads get out of control - terminology is altered to serve the bias of the poster.

A punch or a slap, makes no difference, he physically attacked her, I'm amazed that people are advocating someone staying in a relationship like this!
I just hope to god they do not have children, OP please tell me you don't have children!

DUTR wrote: »

Who said it was a laughy jokey matter? The OP mentioned already about her partner admitting he has some issues, I suppose Joanna Yeates is BF is responsible for her death as he left her on her own for the weekend?
No I am not sick, you are too blinkered with your views, but you are entitled to your views and I am notgoing to get into a bun fight with you.

The jumpy smiley, nothing to be jumping for joy about.
We all have issues! I have serious issues, would you say that I was justified in giving my children a slap because I can't 'control' myself?
Note how he manages to control his hands until he gets home though eh...

I'm not blinkered, It's called living in the real world.

purple.sarah

sophieschoice wrote: »

The first time you suffer domestic violence you're a victim.
After that you're a volunteer.

An old, wise and very true saying.

I don't agree with blaming the victim either way. She didn't ask for this or volunteer for it.

Dontknowanymore

hazeyjewel wrote: »

Hi everyone.Thanks for all your replies.I have been mulling them all over, and had a good talk to him last night, and a cry:o:o
He told me a few things about his past that made me realise why he gets so pent up about stuff, and he has agreed to go to the docs this week to get counselling:o
I am very on my guard at the moment though, but since last week he has been fine, loving and attentive.
I know a leopard rarely changes it's spots, but i'm gonna give him another chance.If this doesn't work he has to go:(

OP I totally get your reasons for giving him another go.
I'm not going to preach because any decisions have to be yours, but my only piece of advice is to speak to a DV outreach team in your area, I found them a great help.
Take care x

3v3

purple.sarah wrote: »

Because he uses it as an excuse to hit her, we know it is part of a pattern of abusive behaviour. Validating his excuses won't help him change. And if he doesn't change she could stay in all the time and he would find another reason to hit her.

Who says she has to stay in? That isn't a compromise that is submission. Two different things.

If, as you say, he'll find other reasons to hit her, he will anyway! That's assuming that he doesn't change.

The point is, if he is trying to make their relationship work (and doing so by seeking help with his issues) and the OP definately *wants* it to work, then it takes compromise. It is doomed to failure if only one person is working at a relationship.

Dontknowanymore

purple.sarah wrote: »

I don't agree with blaming the victim either way. She didn't ask for this or volunteer for it.

That rediculous statement also implys that domestic abuse is just about being physically hurt.
The physical violence is usually just the tip of the iceberg, it goes far deeper than that and is more complex than people seem to realise.

claire16c

hazeyjewel wrote: »

Hi everyone.Thanks for all your replies.I have been mulling them all over, and had a good talk to him last night, and a cry:o:o
He told me a few things about his past that made me realise why he gets so pent up about stuff, and he has agreed to go to the docs this week to get counselling:o
I am very on my guard at the moment though, but since last week he has been fine, loving and attentive.
I know a leopard rarely changes it's spots, but i'm gonna give him another chance.If this doesn't work he has to go:(

Hes been fine, loving and attentive just like inbetween the other 4 times??

I always wonder what people in this situation are waiting for.
Waiting for him to do something even worse before you leave him? Then maybe think about leaving? I mean hes done it 4 times already, perhaps youll wait til its been 8 or 10? What number is bad enough for you?

If hes serious about getting it sorted out thats fine, but I dont see why you need to be living together until he has.

Bumpmakesfour

3v3 wrote: »

We don't know it is irrational! We do know how he *handles* it isn't right, but we don't know that it's irrational. It's all about perception - he calls is showing off, she calls it talking to someone and having a laugh - we have the OP's perception of her own behaviour, but we don't know his.

Unless the OP is dancing on tables and draping herself over random men he IS being irrational.