Partner hit me...

Marker_2

Tish_P wrote: »

I cannot believe all these revolting excuses for someone who hits a partner and deliberately breaks their stuff. Let alone the nostalgia fir the days you could slap your wife about a bit (strangely enough, this nostalgia seems mostly to be felt by those who would have been doing, not getting, the slapping).

EXCUSE me, along with the others who made a sarky little comment about my post. I was giving an example of how a relationship worked through domestic violence years ago and ended pretty damn good.

If people like YOU have such a limited thought process to even think for one second that a slap leads to a punch which leads to a kick which leads to murder ... then you really do need to get out more and meet the real world.

In the scheme of DV the OP has come off very lightly, 4 slaps in a year!!!! Compared to women severely covered in bruises.

People like you also fail to consider how exactly this came about, the full circumstances of it all. Whether it is out of character, underlying problems etc. People like YOU are armchair warriors ... even worse is planting your own situation onto every other persons. Not everyone is like you, and not every man (woman) is like your violent ex.


Lastly, I have spent too much time looking through OPs other threads and posts in general, and have come to the conclusion that all is what it seems. My posts in future are generalised rather than specific to the OP.

barbiedoll

3v3 wrote: »

:T Agree with you on this.

Hence my post on OP compromising because if she does love him as much as she says she does and she knows certain of her behaviours hurt him inside, she will be just as willing to seek a way forward. After all, if we know something we do brings hurt to those we care most about we alter those behaviours or compromise by not exposing them to that hurt. Otherwise, there is no longer any point in the relationship.

Likewise, agree with you on this!

But.......compromise is fine when it's mutual. For example, my OH is not particularly keen on me having my ex-boyfriends on facebook. I can totally understand his point but obviously, I wouldn't expect him to have his exes on there either. (Apart from his kids' mum but we are both friends with her!)
The problems arise when one partner is laying down the law and the other is doing all of the compromising. My ex-husband didn't like me seeing certain (single) friends, although I was "allowed" to see my married friends. To me, that was totally unreasonable, I didn't dictate whom of his friends he could see, so I ignored him. Whenever I went out with said friends, there was always a major sulk or temper tantrum, resulting in an unpleasant row, often with violence which, if not directed towards me, then to the furniture, my photos, my clothes etc etc. In the end, it was easier not to see them and he got his way.

Most healthy relationships thrive on differences between partners, I know that my DH has made just as many compromises as I have, we have both had to change and adjust our behaviour to please each other, that's what partners do. But it's not good for one person to do all of the changing, if so, it's not compromising, it's bullying.

3v3

Marker wrote: »

...
If people like YOU have such a limited thought process to even think for one second that a slap leads to a punch which leads to a kick which leads to murder ... then you really do need to get out more and meet the real world...

In the main, you could be right - it doesn't *always* escalate; however, in the minority of cases, it does indeed escalate with tragic consequences and it is those which reach the media and cause sensation (rightly so though).

Equally, you are speaking of a generation for whom it wasn't talked about (like now), was tolerated/endured and a time when legislation didn't take the matter as seriously as it does now. It is not *that* long ago that the Police wouldn't bat an eyelid

For the couple you spoke of before, that "love" was an example of their commitment and belief in "for better for worse". (Or, "you make your bed, you lie in it"?).

I'm glad you posted that scenario because it put a different perspective on things; however, tolerance of those issues/times has fast-forwarded tenfold!

It will always be an emotive subject.

Dontknowanymore

Marker wrote: »

EXCUSE me, along with the others who made a sarky little comment about my post. I was giving an example of how a relationship worked through domestic violence years ago and ended pretty damn good.

If people like YOU have such a limited thought process to even think for one second that a slap leads to a punch which leads to a kick which leads to murder ... then you really do need to get out more and meet the real world.

In the scheme of DV the OP has come off very lightly, 4 slaps in a year!!!! Compared to women severely covered in bruises.

People like you also fail to consider how exactly this came about, the full circumstances of it all. Whether it is out of character, underlying problems etc. People like YOU are armchair warriors ... even worse is planting your own situation onto every other persons. Not everyone is like you, and not every man (woman) is like your violent ex.


Lastly, I have spent too much time looking through OPs other threads and posts in general, and have come to the conclusion that all is what it seems. My posts in future are generalised rather than specific to the OP.

Seriously, what planet are you on!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come off lightly? The OP is clearly scared of what this man will do to her, she said in her OP 'about 4 times' I'd hazard a guess it's probably more.
If it was a one off, maybe you could use the 'out of charachter' line, but at least 4 times in the past year? I don't think so.

Not to mention the fact that victims of DV tend to try and minimise the abuse, especially when in the relationship.

That does not change that whatever the full circumstances of the incident, he should not have slapped her in the face then smashed her things up!

3v3

barbiedoll wrote: »

Likewise, agree with you on this!

But.......compromise is fine when it's mutual. ... But it's not good for one person to do all of the changing, if so, it's not compromising, it's bullying.

Quite so! But, if the partner is the only one seeking "help"/adjustment that makes him the only one Hence why I say that the OP *also* needs to make compromises - not submission - so they can progress and grow on an equal footing.

DUTR

Dontknowanymore wrote: »

Seriously, what planet are you on!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come off lightly? The OP is clearly scared of what this man will do to her, she said in her OP 'about 4 times' I'd hazard a guess it's probably more.
If it was a one off, maybe you could use the 'out of charachter' line, but at least 4 times in the past year? I don't think so.

Not to mention the fact that victims of DV tend to try and minimise the abuse, especially when in the relationship.

That does not change that whatever the full circumstances of the incident, he should not have slapped her in the face then smashed her things up!

Why don't you stop sensationlising the episode?
In case you have not noticed the OP has posted today, stating that she is not running for the hills , so loves him more than she is scared of him, sorry it is not what you wanted to read but the OP has made their mind up, only time will tell if they have chosen the right path.
Incidently there is another thread started on the same topic, it's ony a page or two at the moment, so you could canvass there? (I'm opting out of that thread due to being the most hated poster on MSE) :rotfl:

Dontknowanymore

DUTR wrote: »

Why don't you stop sensationlising the episode?
In case you have not noticed the OP has posted today, stating that she is not running for the hills , so loves him more than she is scared of him, sorry it is not what you wanted to read but the OP has made their mind up, only time will tell if they have chosen the right path.
Incidently there is another thread started on the same topic, it's ony a page or two at the moment, so you could canvass there? (I'm opting out of that thread due to being the most hated poster on MSE) :rotfl:

How am I sensationalising it, the OP clearly stated she was scared of what he would do to her.
I was responding to Markers comments.
Yes the OP has made her decision, and she will have to deal with that decision. I hope it works out for her, but that does not mean I'm going to change my stance, I have a gut feeling and I am entitled to voice my opinon just as you are

I'm bowing out now as it's not really fair on the OP.

Bumpmakesfour

I read back out of curiousity and saw that the OP posted that she has a daughter so there's more to consider in this than just the OP and partner...there's a child too.

Marker_2

Dontknowanymore wrote: »

Seriously, what planet are you on!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come off lightly? The OP is clearly scared of what this man will do to her, she said in her OP 'about 4 times' I'd hazard a guess it's probably more.
If it was a one off, maybe you could use the 'out of charachter' line, but at least 4 times in the past year? I don't think so.

Not to mention the fact that victims of DV tend to try and minimise the abuse, especially when in the relationship.

That does not change that whatever the full circumstances of the incident, he should not have slapped her in the face then smashed her things up!

Of course she come off lightly, at best shes got a red mark or slight bruise. A tad better off than broken bones dont you think.

In my comments I have taken into consideration that 7/10 victims of DV usually down play incidences, and put up with it longer than they should. However, which is the point I am trying to make on this thread, she has been smacked 4 times by her partner, in no way can we presume that is is going to fall into pure and utter chaos, because of a minority of couples that suffer domestic violence in its element.

My point regarding a couple who were in a DV relationship for sometime, but as mentioned by someone, 'back in em days' it was not a big thing, it appeared to be the norm, they managed 50 years of marriage together, and ended on the biggest high note of all. Pure love followed by loss.

DV, like any other subject doing the rounds on MSE is not all doom and gloom.

3v3

Dontknowanymore wrote: »

A punch or a slap, makes no difference, he physically attacked her, I'm amazed that people are advocating someone staying in a relationship like this!.

A slap (in law) will be treated more lightly than a punch - legislation makes a clear difference; so should we The physical and emotional affect of each will differ, but it is a complex issue.

In the main, "people" are not advocating the OP stays in this relationship; however, the OP stated she wasn't sure what to do as "99'9% of the time he is fine" and she loves him. The posts you appear to be taking exception to are the one's which paint a picture which is at variance of your own stance.

Can you not see that by responding to a post with "What planet are you on?" is indicative of someone who attacks another simply because they do not share the same viewpoint? Isn't that how domestic violence manifests itself? One person who believes their way/viewpoint is *the* only way/viewpoint? And to drive their point "home" resort to an attempt at belittling the opposition?

We're all on the very same "planet"; we simply have differing perspectives. What you seem to have missed (and so have many others who have taken offense) when differing viewpoints have been posted ... *no one* has stated that it is ok to assault another human! Everyone is in agreement with that. What has arisen are examples and experiences which have brooked consideration on the otherwise sweeping generalisations and "hang-the-!!!!!!" posse.