Just received this - please help

claire16c

Doorstep_horror wrote: »

Hi all, thank you for your kind words. Sorry if I don't reply to you all but this is where I stand at the mo-

I've rung woman's aid and I have a number to call for a support group tomorrow.
Benefits are sorted/sorting themselves out.
He's currently living with his parents so I have no worries about LO's going there, although he doesn't take them there often as he doesn't want to associate nan and gramps with him.

I am trying to sort out a solicitor for Monday as the threats have started, if I find I can't afford to live here and have to move, he will not pay me any more money. Until this house is sold. If I then pursue it through the csa, he will either give up work/get sacked and fight me for custody of LO's.

He is still not prepared to give me a figure of what he will give for LO's until he has all his figures for his outgoings.

I know he's in the wrong but I am so scared, I don't know which way to turn at the moment.

Tomorrows list include ring women's aid back, and keep trying for a solicitor.

Just play his bluff. yeah right hes going to try to get himself sacked - whilst trying to buy a house with his new woman!

If he keeps threatening you maybe tell him that all contact to yourself needs to go through your solicitor.

whowants2brich

I don't know where in the country you are, but my wife is a divorce (family) solicitor, and has come across all kinds of stories. If you want, I can show her this post, let her spend 3 hours reading this, get up to speed on what's going on.

From what I can see though, you've done everything right, you just need to concentrate on getting a roof over your head. If your soon-to-be-ex loses his job, you won't get much from the csa but he'll end up defaulting on his mortgage, he'll lose his home and be stuffed - and you'll get money from the state, somehow, to tide you over.

As for the rest of the advice, yeah, keep taking each day as it comes, tell him to take a running jump, and if you need to (I suggest that you think about this), plan an option to move out, if you need to, at least then you have somewhere for you and the LOs to hide out and remain fed, watered, and warm. At least then, you have a backup plan in case you need it.

Til then, as per the many other posters, you're doing great, keep fighting him, and eventually, at some point in the future, you'll look back on this and wonder why it took you so long to kick him out and take control of your life - knowing that once you did, it had turned out to be the best thing that could have happened...

rachelhen

The courts would not be likely to give custody to a parent who effectively jeopardised his children's future by deliberately giving up their job my ex was thoroughly dressed down in court for the same and called a 'man of straw'.

twiglet98

How DARE he threaten you. You have done nothing wrong. He is wriggling because he knows he has royally screwed up and will come out of this very much the loser. You won't. You are stronger than you believe just now. He is a coward, just like all other bullies - and bullying is exactly what he is doing, and has done in the past, in return for you putting up and shutting up.

Been there, done that. Just don't - don't look back in your 50s and despise yourself for letting him push you around. Bullying doesn't have to be physical.

What goes around, comes around. He will come to a point where he looks inside himself and won't like what he sees. That will not be your fault.

Look after yourself and your children. A great book is 'Crazy Time' by Abigail Trafford. It talks a lot of sense.

You will get past this and so will he. Focus on what matters and don't waste time and energy on what really doesn't matter all that much. And keep in touch. We're all with you.

xxxxx

peachyprice

Doorstep_horror wrote: »

I am trying to sort out a solicitor for Monday as the threats have started, if I find I can't afford to live here and have to move, he will not pay me any more money. Until this house is sold. If I then pursue it through the csa, he will either give up work/get sacked and fight me for custody of LO's.

He's not really thinking through what he is threatening you with is he.

If he leaves his job just to stop paying you CSA he will lose the house you are in and he will not be able to buy another house with his mistress, who will then leave him because is is not complying with her need to control him.

If he loses the house he will be homeless, no way no how will be get custody of your children if he doesn't even have a home.

These threats reek of desparation to me, he's trying to frighten you because he thinks you know no better.

One thing to think about, I know it's your home, I know your children are setled there but do you really really want to be in a position where you are forever under threat from him losing the house out of spite? I wouldn't want to live like that TBH.

Caroline_a

peachyprice wrote: »

He's not really thinking through what he is threatening you with is he.

If he leaves his job just to stop paying you CSA he will lose the house you are in and he will not be able to buy another house with his mistress, who will then leave him because is is not complying with her need to control him.

If he loses the house he will be homeless, no way no how will be get custody of your children if he doesn't even have a home.

These threats reek of desparation to me, he's trying to frighten you because he thinks you know no better.

One thing to think about, I know it's your home, I know your children are setled there but do you really really want to be in a position where you are forever under threat from him losing the house out of spite? I wouldn't want to live like that TBH.

That's a good point. Of course, whoever's name the house/mortgage is in, half the equity (at least) will be yours. I got 60/40 awarded by the courts, and I do feel that a lot of this was due to my ex being pointlessly difficult and the judge being fed up with him! He won't be able to make up any lies about what it's worth or the equity as the house and it's sale price/mortgage will then have to be declared to the courts.

As peachy said too, if he gives up his job he loses everything - I'm sure Ms W won't let him do that! (unless she earns a fortune...)

laurz

if he gives up his job you won't need to wait on him letting you know when it's convenient for him to see the kids he'll can have them 3 times a week, lol

on a more serious note it's easy to do what he wants for an easier life but you need to stay strong and set down the rules. i wish i'd been smart enough not to tell my dd when her dad was going to have her because he rarely showed up - was 'lifted' and in the cells, showed up still legless from the night before, phone was broken (but rang in his pocket when i called it), couldn't get a lift into town (2 mile walk) etc etc etc - if he phoned when he was meant to have her i'd shout as i answered the phone "IT'S DADDY ON THE PHONE" and quickly say i'm sick of being the 'bad one' you can tell her yourself! i was only 19 though and thankfully now 99% of the time we are really good friends and he's matured alot.

It's a very difficult time but it will get better and you'll get through it and come out the other side wiser and stronger and the children will see a strong mother and role model who'll do anything for them and won't take any !!!!!!.

[Deleted User]

One of the things I used to say to my OH to get him to be a bit more rational was that it was up to him what choices he made, but he needed to think them through a bit more as they probably won't work out quite as he says.

And then shut up and walk away. If he keeps on, just shrug. Give what he says the importance it deserves. Its not your problem what he does.., its his.

You will be housed.., you will have money coming in whatever he does (not a great deal if you are benefit dependent but it will keep you going). You will have the children.., he won't be able to take them off you given his circumstances and actions.

Nothing irritates more when u stay calm and in control and hand back ownership for their actions back to them lol. Its quite a good feeling.

The only problem with the CSA (I phoned them myself) is if the CSA decide on a set amount, and you are benefit dependant, your benefits will be reduced because it will be assumed that you are receiving the CSA monies. If he stops paying or loses his job and asks for an adjustment, it will take a few weeks to get your money adjusted. Its wrong, but its what I was warned about by the CSA themselves.

Eager_Elephant

deannatrois wrote: »

The only problem with the CSA (I phoned them myself) is if the CSA decide on a set amount, and you are benefit dependant, your benefits will be reduced because it will be assumed that you are receiving the CSA monies. If he stops paying or loses his job and asks for an adjustment, it will take a few weeks to get your money adjusted. Its wrong, but its what I was warned about by the CSA themselves.

Child Maintenance is no longer taken into account for any means tested benefits such as Income Support, Jobseekers Allowance, Housing & Council Tax Benefit etc so no need to worry about this.

EE

blue_monkey_2

Hope you are OK OP. x