Just received this - please help

gratefulforhelp_2

Triker wrote: »

your ex is going to continue being the selfish, inconsiderate turd he already is.

Succinctly and appropriately put :T:T:T

blue_monkey_2

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Succinctly and appropriately put :T:T:T

And I'll second that.

I was tired last night and did not want to read and run but you MUST get this done via the CSA and courts (contact and residence) as I mentioned before. It'll save you a lot of pain later on - more so now that he is already trying to tell you when you can have money and when he can see the children. It stops today.

Have you been to the job centre to sort out IS? Take the kids with you, you are a single parent now so you are going to have times when you cannot leave them.

He is already showing his true colours and it has only been a week so do not let him continue to treat you this way - if you let him do it over and over it will only get worse. Take the children with you. You cannot hide them from everything as pretty soon they will have someone from the courts coming to see and speak to them (for younger children they use dolls and play).

Contact will be set up around his job, if he is around for a weekend tell him he has the kids then and make the date - if he cannot fit them into his 'busy' schedule then tough. Do not tell the kids until he is on the doorstep and then they cannot get disappointed and upset. If they miss him then that will be down to HIM and not you.

And yes, keep a diary. Also note down all of the times you know he is around, when he is not travelling with work, and whether or not he has the kids. He has got used to treating you like a doormat, it is time you made him see what you are made of. You CAN do this and get out of this rut he has put you in.

Just do not do what a friend of mine did, sit and wait for him to come back as she knew he would one day - he did, after she split him and his wife up - but he stayed for about 2 months before he was in someone else's knickers and she got a kick in the face again. Once a cheater, always a cheater IMO. You deserve more than that.

Seanymph

Stop right now doing things 'to make it easier for the kids'.

Is HE making it easier for the kids? Is he bending AT ALL for his children? Is he making any effort to co-parent?

Right, so you and your kids get along without him. You and they are family. He now has no rights, he forfeighted them as soon as he started putting his parts where they had no business being. You think he was thinking of his kids and his family then? You think he is now?

No, he is thinking of what makes it easier for himself. That's all. The kids don't even figure.

I am like a broken record for phone womensaid. You are wasting no ones time. I have done it. I didn't know that I needed to until I phoned them either - but someone I trusted and loved suggested it to me and it's the best thing I ever did. Get the kids occupied, take a leap of faith, and pick up the phone for no other reason than six or so of us have said you would benefit from it. If you don't what have you lost? 15 minutes? Do it, then say it's not for you - but right now you need to be taking all the support you can get your hands on.

I'll tell you why (but I'd rather you just got on with it ). You are in the habit of giving him control. He has set up the dynamic that he TELLS you what is going to happen and you accept it. This thread runs with that as a theme. You are not strong enough to break that habit on your own - so you need support to do that and that is where you will get the support.

If you don't do that - if you keep 'bending over backwards' and 'allowing him to take the p' and NOT getting a good solicitor and not understanding your rights then your kids will lose out. THEY will pay the price of you being too proud to get help right now when you need it.

You can't afford to let him call the shots. You need to be phoning the bank, getting the equity in your house protected (although a part of me is worried that it's too late for that), you need to get the CSA involved, get yourself advice on changing locks etc.

But you cannot hang onto him and keep doing as he tells you whilst citing it's 'best for the children'. Letting him continue to call the shots and dictate to you what you and the kids do is NOT best for the children.

As the ladies above, all of whom appear to share my life experience say, you need to say 'right, you can have them Saturday 9 - 6, you will pick them up and bring them back, text me Friday to tell me what to send/dress them in and apart from that I don't want to hear from you'.

Personally he wouldn't get ANY access from me until he got a solicitor and arranged a schedule.......... but then I've been through this and am MUCH wiser now - to give you a vision of the future though I swore off men before finding my OH (well he found me) and he would no more treat me as my ex did than fly without a plane... there are decent men out there, but your soon-to-be-ex isn't one of them. And as such, and as he's shown you that he cannot be trusted, that he isn't reliable, and that he lies......... yet you are working on the assumption that your kids desperately need to continue their emotional reliance on him. They don't - they need to feel so secure with you, that you focus on them, that their home with you is safe and they always belong there - and they need weaning off of dependency on him - not to be thrust at him so they spend years and years being let down time and time again.

Don't push him to see them, don't make excuses for him when he lets them down, don't focus on his visits. I reached a stage when I didn't even mention he'd said he was coming because I wanted to save them the disappointment. Fortunately by then his visits were no longer important to me - prior to that I'd started banging on about 'Daddy coming Saturday' on the Sundy before because I was so excited! NOT a good way to parent.

So, tell him fine, he can see them Saturday if he's around, and miss out if he's not. Don't push it - because then you have to deal with the visits including miss whiplash...... and your kids coming back and telling you all about her.

You are at the start of this DH - and it's a hard hard road. You NEED to stop listening to him, you need to start making your own decisions right now, and do that with only what is best for you and your children as a unit. Discount him. Don't factor him in. Don't ask him anything.

And phone women's aid (you can thank me for that later ) truly, they changed my life.

Caroline_a

Brilliant post by Seanymph. What you have to realise DH is that your husband is no longer the man you married. He has lied, cheated and deceived you... and the children! You have to look on him as a stranger - would you trust what a stranger said? No, of course you wouldn't.

I made the same mistake... I trusted my ex, because I thought after 12 years of marriage I knew him. He was Mr Nice Guy. It didn't stop him snatching my daughter, and putting her and me through 12 months of hell while he tried to hang on to the house by getting residency.

You have to plan for the worst possible scenario. He might try to sell the house. He might try to move her in and you out!! :eek:He very probably won't pay unless he is pushed into it by the CSA - why should he, he can have more money off gallivanting with Ms Whiplash!

As an aside, where is he living now? Is it an appropriate environment for your children? Worth a thought...

MarilynMonroe_2

Seanymph is spot on. There is nothing worse than waiting at a window with your lo watching for daddy coming, only for daddy not to show up - and when daddy does (days later, maybe a week later!) he doesnt give a toss that he disappointed his child - honestly, don't put any faith in your ex then you and the kids wont be disappointed. You have to take control of the situation - youre the boss now and what you says goes. xxx

basketcase

What seanymph said! :T

Also watch you don't get into the state I did and feel guilty about claiming the 15 weeks arrears of the paltry sum of maintenance my (then) husband had told me was all he could afford. I wrote a note to myself "He owes (son) - NOT YOU - SON £x"

To my surprise, the magistrate said it was a "risible" sum. And, when the man tried to get round it by talking about a bank loan (for a luxury) he was told, in no uncertain terms:
a) maintenance was a parental responsibility NOT something to pay if you felt like it after everything else you fancied buying. You budgetted for it FIRST.
b) that I was being ripped off (but in legal-speak!) and a more suitable amount was 5 times more than he was paying and
c) that, as he obviously couldn't be trusted to pay, the amount plus arrears would be deducted from his earnings.

Get a really good solicitor. Not to "take him for everything he's got" because you wouldn't be, but to make sure you're getting everything to which you're entitled. Because, you sound a bit like I was. In which case, believe me, you don't know what you're entitled to! (And why would you? Most people don't study the subject when they get married!)

And a good point about suitablility of environment for the children, Caroline

[Deleted User]

I have been reading this and thinking of you. As others have said.., you have managed to keep your head.., better than he has.., be proud of that. We are all cheering you on.

Seanymph

oh absolutely! Every word was meant in an arm around the shoulders way.

claire16c

Doorstep_horror wrote: »

Evening all, just checking in to have a bit of a rant, need to get things off my chest.

Had a really bad day yesterday I felt like I needed to constantly cry, my eyes would well up but nothing would come out.

Yet today is totally different, do you ever feel like you have the words door mat tattooed on your forehead? Because I'm sure I have. I feel like I'm bending over backwards to accommodate him, explaining myself to him. Yet I'm getting nothing back in return he's just taking the p out of me still. But I feel I have to keep being this way for my little ones and not rock the boat.

I'm really hoping when he finally gets his place sorted things will change.

He won't even give me a deffinate figure on how much he's going to contribute to the up keep of his children, or give me any deffinate days on when he'll see them, we'll play it be ear is all he keeps saying, but I'm expected to drop everything when he decides he wants to see them. Again I'm backing down because it's important for them to see him. I still feel like he's calling all the shots.

Feel a bit better now but I could rant for pages!!

Perhaps you need to rethink having a private arrangement through the CSA and let them work out how much he should be giving you so it comes out of his pay cheque and you dont have to ask for it.

As you can see hes clearly not about to stick to anything he previously said to you.

kataklysm

I've read this whole thread from start to finish, and I'm as gobsmacked as everyone else. He really is some piece of work is he not?

But there was one part I wanted to comment on because it really rings true with me. You say that "you" don't want to rock the boat, "you" don't want to make things difficult for the kids.

It's not your fault. It's not you doing these things. There is going to be some unpleasantness, it's inevitable, but that is squarely his fault, his choice. He brought you all to this place, and you're just picking up the pieces. Don't let him colour your world any more.

I would add that I learned this valuable lesson after calling a support line.. for a different kind of abuse. I also thought I was wasting their time, but I was blaming myself for everything, and it takes someone else to grab you by the shoulders and re-adjust your mindset. I hate that he's made you feel a similar sort of way. So another vote for calling Women's Aid! They are there to give people like you the strength and positivity to move forwards with life. Good luck DH, you're never alone.