Just received this - please help

Doorstep_horror

Hi all, thank you for your kind words. Sorry if I don't reply to you all but this is where I stand at the mo-

I've rung woman's aid and I have a number to call for a support group tomorrow.
Benefits are sorted/sorting themselves out.
He's currently living with his parents so I have no worries about LO's going there, although he doesn't take them there often as he doesn't want to associate nan and gramps with him.

I am trying to sort out a solicitor for Monday as the threats have started, if I find I can't afford to live here and have to move, he will not pay me any more money. Until this house is sold. If I then pursue it through the csa, he will either give up work/get sacked and fight me for custody of LO's.

He is still not prepared to give me a figure of what he will give for LO's until he has all his figures for his outgoings.

I know he's in the wrong but I am so scared, I don't know which way to turn at the moment.

Tomorrows list include ring women's aid back, and keep trying for a solicitor.

zzzLazyDaisy

Sorry am on my way out but can't just read and run.........


1 womens aid may be able to point you in the direction of a good solicitor
2 there is no way the courts are going to take your little one away from you
3 his outgoings are irrelevant, he has to pay 15% of his earnings for your child, if he doesn't pay it will be taken from his wages at source
4 yes he may give up his job or whatever, then OW will be left paying the mortgage n her own and supporting him financially - see how far that gets him.
5 if you can't keep the house on, so be it - you can get rented accommodation and help with the rent. Womens aid will help you, and there is a mine of information on here
6 DO NOT LET HIM CONTROL YOUR LIFE

Sorry to shout, but time and time again I see women who have been badly treated by their husbands and even after the split the ex is still calling the shots and threatening the woman to keep her in her place. He is no longer your husband in anything but name. It is your life and your decisions, he has given up any right to dictate to you what you can and cannot do. Yes he might be angry that he has painted himself into a corner and doesn't like what he is faced with. Tough. It is not your problem. Get some advice, get a solicitor, get your friends and family around you, and get on with your life.

Easy to say I know, but please trust me, you WILL get through this, and you WILL look back and shake your head at how easy it was for him to bully and manipulate you.

Sending you big hugs xxx

fletch3163

Hi there

I can't offer any guidance but I have been reading about you and wishing you well. I think of your position often. How can someone want a lifestyle so badly that they would jeopardise their entire domestic world to support it? I can't get my head round that.

Your wee boys will be just fine. Don't for a second let him use your babies as a weapon for him to get what he wants. How manipulative can a person get, using children as leverage to get his own way. It's subtle enough obviously but he's an educated person, he knows what he's "saying" to you.

Some of the other posters know more about these things than me but please know my thoughts and good wishes are very much with you (and the bl@@dy polar opposite for your husband) :mad:

NickyBat

Completely agree with lazydaisy, he is threatening you because he is scared but is hoping to frighten you more. Stay strong you will come out the other side.

Doorstep_horror

Thank you all, I really don't know where I'd be without you all.

Feeling really emotional at the moment, but I'm sure I'll be better in the morning.

Off to bed now night all.

Caroline_a

Hi DH, you're doing great. Us females often don't know how strong we are until we're backed against a wall... which is where you are. The money will sort itself out once you have allowed the CSA to take it's course. Worse possible scenario, the house gets repossessed... you will then be rehoused with your children. As for him, he will have no job, no credit rating, and to be honest, why would Miss Whiplash want him then?? So he has nothing. Call his bluff - I did with my ex and he came off far worse than me!


Women's Aid may be able to help with the solicitor. Let him make the threats, hands over your ears and go 'lalalalala I'm not listening'. Apart from the fact that it will make you laugh, it will drive him bonkers! :rotfl:

You will come through this. And in a few months you will be giving advice to people who are going through this now, and you will join the ranks of us women who have survived.

hugs...xx

MarilynMonroe_2

He's playing really nasty - try not to worry too much, much of it is bluff! You know I don't think I'd speak or see him again and totally leave it in the hands of officials now.
Even if he didnt pay a penny you'd be ok, just you and the kids, you would all survive. I'm actualy better off than I was!
Take care xxx

Seanymph

I'm SO pleased you called them - ask them about solicitors, local contacts, anything to help.

And ignore him - great bully that he is - he's frightened and that makes dorky men aggressive. But he'll get his in time.

Something that helped me a lot (and may or may not help you but I'll tell you anyway) is that I kept hanging onto the fact that 'this is a transitional time, times of change are difficult, it will pass'.

I recited it to myself (sometimes a LOT!) - you are going through a great upheaval, but things WILL settle, what you are feeling WILL pass, and you WILL come out the other side. As Caroline said, you'll be here joining our sister-circle in a year or so and offering the same level of support and advice to other women - it's a difficult, horrid, sick making journey, but it will pass. In time you will look at this man and wonder why he ever made you feel so awful. It will pass.

It's the bit between here and now that you have to travel, and you pick companions that can make the journey easier. This board is a life saver, womensaid are superb, and your family and friends (once you get them back into your life - bet he made you fairly dependent on him!) will be a godsend.

I hope you slept really well and are ready to face what the new day brings. Just know with all my heart this passes, and he doesn't have the control over your life you fear he does. In fact, he has no control over you or your beautiful children - and that realisation is the one that will free you when you are ready to take it on.

Emmzi

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

3 his outgoings are irrelevant, he has to pay 15% of his earnings for your child, if he doesn't pay it will be taken from his wages at source

20% if 2 children is it? 15% for one? (Am not expert)

DSH, just tell him that is what the CSA will decree, give him the phone number for CAB so he can check for himself (he probably already knows and you are about to get some flimflam so it is more about being sure he knows that YOU know your rights) and ask him if he wants to start paying now or if he wants you to send a recorded delivery letter confirming you need child support to establish the date he'll be in arrears from.

There is no "waiting to check outgoings" - the kids are cold and hungry NOW!!! so he can just stop fannying about with his damned abacus.

Do it by email if phone is too scary.

gratefulforhelp_2

15% of net for 1 child, 20% for 2. There is a calculator on their website.