Just received this - please help

Doorstep_horror

I don't have any friends (the original Billy no mates) and there's only my mum.

System

Doorstep_horror wrote: »

I kind of took him back under my own steam, he was very apologetic, and charming.

He just didn't behave they way he should of nothing violent, just threats to kick me out of house, threatening to take LO's away from me, just a lot of emotional blackmail. ( that's what I mean about nasty).

If he threatened to kick you out (for HIS adultery) and take your kids away...why on earth did you let him back! Doesn't sound "charming and apologetic" to me...

Lotus-eater

Doorstep_horror wrote: »

I really don't want to confront him I just want this over and him out of my life.

In that case you want to see a solicitor soon as poss and talk to him about all of this. See if you need to prove that you XOH has had an affair, or if you can easily divorce him anyway. Sounds like you have the grounds if what you are saying is true.
If you don't and you don't want to ask him, best thing to do is to leave it all alone for the moment.
but I would be tempted to ring the other guy again and engage in a longer conversation to get all the details, where he and she now live, how and what does he know.

Lotus-eater

Doorstep_horror wrote: »

I don't have any friends (the original Billy no mates) and there's only my mum.

That's what Mums are for, get her round, or turn up on her doorstep.

Doorstep_horror

Purbeck wrote: »

If he threatened to kick you out (for HIS adultery) and take your kids away...why on earth did you let him back! Doesn't sound "charming and apologetic" to me...

Because I love him, thought he had changed and was truly sorry. But now I know differently.

make_me_wise

Does this pattern sound familiar to you OP? Your relationship hits a crisis point or you have a major row. You decide you cant take any more. At the point when you show most strength and say you are walking away your husband gets nasty, threatens you with losing your home, taking your kids away etc. You fear he could do this so graually back down. He realises that you are slowly back under his control so he switches tack and becomes apologetic, charming and makes you all kinds of promises about how things will be okay and that he will treat you well.

Things tick by for a while though he can still be a complete Jekyll and Hyde character. You dont know from one day to the next how he will be, have begun walking on eggshells around him, anything to avoid confrontation and friction? Things are said or done that seem trivial as one offs but when looked at as a whole make you feel really down about your relationship and question how your huband feels about you. More to the point when the bad times are looked at as a whole they cannot be written off as someone having a bad day. Abuse, emotional or otherwise is done very, very subtly. To the point where the person suffering it cannot see it for what it is. When someone finally faces what has been going on and gets proper counselling they are shocked at how long it has been endured for.

I hope for your sake that this is not your position.

jungle_jane

Doorstep, i think you should view this informant guy a bit like an estate agent - right now he is not your friend. he is providing you with information but at the end of the day if he is genuine, he is primarily interested in looking after number 1 - himself. His secondary interest may be in getting revenge on his wife. You and your interests are merely tools for him to get what he wants.

So although i wouldn't disregard the stuff he is feeding you, for now i would treat him like Libya - cordially in your communication but privately acknowledging that there is a complex, thin line between friend and foe...

Doorstep_horror

Make me wise - I am sat here crying, your second paragraph really sounds familiar, but i really don't think he knows he's doing it(not making excuses), I could write so much down and all the dots would connect, I deep down inside knew I was at the bottom of his list but didn't want to except it.

Saint_Chris

OMg i feel sorry for you

just a few things, i know that you say you have no friends, but i think the replies on here say different.
As for your mum, i would (and wish i had years ago) not said anything to her, as my 1st husband did the same to me, i went crying to my mum and slated him, only to in a moment of weakness take him back (yes some of us have also done it) only for him to do it a 2nd time, and my mum (who is a lovely lady) spent a while telling me how i should have listened to her....................just my view.

It seems like you have decided now that you want to end it, i would be doing like others have said, photo copying stuff, bank details, wage slips etc.

I would contact the man, and thank him for the information he has sent you, and would ask him, not to tell his wife that he had told you, as you want your partner to be unaware of what you know for when you approach him, you would like him to do this for you, as it has been a shock to you and you need time to sort your head out, and think that he owes you this (if he's hald decent he'll do this)

I wouldn't question the man, i would just ask him to e-mail you all the proof he had in one go, rather than dribs and drabs, thank him and tell him you will be in touch with him.

Remember a clam head works better than a raging one..............and even better than one that's had a bottle of wine (speaking from experience many years ago)

Remember you have done nothing wrong, and now it's time to protect you and your children.

.............................................................................

At the moment i would say though -who the hell took that photo of them in bed, or does it look like it was taken my one of them, you can usually tell by the angles.

Is your husband on facebook? you'd be surprised how many are.

I wish you well, and remember you have lots of friends on here......................take care. xxx

adamantine

i have to admit (and i'm not ashamed of this) that i emailed one of the women me ex had an affair with. the one he was "dating" when i left him. i felt she ought to know the truth as she had no idea that we were still together and i had just given birth and when he was on "holiday" with her he was actually using his paternity leave as i had literally given birth 2 days before and he had told me he had to go back to work and wanted to save his leave for when i returned to the marital home (we lived at the opposite side of the country and i went back to my parents to give birth as i was having a c-section and knew id need more help than he would be able (read:willing) to give us (me and my 2 children).

he begged and begged me not to tell her but i had actually emailed her before i told him i had done it. i got an email back from her telling me everything i needed to know like when they got together, what he had told her re when we had divorced etc. she was so apologetic and i had no problems with her at all coz she was also an innocent party in it all. silly girl took him back after a few weeks then got engaged to him! that went well for her coz he did the same thing to her and she dumped him again after a couple of months lol. i also had other people come forward once word got out i had left him, his friends, telling me about all the other girls he had been seeing before and during the marriage.

i wouldn't read too much into his reasons for telling you OP. he could be just like me and felt you had a right to know as you do. you cant make a decision about the future without the full information. his reasons for telling you are pointless unless it's completely made up and the pics aren't real. i believe they are coz the number of people i know who take those gazing-into-each-others-eyes-while-lying-in-bed pics and posted them on fb is insane!

i know it kills at the moment but it does get easier i promise. don't let the anger take over though. it's not good for you or the kids.

don't rush this. it hurts so much and it probably always will to some degree. is there anyway you can say to him that having this separation while you are both under the same roof isn't working and he needs to find somewhere else to live while you both make the decision about the future. he doesn't need to know at the moment that you have already decided. you have the right to stay in the house as its the children's home so do'nt let him try to tell you otherwise!