Dealing with pre-teen step daughter

minimoneysaver

mumps wrote: »

I told my kids the tooth fairy paid more if the tooth was in good condition, really motivated them with dental hygiene.

I do that too!

janninew

purple.sarah wrote: »

Try telling her mother that you are struggling and about what happened. As some other posters have said it would sound worse coming from her, so it's better to be upfront. Her mother might have more advice on how to deal with the daughter and she should be aware of the issues.

I have to agree with telling Mum and seeing what she says. I don't think she has to have a shower or access to your bedroom if that's the house rules. As long as she has access to the bath and privacy, I don't see any problem. I grew up in a house without a shower and I managed just fine. I also shared baths with my little sister until I was 12 years old.

I dont think its fair to say she should have access to her parents bedroom just because its a family home, we all need our own space and she is a child and shouldn't be dictating to her parents what she will and won't do. When my Mum re-married, we weren't allowed in to their bedroom, and they equally always knocked before coming in to mine.

I was telling a lady I work with about this thread and she said her 10 year old daughter still shares a bath every now and then with her Dad - they don't see anything wrong with this!

When I read the OP's first post I didn't aasume that he was bathing the kids and watching them get undressed, I just assumed that 2 sisters were having a bath together and sorting themselves out as we did as we were growing up.

Kathy535

I have a 15yr old daughter and my husband has been in our lives for 10yrs now. It did get a bit difficult when she was about 10yrs old, she became very private and very moody. Like other posters we've always criticised the how and not the what, attitude is heavily criticised. We've also tried to explain why we want / don't want certain things done; choose punishments that fit the crime and aso the child - I know that withdrawal of attention is much more effective (even now!) than my shouting or withdrawal of treats etc. We've also made sure that we talk about stuff as a family and discuss the issues - so tonight we had a chat about going her to a party (an under 18's party with no alcohol) followed by a sleepover with several other children at a male friends house. We talked about the things we'd be comfortable with and why we'd not be comfortable with other things and she made the decision that she'd prefer to come home after the party and we'll drop her off/collect her provided she gives me the contact details of friends' parents who have let their children go in the past and DH and I get veto if we aren't happy .

mumps

Kathy535 wrote: »

I have a 15yr old daughter and my husband has been in our lives for 10yrs now. It did get a bit difficult when she was about 10yrs old, she became very private and very moody. Like other posters we've always criticised the how and not the what, attitude is heavily criticised. We've also tried to explain why we want / don't want certain things done; choose punishments that fit the crime and aso the child - I know that withdrawal of attention is much more effective (even now!) than my shouting or withdrawal of treats etc. We've also made sure that we talk about stuff as a family and discuss the issues - so tonight we had a chat about going her to a party (an under 18's party with no alcohol) followed by a sleepover with several other children at a male friends house. We talked about the things we'd be comfortable with and why we'd not be comfortable with other things and she made the decision that she'd prefer to come home after the party and we'll drop her off/collect her provided she gives me the contact details of friends' parents who have let their children go in the past and DH and I get veto if we aren't happy .

Sounds like you have all worked hard to make it work so well. I think being a good parent is hard work but so much harder for step parents in my experience (I'm not one but I did have one.)

Kathy535

Thanks Mumps. Most of the credit goes to DH and DD who have both worked really hard to make it work.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

1. Put the handcuffs and strap ons away, then.

2. Your 'private space'? I think her private space - her body - should be slightly more private than part of her own home.

3. My DD won't have a bath - she thinks they are revolting and can't see the attraction in sitting in her own dirt and sweat waiting for the water to get cold. We have two bathrooms and she will only use one of them. She feels more relaxed in that one. I could shout until I am blue in the face and there is no way that she will use the other shower or have a bath.

4. In a couple of years time, you could be pathetically grateful that she actually washes at all.

5. As it's getting to the point of you getting physical with her, I suggest you back right off in relation to body functions - she now not only deals with herself, she cleans up afterwards as well.

6. If at all possible, with that number of children in the house (and in future, that many teenagers) I would suggest that you put a good sum of money into replacing the bath with a posh bath with proper shower or a proper shower. It will be worth it in the long run.