Dealing with pre-teen step daughter

Carl31

Im looking for advice, im usually a confident and collected kind of person but the past few months my eldest step daughter has really started to try my patience, to the point im getting totally fed up with her being here. I think absolutely everything i (or we, my partner included) we say or do is responded with a strop, back chat or argument and rudeness. Its really starting to push me and im worried what the end result will be if it doesnt get better

I scared myself just now, we have 4 kids between us, 3 here and my son that comes every other weekend +, my partner works weekends so im usually on my own with them most of it, its usually fine, but said step daughter just threw one of her usual strops stating she 'wasn't having a bath, she was having a shower', meaning using our en-suite which im not keen on. I said 'no, youre having a bath with your sister' and ushered her up the stairs, she tried to push back so i pushed a little harder and she fell, not far, just slipped over, but its scared me that i could have hurt her

Any advice, short of moving out, on how to deal with the situation? we've tried giving more responsibility, taking things away, putting her in her bedroom, offering pocket money etc etc.. absolutely anything and everything the books tell us. Life isnt much fun at home anymore as a result

balletshoes

You need to pick your battles. I know its hard when it seems all you tend to get in return is more backchat and little appreciation, but when you and your stepdaugher start disagreeing, you be the one to stop and think before you speak. Is what you're disagreeing about worth it?

For example, just on the face of it, whats the problem with her having a shower rather than a bath? My DD is 10, she wouldn't be happy having a bath with anyone else, even a sister, at her age, because she's starting to develop and wants a bit of privacy in the bathroom.

POPPYOSCAR

If I tried to force my daughter to have a bath with someone else at that age, I would have got the same result!!

Why do you not want her to use your en-suite to have a shower? Does seem a bit strange to me.


I agree with balletshoes, you have to pick your battles with children or you can just seem totally unreasonable.

I take it her mum is not around on the scene?

donquine

Carl31 wrote: »

we have 4 kids between us, 3 here and my son that comes every other weekend +, my partner works weekends so im usually on my own with them most of it, its usually fine, but said step daughter just threw one of her usual strops stating she 'wasn't having a bath, she was having a shower', meaning using our en-suite which im not keen on. I said 'no, youre having a bath with your sister' and ushered her up the stairs, she tried to push back so i pushed a little harder and she fell, not far, just slipped over, but its scared me that i could have hurt her

Is your shower a one person shower?

This could have been her way of saying 'I'm too old to share baths, I need some privacy.'

Carl31

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

If I tried to force my daughter to have a bath with someone else at that age, I would have got the same result!!

Why do you not want her to use your en-suite to have a shower? Does seem a bit strange to me.


I agree with balletshoes, you have to pick your battles with children or you can just seem totally unreasonable.

I take it her mum is not around on the scene?

Our bedroom is our private area, theres things in there not to be touched or looked at. Part of the issue is thats how i was raised, i wasnt allowed in my parents room, hence i think the same way, also, theres usually a mess left. Usually though, showers in our room are allowed, its just today im doing all 4 in one go, and it was easier to do 2 and 2 in the bath. Another part of the problem is theres a 'competition' attitude amongst the kids, if one gets 'preferential' treatment, its like they have got one over on the others, and likes to rub that in, hence everything has to be 'fair'

Mum was at work at the time, i dont think it would make any difference.

aliasojo

Carl31 wrote: »

Our bedroom is our private area, theres things in there not to be touched or looked at. Part of the issue is thats how i was raised, i wasnt allowed in my parents room, hence i think the same way, also, theres usually a mess left. Usually though, showers in our room are allowed, its just today im doing all 4 in one go, and it was easier to do 2 and 2 in the bath. Another part of the problem is theres a 'competition' attitude amongst the kids, if one gets 'preferential' treatment, its like they have got one over on the others, and likes to rub that in, hence everything has to be 'fair'

Mum was at work at the time, i dont think it would make any difference.

I think you need to re-assess your parenting skills tbh.

Your kids will go through the rebellious stage just like everyone else's. The thing is though, if they have genuine cause to rebel (such as you making them bath together) you will end up with kids that hate you and your life will be hell.

I left home at 16 mainly because I hated my Father, His rules were set mostly because 'that's how he was raised' but it didn't make them right or fair.

I suggest you sit down with your OH and talk about what you expect and if you are setting rules for the right reasons.

mrcow

Carl31 wrote: »

Our bedroom is our private area, theres things in there not to be touched or looked at.

Very odd. What exactly do you have that "must not be looked at"?

It's a family home. She's growing up and needs privacy/space too. If you can't understand that over a simple shower, then how do you ever hope to be able to deal with the "big" stuff?

As long as she cleans up the shower etc after using, whatever is the problem?

I agree with the poster who said you need to pick your battles. Otherwise, you're going to end up looking extremely foolish.

the_cat

Is there some reason why you need to be involved in the bathing of a pre teen child other than to say 'bathtime now please' and let her get on with it? It seems rather odd to me tbh............ and the idea that she should be forced to share at an age where she is bound to start to feel uncomfortable doing so is cruel and totally wrong imo

You sound very over controlling (based on this incident) I agree that you need to change your behaviour in order to illicit a change in hers

Carl31

aliasojo wrote: »

I think you need to re-assess your parenting skills tbh.

Your kids will go through the rebellious stage just like everyone else's. The thing is though, if they have genuine cause to rebel (such as you making them bath together) you will end up with kids that hate you and your life will be hell.

I left home at 16 mainly because I hated my Father, His rules were set mostly because 'that's how he was raised' but it didn't make them right or fair.

I suggest you sit down with your OH and talk about what you expect and if you are setting rules for the right reasons.

Oh yeah, i agree, im always looking to improve on my parenting skills. However, i do think that everyone needs to appreciate boundaries and privacy. I wasn't raised in a particularly strict way, and neither are my kids, but there still has to be rules. I relay anything i was rasied by if i feel it was effective

Reading the responses, i think its pretty obvious i need to start tuning myself to deal with older children though, so thanks for the replies. Any advice on dealing with teenage girls would be appreciated though!

pigpen

My 10 year old has been showering herself for about a year.. she started developing breasts and body hair and didnt want bath time to be a spectator sport.. it is perfectly normal.. maybe she feels weird having you wash her as she is growing up. How about you offer to was the other 3 and run her a bath so she can go n by herself without siblings or you.. a man.. looking at her naked body (and that does not imply you are or would be looking at her but how she will perceive it).. being very body conscious is very normal when they start growing up.. mine is twitchy about her sisters looking at her.. if OH thought about going in the room she would be hysterical.

If she makes a mess in your bathroom.. make her clear it away.. simples.

Let her grow up she will thank you a lot more for that in the future

neverdespairgirl

Carl31 wrote: »

step daughter just threw one of her usual strops stating she 'wasn't having a bath, she was having a shower', meaning using our en-suite which im not keen on.

Why can't she have a shower, in your bathroom or otherwise? Seems perfectly reasonable to me.