Dealing with pre-teen step daughter

aliasojo

Carl31 wrote: »

However, i do think that everyone needs to appreciate boundaries and privacy.

Including you.

Good on you for taking the advice on the chin.

Kids have enough of their own 'demons' to contend with at that age, hormones and puberty looming will affect ALL kids one way or another and you need to compromise with certain things in order for everyone to come out the other side unscathed.

Save your strength for the important things that really matter and let the smaller things like individual showering pass.

Just a thought but would it be possible to get a cheap electric over bath shower put in? It would get them all washed individually and probably quicker than each having a bath. That way they all get their privacy and you get to keep your en suite child free.

neverdespairgirl

Carl31 wrote: »

Oh yeah, i agree, im always looking to improve on my parenting skills. However, i do think that everyone needs to appreciate boundaries and privacy.

I think you need to too - and one of those is that a pre-teenage girl probably wants to wash on her own!

It's not her fault your only shower is in your sancta sanctorum, is it?

dirtysexymonkey

im wondering why you feel the need to be involved with a ten year old girl having a bath?! she wants privacy not to be supervised by you or forced to share with her sister. thats outrageous imo. give the girl her privacy, i cant think of any reason why any normal person wouldnt do that.

i understand that your bedroom is private as is your en suite but if shes been allowed access before then you coming in shouldnt change that. but she should be allowed to bathe alone.

Oldernotwiser

I don't think it's unreasonable for a parents' bedroom to be out of bounds to the children but neither do I think that a child of 10 needs to share a bath with younger siblings.

Wouldn't it be simpler to compromise and let her bath on her own (and install a shower attachment in the family bathroom as a matter of urgency).

DVardysShadow

Carl31 wrote: »

Reading the responses, i think its pretty obvious i need to start tuning myself to deal with older children though, so thanks for the replies. Any advice on dealing with teenage girls would be appreciated though!

I think you have picked up the main point out of this incident. If you start from the premise that they are reasonable human beings [even though that is probably only a vague approximation!] and see if there is something you are not getting, that will keep you out of trouble a lot of the time. It will also leave you with some unused credit for when things are really difficult.

donquine

You might find the girls stop wanting showers if you let them have baths on their own!

Regarding your own private space, perhaps a better rule might be if the door is closed, the kids have to knock first and be invited in, rather than come barging in?

That way, you have time to shove all your private things into drawers!

Carl31

mrcow wrote: »

Very odd. What exactly do you have that "must not be looked at"?

Er, their Xmas presents, items of a sexual nature, sesnitive items of a financial nature, over aged films that i can watch but they cant, things like that

Do you let your kids look at all that then?

carolan78

I think you need to remember they all have different needs, so while your trying to do what is fair by them all it actually very unfair to the oldest. She has different needs to her younger siblings because she is older.

The bathing in private is one example but she needs to accept more will be expected of her. So she may have a few more jobs than her siblings or some other responsibility they don't have. I would personally use this to my advantage and sit her down for a calm chat. I would be telling her I was wrong to expect her to bathe with her sister as she is getting older and from now on I will be more sympathetic to her needs but she also has buck up her attitude too to enable you to treat her more like an adult. Then put it in black and white the kind of behaviour you expect (I wouldn't lay too much on strops ect though because she has all those hormones shooting around her body and unfortunately they cause strops, I remember them well and have trouble stopping myself when PMT hit so a pre teen will have no chance).

neverdespairgirl

Carl31 wrote: »

Er, their Xmas presents, items of a sexual nature, sesnitive items of a financial nature, over aged films that i can watch but they cant, things like that

Do you let your kids look at all that then?

We were allowed in my parents' room, but opening cupboards or drawers was a hanging offence.

I do think at 10 she's probably very upset and embarrassed about being bathed, as opposed to sorting herself out. I would have been horrified at that age if either of my parents had put me in a bath, let alone someone who wasn't a parent.

mrcow

Carl31 wrote: »

Er, their Xmas presents, items of a sexual nature, sesnitive items of a financial nature, over aged films that i can watch but they cant, things like that

Do you let your kids look at all that then?

No, but I don't keep it all on display in my bedroom either.

Financial stuff is kept in the filing cabinet in the study. Christmas presents are in the bottom of a cupboard hidden away. Any "adult" stuff is in draws or cupboards. Places where no one would go unless they were out to snoop, in which case they'd find it anyway.