Dealing with pre-teen step daughter

ash28

Our grandson (lives with us) is 10 and most of the time he isn't bothered about us seeing him naked but odd times he is, and this has only been for the last few months. He can chose between bath and shower - bath I run for him - shower is all his own work and he just shouts down if the temperature is not right. I take my lead from him - as I did with our children.

If it's one of the occasions when he's bothered I stay out of his way - other than to check afterwards that he's rinsed the shampoo out of his hair properly.

He absolutely loves our room - we have an electronically controlled bed and an electric blanket - the bed is his idea of heaven - and the elecric blanket in the winter is the same. I imagine one of his abiding childhood memories will be grandma and grandad's bed!

He is allowed to go in there and either watch tv or watch a film if he asks - we never tell him no - but he does have to ask first.

And they do get to an age where they become curious about the contents of drawers and cupboards - he is just getting to that stage - our own children were exactly the same and so was I if I remember correctly. I liked nothing better than a rummage when my parent's were out.

We learned with our children that anything of a personal nature had to be kept out of nornal "searching" territory. And take the lead from your stepdaughter regarding baths etc. GS is ok sometimes and not others.

Person_one

When I was a teenager there was only a bath in the main bathroom and a shower in the en-suite. Every morning before school I used to walk through my parents room quietly so as not to wake them to have a shower. If you have a house set up so that an (imo) essential bit of kit that everybody should be able to use without having to ask is in your bedroom, you really have a bit of a nerve denying them access to it. Either put a decent shower somewhere else or put your sex toys and !!!!!! away so the children can walk through your room.

If one of them was desperate for the loo and the en-suite was the only one un-occupied would you like to be asked for permission then too? If you would then I think you need to have a long think about why you need to have this level of control over the other people in your house.

Yes they are children and you are an adult, but it is their home too and its so important for everybody to have their home be a place where they feel comfortable and relaxed and can be themselves. Having 'off limits' areas and asking for permission to use basic household facilities doesn't really create the right atmosphere. They will be young adults soon, you've got a lot of adjusting to do.

FBaby

My DD11 and DS8 are not allowed to use our en-suite (reason is, OH is borderline obssessed with cleanliness, shower rubbed after each use and kids wouldn't clean it up to his standard, even I'm borderline . They do have a shower in their bathroom.

I think the issue is around communication. You say that normally, she would be allowed to shower in your en-suite so she wouldn't have understood why she couldn't that day. Surely, if she does use the en-suite at times, all those things she shouldn't be seeing are normally cleared up. Why couldn't you say to her that she had the choice of using her shower or to wait later as you had to clean the en-suite shower. If you have an issue overall with her use of that shower, you need to discuss it with her mum and make the rule clear and the reason behind the rule. You can't give a teenager mix messages without an explanation and expect them to accept it with any sign of rebellion.

neverdespairgirl

Carl31 wrote: »

it was more in this instance i was TOLD she was having a shower, she didnt ask. The point im making is she was telling me how my private area was going to be utilised, which kind of got my back up

If you can, I'd try to separate what she's saying (which I think is reasonable) from how she's saying it (for which you should certainly challenge her manner).

FBaby

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

If you can, I'd try to separate what she's saying (which I think is reasonable) from how she's saying it (for which you should certainly challenge her manner).

That's a very key point dealing with teenagers (as I am finding!). My DD is reasonable and always has been. When she stands up to me, it rarely for something totally unacceptable, it just requires further discussion/compromise and I am prepared to consider what she is asking for. What I will not tolerate though is when she starts talking to me with attitude. There is an element of attitude that does come today's teenagers, but my threshold (and partner who is her step-dad) is low. I don't mind heated discussions, I won't stand for disrespect!

halibut2209

Aberdeenangarse wrote: »

You could always hide the vibrator and your husbands !!!!!! :rotfl:

I'm guessing "Carl31" is male

mumps

It won't sound good at school tomorrow if she decides to tell her teacher that she didn't want to get undressed and let her step father bath her and that when she objected he then pushed her over. I have a close friend who is a social worker and she would want to investigate that sort of disclosure.

I'm not saying it is anything dodgy just that it could be viewed that way.

dirtysexymonkey

mumps wrote: »

It won't sound good at school tomorrow if she decides to tell her teacher that she didn't want to get undressed and let her step father bath her and that when she objected he then pushed her over. I have a close friend who is a social worker and she would want to investigate that sort of disclosure.

I'm not saying it is anything dodgy just that it could be viewed that way.

and it is. in this thread for all to see.

i think the pushing her to the ground is being pushed aside because of the bath watching, but actually if she tells her mum (which she should) then the op hopefully will find himself out the door tonight.

claire16c

I find it weird that kids arent allowed into the bedroom - I mean dont most kids go running in to their parents at the weekends or xmas etc? Ok perhaps not as teenagers but when they are younger..

My parents had the shower in their en-suite too, but there wasnt ever a question as to whether me or my sister could use it. The shower was in there, so hence when we needed a shower we went in and used it. We did get told off if we left puddles on the floor or left the lights on but that was no different than if we had done that in the main bathroom.

Im pretty sure you must have some kind of wardrobe or cupboards in your bedroom and I very much doubt a 10 year old is going to be interested in rifling through her stepdads financial documents lol!

And if youve got a load of kids who need to have showers/baths in the evenings it would be a lot quicker to let them have a shower for 10 mins than keep running a bath! a 10 year old will want their privacy, no wonder she didnt want to go in the bath. And shower attachments over the bath are only good for washing your hair over the bath. Maybe you should get a proper shower attached in the main bathroom if you are that worried about them coming in your room.

mumps

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

and it is. in this thread for all to see.

i think the pushing her to the ground is being pushed aside because of the bath watching, but actually if she tells her mum (which she should) then the op hopefully will find himself out the door tonight.

It will be an interesting evening in that house. I wouldn't be happy to hear that story off one of mine, although they are a bit too old now so not a problem.