Dealing with pre-teen step daughter

Carl31

donquine wrote: »

You might find the girls stop wanting showers if you let them have baths on their own!

Regarding your own private space, perhaps a better rule might be if the door is closed, the kids have to knock first and be invited in, rather than come barging in?

That way, you have time to shove all your private things into drawers!

That rules in place, theyre not completely banned

it was more in this instance i was TOLD she was having a shower, she didnt ask. The point im making is she was telling me how my private area was going to be utilised, which kind of got my back up

Annisele

Carl31 wrote: »

it was more in this instance i was TOLD she was having a shower, she didnt ask. The point im making is she was telling me how my private area was going to be utilised, which kind of got my back up

Ah, but presumably you TOLD her that she was to share a bath with her sister. If both of you were adults, then announcing that you're going to enter somebody else's private space isn't anywhere close to announcing that somebody else must strip naked! I suspect her back was up before yours was

I was only a little older that your daughter when I first started my periods, and I remember insisting that my mum promise she wouldn't ever tell my dad. Quite how I thought the PMT was going to get explained I don't know...

I got on really well with my dad and always had, but I saw periods as something that was absolutely not for him to know anything about. I still remember being furious with my mum after she casually chucked sanitary towels into the family trolley (she used tampons, so they clearly weren't for her). Had my dad been my stepdad, I suspect I'd have been even more of an idiot over it.

Just throwing that into the mix; if you've come across that already then it makes the bath/shower incident even more understandable, but if you haven't you might want to talk to your partner about how you're going to handle it.

mrcow

I'd be saying to her that I don't mind her having showers, she's perfectly welcome to use the shower (as long as she cleans up after), but as it's in your bedroom, you rather she asked, as opposed to demanded. Then I'd apologise and say that you think she also owes you an apology too for throwing a strop and then agree to put the whole thing behind you.

Carl31

Annisele wrote: »

Ah, but presumably you TOLD her that she was to share a bath with her sister. If both of you were adults, then announcing that you're going to enter somebody else's private space isn't anywhere close to announcing that somebody else must strip naked! I suspect her back was up before yours was

I was only a little older that your daughter when I first started my periods, and I remember insisting that my mum promise she wouldn't ever tell my dad. Quite how I thought the PMT was going to get explained I don't know...

I got on really well with my dad and always had, but I saw periods as something that was absolutely not for him to know anything about. I still remember being furious with my mum after she casually chucked sanitary towels into the family trolley (she used tampons, so they clearly weren't for her). Had my dad been my stepdad, I suspect I'd have been even more of an idiot over it.

Just throwing that into the mix; if you've come across that already then it makes the bath/shower incident even more understandable, but if you haven't you might want to talk to your partner about how you're going to handle it.

Thanks, this bath incident is really a one off (besides they usually ask to share a bath anyway, hence me not thinking it an issue)

Time to start treating her more like a grown up then

pandora205

I think there are a couple of issues here for your step daughter. Firstly, she is too old to be sharing a bath with anyone: 10 yo girls start to develop body hair, breasts and have periods, and even if they don't they are aware that these things happen quite soon. Secondly, I wonder if you (step dad) are involved with bathing? Many 10 yo would want privacy and not want a father or step father to see them bathing.

Is there any other reason why she would prefer a shower? My son hates baths as he feels they aren't hygenic (sitting in dirty water, etc.). As the children all grow they will want separate bathing anyway, so now seems like a good time to fit a shower. You'll save lots of water in the long run.

I think the most important thing here is communication: there may well be very good reasons why this child does not want a bath, so ask. Tempting though it is to say 'this is the rule - do it' it makes sense to unpick reasons why she is refusing. You can also work together to problem solve the solution.

There are much bigger challenges to parenting coming as teenage years come along. It's easy to forget that children are growing up and their needs change over time.

lostinrates

Carl31 wrote: »

it was more in this instance i was TOLD she was having a shower, she didnt ask. The point im making is she was telling me how my private area was going to be utilised, which kind of got my back up

You told her what to do with her body which she will be coming to relaise is private, then you ''invaded'' that private body by pushing her.

You're rules will be more acceptable if equally applied, she has rights to some privacy too...and I'd say at her age a body becomes more private than a space.

I also think you should apologise to her, and say that you've thought about it and realised you might both need to change a little...give her some more rights but also some more duties. So, room still off limits without permission, shower still with permission only, (but this should be granted when possible) but she could bath by herself.

donquine

Carl31 wrote: »

That rules in place, theyre not completely banned

it was more in this instance i was TOLD she was having a shower, she didnt ask. The point im making is she was telling me how my private area was going to be utilised, which kind of got my back up

You might think she was unreasonable for 'telling' you what she was doing, however you were unreasonable in expecting her to get naked in front of her sister (and you?) at her age.

I think carolan78's advice about you apologising and using that moment as an opportunity to set down some revised ground rules was excellent. When you're a young girl, it sometimes feels like no one takes you seriously because of your age and that's really unfair - if you apologise, it shows you're treating her as a 'grown up' (well, sort of!) and this will make her feel more receptive to discussing some 'grown up' rules.

For what it's worth, I don't think you've been a 'bad' parent, I just don't think you understand what it's like to be a young girl, which is fair enough, seeing as you never have been one! As has been said, good on you for not getting your back up and for listening to some female perspectives.

Something to bear in mind is that if the eldest hasn't already started her periods, it may not be far off. Some start at 8, others at 18. You might get a clue from when their mother started, but it's still guesswork as to when this change will happen.

Sharing baths at their age is inappropriate IMHO, but it gets worse if one of them starts menstruating!

You may find that whoever starts their periods first prefers showering at their time of the month, so the previous suggestion of getting a 'shower over bath' attachment is a good move if you want to minimise the girls entering your private space.

balletshoes

Carl31 wrote: »

Er, their Xmas presents, items of a sexual nature, sesnitive items of a financial nature, over aged films that i can watch but they cant, things like that

Do you let your kids look at all that then?

My DD is allowed to play in my bedroom as long as she doesn't leave a mess, she isn't allowed to have her friends in there though and my bedroom door is closed (so out of bounds) when her friends are over.

I don't keep her Xmas presents in plain sight in my bedroom, nor my personal financial statements, nor anything of a sexual nature/18-rated films etc. Do you think your children are likely to go rooting through all your stuff on a regular basis if you let them walk through your bedroom into the ensuite?

FWIW, I think if you give out the strong impression that your bedroom has stuff in it thats not to be touched/looked at, you're just feeding their imagination and they're likely to want to look for that stuff all the more. My financial statements, for example, are in boxfiles in one of our downstairs rooms, my DD has one too for her school reports etc. She's never wanted to root through any of the others, she's seen me open one of mine and stick another (to her) boring piece of paper in there.

Films she's too young to watch, as long as they are not of a sexual nature, are kept with all the other DVDs, and she knows she is too young to watch them. I've told her when she is old enough, I'll watch them with her.

Carl31

pandora205 wrote: »

Is there any other reason why she would prefer a shower?

yeah, as it means she gets to use the en suite shower when the others cant, there's a shower attachment in the bath which she wont use

This can used later on as ammunition in the constant argument with her sister

crazyguy

Step children are allways harder to deal with and my prior dealings with one were very difficult as you seem to get a lot of resentment from them, I to tried so many ways of dealing with issues but never managed to resolve things its a power struggle and I also think that they do look at you as if to say well you are not my actual parent so therefore I can and will push the boundaries.

Sitting down with your OH is the best thing and explaining how you feel and you both need to be reading from the same page if not then you will get further problems from the child, I tried all sorts of ways to resolve the the things that went on and in the end we split up granted we had other issues to.

I think ultimately it is a case of stepping back and saying right I am the adult here this is only a child and if a strop breaks out use the ignore completely rule and she will soon hopefuly see that a tantrum wont get the desired affect and should slowly change her attitude towards you, also the privacey thing you should address completely and remeber the fact that we live in a different age as to when you or I were raised so give her a some respect with this and again hopefully you may see a change.

You should also try to find common ground with things that she may like and try and do things together as this will help the situation improve.

Most important thing is that you and your OH act in the same way with her and stick to one set of rules.